A New Teleclass: The Art of Setting Limits

In response to requests from clients and past tele-class participants, I am offering a new 4-week tele-class titled, “The Art of Setting Limits”.

I’ve worked with hundreds of women and many couples throughout the years who weren’t satisfied in their relationships at home or work and were yearning for a change.  You’re not alone in feeling frustrated and confused by communication that leaves you sore.  Hearing the cries for help, I decided to get a group of men and women together to work on setting limits in relationships.

This class is for men and women who want to know:

• Where to start when you are unhappy about an issue
• What to do when your words aren’t creating the change you want
• The ins and outs of limit-setting
• The difference between a limit and a threat
• How to set limits with various people in your life (boss, co-worker, lover, children, friend)
• How to steadily ramp up your limits when nothing is changing
• What to do when you have done all you can

Anyone wanting to transform their life would benefit from this class.  You will learn how to handle poor treatment, how to address BIG issues such as addictions and affairs and how to take steps to improve your relationships. Experience the transformation in your personal or professional relationships this year.  Take advantage of my Early Bird rate and sign-up before April 19th! 

Here’s what a recent participant is saying about my Finding Your Voice teleclass:

“Lisa,  

This class was recommended to me by our marriage therapist.

My husband has been verbally abusive for most of our 8 year marriage, it has increased as time has passed, and through marriage counseling I finally have a name for the way I have been treated during our marriage.

I have no problem speaking up in most situations, although I am usually the listener who thinks before they speak in a discussion with friends or at work.

I have great difficulty speaking up and speaking my truth in my marriage...this has happened slowly over the duration of the marriage and I am very unhappy.  My husband has become quite vicious verbally at times and I have avoided it at all cost.

I am working very hard at finding my voice, taking time to think about what I want and stating it cleanly to my husband.  I have set boundaries around standards of behavior and am sticking to them.

I am also working at breaking the silence that surrounds the abuse....as the silence only gives him more power over me.  I have started with friends and am thinking on what I want to say to my family.

This class has been a great support for me, and I look forward to the remaining classes.

Thank you, Lisa!

MJ”

I welcome anyone interested in experiencing fulfilling relationships to join this class.  I look forward to taking this journey with you and starting a ripple effect of change across the world, one relationship at a time. 

All calls will be recorded although your presence on the call will make for a richer experience.  Any man or woman who would like to learn the skills necessary to build relationships that fuel them are welcome to join the teleclass. 

For more information click on this link: The Art of Setting Limits

I hope to "see" you on the call.

Warm regards-Lisa

A Graduate Student Could Use Your Help

A graduate student asked if I was willing to help him with his study of couples by posting this on my blog. I agreed to do so in the service of helping us to gain more understanding on how to help couples. It would be great if anyone who is eligible to complete the survey below would help CJ out. Thanks so much in advance for doing your part to help!

Warmly,

Lisa

Dear Readers of Straight Talk 4 Women,

            My name is CJ and I am a graduate student working towards my Ph.D. in clinical psychology. I am currently working on my dissertation research, which focuses on a partner's role in a person's decision to seek help for alcohol use issues. I am passionate about understanding the pathways to seeking help for alcohol use problems given that alcohol can be a major risk factor for suicide, domestic violence, and other serious issues with family and employment. I have always been interested in work with couples in both clinical settings and in my research, and so it is my natural inclination to try to understand this issue from a family perspective.

        Broadly, I am interested in knowing if and how a person's partner plays a major role in his/her decision to seek help for alcohol problems. Is it often a person's spouse who convinces him/her to speak to someone about alcohol problems, or are other factors more important? Does a spouse's own drinking behavior or help-seeking behavior play a role in a drinker's decision about his/her own behavior? Considering the important role of the family in our overall mental and physical health, I expect that a person's partner plays a major role in many of his/her decisions, but I hope to understand this phenomena better, to find ways to bridge the gap between those who may need to make a change and the services available to them.

            To participate in my research project, please see the information below. The study is intended for married couples and is entirely anonymous. The study is completed entirely online, and should take each partner about 20 minutes. Please click on the link below to get started. 

 

Thanks and best wishes! CJ

 

 

Participate in a survey on couples and alcohol use and enter to win a raffle!

 

Are you and your spouse legally married (or in a civil union) and at least 18 years of age?

Do you or your partner currently consume alcoholic beverages at least once a month?

Is alcohol use an area of disagreement in your marriage?

 

If you answered yes to the above questions, you and your spouse are eligible to participate in a research survey regarding the relationship between your marriage and your alcohol-related help seeking behaviors. When you complete the survey, you will each be entered into a raffle for one of four $50 Amazon gift cards!

The survey will take each participant approximately 20 minutes, and survey responses will be anonymous.

 

Please start here:

https://surveys.clarku.edu/AlcoholUseSurveyStart.aspx

 

This study has been approved by the Clark Committee for the Rights of Human Participants in Research and Training Programs (IRB). The study is being conducted by C.J. Fleming, M.A. and James Cordova, Ph.D. in the Psychology Department at Clark University. Please feel free to contact the researcher ( alcoholusesurveyemail@gmail.com ) or the research supervisor ( jcordova@clarku.edu ) with any questions or concerns. 

Want Great Relationships? Nurture Them From the Start

As human beings, we all crave love and belonging. Deep down we want to feel loved, be treated well and we want someone to think we totally rock.  We want to feel as if we matter. Few things fulfill this need more than beginnings: new friendships, new romances and new births. In the beginning, we’re often excited, enthralled and filled with love and adoration for our newfound connections. In fact, these times feel so good, we often term them “the honeymoon period.” During the honeymoon period we can mostly see only the good in the other person. For this moment in time, the other person truly does “rock” in our eyes. 

During this time period…

Unfortunately though, as time goes on, the honeymoon period comes to an end and real life settles in. As time passes, stresses increase, relationships hit bumps, arguments begin to surface and, if we’re not careful, people begin to grow apart.  Cherishing can turn to complaint, love can turn to frustration and connection can turn into what feels like an eternal distance. That original sense of love and connection becomes lost in the abyss. The connection gets lost, not because we’re not meant to be together (although that may be the case for some), but because we forgot to nourish what we had.

Just as a car needs oil to run, relationships need cherishing to stay strong. 

Relationship Game Changers: Characteristics That Burn Out Relationships (Part II)

There are a handful of characteristics that can, will and do make relationships extremely difficult. Last week I wrote about six of them and this week here are the remaining six. If these issues are present within you or within your relationships, chances are there are struggles in your relationships that are beyond the norm. Tackle these issues with a determination (not aggression) to get them under control.

• Control. Constantly telling others how to do something, what to do and when to do it, is annoying at best. If you struggle with wanting things done a certain way (your way), then learn to let go of your grip; people don’t like to be controlled. If someone is controlling you, stop going along and take a stand using a grounded, powerful strength (GPS). Stay calm and matter of fact and tackle this issue.
• Lack of accountability. “Love is never having to say you’re sorry” is a crazy saying. When people refuse to be accountable for their mistakes it becomes a chore being in relationship with them. We are all human, which means we are imperfect and will make mistakes. Making mistakes is not the problem; not owning them is.
• Blame. Blaming often happens when a person is feeling shame and they want to get out of that feeling. It’s thinking, “If you didn’t do __________(fill in the blank), then I wouldn’t have had to do _______________(fill in the blank).” This type of thinking gets really old to be around. If someone is constantly blaming their behavior on someone else, they’re unlikely to ever change their behavior. Justifying your behavior because of someone else’s will burn out your relationships. Someone else’s poor behavior is not a green light for yours. Period. If someone uses this type of thinking, don’t buy into it and if you think this way, you’re fooling yourself. We all do what we do because we choose to do it.

Relationship Game Changers: Characteristics That Burn Out Relationships (Part I)

As most people will tell you, relationships can be hard work. They should not, however, constantly be hard work and nor should they be tremendously difficult. Healthy relationships will have their natural ups and downs, with moments that are difficult and a majority of time where they should be fairly easy flowing and rewarding. 

Ideally, our relationship with our significant other will be the least stressful variable in our life. This core relationship is meant to give us the greatest support, not the biggest headache. If this isn’t the case, it may be time to look at what’s going on that’s preventing it from being a source of strength in your life. 

Below is the first set of variables that turns relationships from a place of refuge into a source of stress. If you do any of these, work on stopping yourself. If you live with someone who does any of these, learn to set limits when needed, get professional help if the limits don’t work and know when to walk away when necessary. If you are the one doing these behaviors, get help in working through these issues or they will wreak havoc in all of your relationships.

* Verbal abuse. Verbal abuse includes yelling, name-calling, shaming, making fun of others, speaking with contempt and/or undermining them. Verbal abuse is toxic to be around and kills a person’s spirit and the relationship over time. No one likes to be with someone who constantly puts him or her down, belittles him or her or makes fun of him or her. It is often only a matter of time before the one being verbally abused wakes up and starts heading for the door. Work to stop the abuse rather than minimizing or justifying it.

The Ins and Outs of Being Conversational

In my work with couples, I often get complaints from women that their husbands don’t talk. The women feel that it’s like pulling teeth to have a conversation and the men feel that the women talk too much. Often the truth is they’re both right. When women don’t feel heard, they tend to go on and on, in an effort to finally be heard and many men give one word answers rather than engaging in a conversation.

Communication habits often start at a young age and frequently intensify and solidify, as we get older. Below are several easy communication tips for people of all ages and genders. These tips can easily be passed on and taught to children, as well, to give them a better jumpstart on communication than many of us adults ever had. For those who have received complaints from loved ones about how you communicate, this post is for you J.

The ABC’s of good communication

1.     Avoid answering questions with one-word answers. Giving a one-word answer to inquiries is what leads to the pulling teeth phenomenon. If someone asks you how your day was or how you’re feeling or what’s wrong, etc., do not simply say, “Fine,” “Okay,” or “Nothing.” Minimally, provide your answer with an explanation. For example, “My day was okay. We had another marathon meeting in the morning, which was annoying, but after that I was able to get a lot of work done.”

Women and Divorce: The Silent Exodus

Mary and Stan came into my office after 17 years of marriage. Mary was quiet and sullen as she said she didn’t want to be married anymore. Stan was shell-shocked. He was certain Mary was going through a mid-life crisis. Mary was clear she had been feeling this way for years, but hadn’t wanted to hurt him.

Mary is one of many women who have come into my office over the years, clear that they no longer wanted to be married.  In almost every case the men were shocked. In some cases, the women had been telling the men for years they were unhappy, but the men were not listening. In other cases, the women said very little and thought the men should just know. In all cases, the women left the marriage long before they actually walked out.

Below is an excerpt from one of my blog readers, Chris, who sent me an e-mail asking about this very dynamic. Here is what Chris had to say:

“About six months after my father died, my wife came to me and said she didn't like me this way and wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. It wasn't long afterwards that she left.  I had returned from a week long business trip and she didn't even come to pick me up at the airport.  She had moved out.  The reason I tell you this whole story, is that I'm not the only man who has had this happen (especially recently).  In fact, it is happening to men right now like a plague.  I have a couple of friends and acquaintances that have had this happen to them recently as well.  The question I have is -- why are women leaving men for "independence, freedom, romance and passion" when these men are supportive, healthy, kind and loving people? 

In my experience, Chris is correct that women are leaving.  The divorce rate, as many of you know, is 50% for first time marriages.  What many people don’t know, however, is that 75% of those divorces are initiated by...women.  Where Chris is not totally correct is that the women are leaving “supportive, healthy, kind, loving people.”  In some cases this is absolutely true and in some cases it is not.

In the cases where the women have been speaking up, many of the husbands have chosen not to listen.  The women have repeatedly told the men they don’t like the way they are being treated and have frequently asked their husbands to change.  The men have either outright denied poor treatment, justified it, minimized it or just blew off their wives’ complaints.  The men didn’t think their wives would do anything (since they hadn’t before), so they continued doing what they’d always done.  Imagine their surprise, however, when “all of a sudden” their wives chose to leave the marriage.

In other cases, the women have been miserable for years, but said little or nothing.  Some believed that if they were nicer, kinder or whatever, their marriage would be better.  Others believed that they should just learn to love him anyway and not create any conflict.  So the women suffered in silence until they just couldn’t do it anymore.  Then, one day, they tell their husbands that they haven’t been happy for years and they’re leaving.  Next, they leave.

This isn’t fair to the men.  Men are not responsible for reading our minds.  Suddenly walking out on a marriage is a horrible dynamic to pass on to our children and incredibly painful for our husbands. Walking out also deprives women of the possibility of creating great, loving relationships with their husbands.

So what should men and women do about this?  The first thing we all need to do is stay on our side.  We cannot change our partners so we need to change ourselves.  Here’s my advice for all the men and women out there in long term relationships:

Advice for Women

Speak up. Speak up. Speak up. If you do speak up and he doesn’t listen, then ramp it up.  Set limits.  For example, if he flirts with your friends or at restaurants and tells you he won’t stop, then refuse to go to parties or restaurants with him.  If that doesn’t change anything, then move out of the bedroom until he stops the flirting and agrees to get into counseling.  The bottom line is you need to let him know, with your words AND actions, that you are unhappy and you need to see change.  If he doesn’t change, be clear that your relationship is in jeopardy.

Do not make empty threats.  If you say it, you must follow through—otherwise don’t say it.  Do not give mixed messages.  Too often, we tell our partners one thing, yet water down our message by muddying the waters (e.g. “I don’t like it when you drink.” “Hey, you want to have a drink?”).  Be clear and don’t back peddle; this is confusing and crazy making.

Advice for men

Listen.  Listen.  Listen.  If your wife tells you she’s unhappy—she’s UNHAPPY.  Listen to her.  Men have this crazy tendency to minimize, rationalize and defend their behaviors and it’s killing relationships.  Stop it!  Trust that she knows what she’s talking about and stop being so hard-headed.  If you want your wife to stick around; then you need to treat her cherishingly.

Do not take your wives for granted.  Just because she’s not saying anything today, doesn’t mean she’ll be there tomorrow.  Below are the most common complaints I hear from women about the men in their lives.  If any of these sounds familiar, I suggest you deal with it now; if you don’t, your wife may not be there later:

•    Anger issues or rage
•    Flirting (poor boundaries)
•    Don’t talk or share very much
•    The “busy” bug—always focused on tasks not people
•    Untreated depression
•    Passive aggressive—make empty promises that you don’t keep
•    Never home—always working.  When you are home, you’re still working.
•    Don’t help with the kids or the house
•    Controlling or possessive.

CHALLENGE:  Women if you’re thinking of leaving--SPEAK UP.  Great relationships have been formed because partners have the courage to be honest about what’s not working.  Men—if your loved ones speak up, then you need to listen up.  Be a partner, not a boss or father figure.  Step in and connect rather than shutting down.  It’s no fun to be in a relationship with someone who never talks.  We can do that by ourselves.

The Boston Marathon Tragedy

As I watched the bombs going off only feet away from the Boston Marathon finish line, I was reminded of how fragile life can be. In an instant everything changed for so many people. Runners stopped celebrating, bystanders froze in terror, lives were lost and families were instantly altered forever. 

In an instant, everything changed. 

I can’t imagine what the affected families are going through. How many “what ifs” are being played out in the minds of those touched by this tragedy? How many “whys” are being asked in the hope of making sense of a senseless crime? How many prayers are asking for God’s help? I know many people are struggling to find the answers to this craziness. Honestly, I don’t believe there are any answers that would explain, make sense of or provide understanding of such a cowardly, evil act. Instead of focusing on answers, which of course we also need, my hope is that we focus more of our attention on foraging a path to healing rather than a path of vengeance. In the afterhours of this tragic event, here are a few suggestions to help us get on the path to healing. 

• Refuse to allow hate to create more hate. Ninety-nine percent of the world’s violence takes place in response to violence. We call this offending from the victim position. It’s common for people to think, “You just hurt me so now I get to annihilate you…and I feel no qualms about my retaliation.” When we succumb to this type of thinking we create a tsunami of violence, not an answer to it. Martin Luther King said it best, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” Refuse to succumb to hate.
• Practice gratitude. After watching families crying for their loved ones, I was acutely aware of what a gift my family is. Pull your children in close, hug them, kiss them and tell them you love them. Let go of the pettiness that takes us out of relationships and take a moment to lean into them.
• Don’t waste time. Tragedies like this are an unfortunate reminder that our time on this planet is limited. Don’t take your time for granted. Create the life and relationships you’ve wanted to create forever and have forever start today. 

How to Handle Passive-Aggressive Behavior

I work with couples all the time who are impacted by the sting of passive-aggressive behaviors, which is why I’m writing this post. This post is for those people who are friends with, living with or family members of people who deal with anger and upsets in passive-aggressive ways. 

Here are the best tips I know for ways to address this kind of behavior head on, using compassionate accountability rather than a hammer. 

• When in doubt, check it out. One of the crazy-making things about passive-aggression is that it’s seldom acknowledged yet often felt; it’s “hidden” anger. The first move, therefore, is to take the covering off the anger simply by naming it, “I’m making up that you’re mad because I asked you to help. Are you?” The more you name it, the more you increase the other person’s consciousness—and have your own back. 
• Don’t mind-read. The work for people who struggle with being passive-aggressive is learning to speak their truth in a direct and purposeful way rather than indirectly and unconsciously. Do not alter your behaviors based on what you imagine the other person is upset about. Tell them when they’re ready to talk to you about what’s upsetting them that you’re open to hearing them. Until then, don’t chase them to try to make them feel better.
• Check your responses. Be sure that on your end, you are respectful. It’s not uncommon for passive-aggression to show up with people who struggle with overt aggression and reactivity. You are responsible for being safe in your relationships...and yelling and screaming is not safe. Clean it up.
• Practice compassionate accountability. Have empathy for your partner’s struggle with conflict while also holding them accountable for handling it responsibly and respectfully. Know when to check it out, make a request for change and/or set a limit. Do all of the above using a grounded powerful strength (GPS), not an aggressive strength.
• Be the mirror. When you feel the sting of people side-swiping (biting comments, rolling eyes, silencing, snide remarks) simply hold up a figurative mirror and name what they’re doing. Three examples include: “You’re rolling your eyes;” “Wow, that was biting;” “You won’t even look in my direction.” 
• Have an honest conversation. Find a good time to have an honest conversation about the impact of the passive-aggressive behaviors on you and your relationship. Be clear about what you would like to see be different and what you will do about it if it doesn’t change (e.g. “If this doesn’t change, I want to separate” or “I will no longer chase you down to see if something’s the matter. From now on, I will assume if you’re not speaking about a problem, then everything is ok.”
• Explain the degree of seriousness involved.  If you’re thinking of leaving the marriage because of this issue, state that. The other person has the right to know how high the stakes are so they can decide how much they’re willing to lose. 

Challenge: Although passive aggression can be extremely frustrating, yelling and complaining about it just keeps it going. Be calm and forthright in your approach and deal with it head on and in a respectful manner. When talking doesn’t work, know when to set limits and up the ante when necessary. Good luck!

Changing Your Family’s Toxic Legacy

All human beings have been -- and continue to be -- greatly influenced and impacted by our family of origin. Some of these influences have been great and some have been toxic. And all of these influences impact the legacy we pass on to our children. For those who don’t have children, these influences impact the personal legacy we leave in the world. 

 What is particularly hard on couples, individuals and families, though, are the toxic legacies. Toxic legacies leave a tsunami of damage in families and in our world. Most of the time, these toxic legacies are unconsciously lived out and sadly passed on from one unsuspecting generation to the next. Before you know it, a person can look back a hundred years and see the same insidious, painful patterns back then that are being played out in the present day. Why is that? It seems crazy that people can’t learn to not repeat the same mistakes their great-great-great grandparents, grandparents and more recently their own parents made. Is it in our DNA to repeat the same toxic behaviors as those who have come before us? Are our destinies pre-wired? 

 Let me start by defining “toxic legacy.” A toxic legacy is a pattern of hurtful, painful and/or damaging behaviors that have been handed down from one generation to another through role modeling.  When parents repeatedly interact in a family system in an unhealthy way, they are imprinting this behavior on their children. The children (us, let’s say) then often grow up and repeat the behaviors we saw played out everyday of our childhood. As children, “we live what we know and we know what we lived.” As we grow up, we repeat what we learned in the first 18 years of our lives. And if we don’t repeat it ourselves, we often marry someone who does. 

Feeling Gloomy for Far Too Long? Fight Back

Many people struggle with feeling gloomy, down or even depressed from time to time. Sadness and feeling down is a normal part of the human condition. If we’re not careful though, what is a normal part of being human can turn into a more serious issue.

Fortunately, feeling down can be turned around if we start taking active steps to shift it. For those of you who struggle with depression, this is true for you as well. If you’re tired of feeling down and not liking yourself, your circumstances or your relationships, then take action to turn things around.

Below are several ways to actively intervene on depression, feeling down and/or not liking something in your life (or in you). Many of these suggestions, you have no doubt heard before, so instead of ignoring them, think to yourself that you’ve heard these a thousand times before…BECAUSE THEY WORK. When we get down, we think everyone’s full of crap and the things “they” tell us to do are stupid. If you’re struggling, tell that voice in your head to be quiet…and then just try these ideas. You have nothing to lose.

1.    Tell the inner critic in you to shut up. You cannot feel better when you have a constant voice in your head telling you how much you suck, or how fat you are or how disgusting you are or on and on. Cut the negative self-talk, it is your WORST enemy. Tell it to shut up and refuse to give it airtime. Our inner critic’s goal is to keep us down. Don’t give it that power. When you hear your inner critic being abusive (yes our inner critics ARE verbally abusive), literally say, “Oh would you just shut up. I’m not interested in hearing from you today.” Say this every time and don’t give it a second thought.
2.    Talk to yourself with compassion. When you make a mistake, don’t like how you look, etc., talk to yourself as you would talk to your best friend. You wouldn’t tell your best friend she looks terrible because she’s fat, ugly, disgusting, etc. You would say to not worry about a bad hair day—we all have them. If her boyfriend broke up with her, you would tell her that it’s his loss and she’s awesome. Practice talking to yourself as though you were your own best friend and leave the verbal abuse out of the equation.

A Note to Men: Don’t Ignore The Complaints…Even When They’re Not Spoken Directly

I have to say that I have mixed feelings about what I’m about to say. You see, on the one hand it really is important to be tuning into the complaints that are made under a person’s breath or through their cold actions. On the other hand, though, it’s also important for people to truly speak what’s going on for them—clearly, respectfully and DIRECTLY. But, that’s a different post I suppose…

So...let’s focus on this post to help those of you who think everything’s fine when it really isn’t. I’m largely speaking to the men about this (although there are always exceptions) because in my experience women are often the ones who are complaining indirectly, while the men are often the ones ignoring those subtle (and not so subtle) complaints.

Women’s complaints often center around the men not being home, working too much, not talking, being too explosive, drinking too much, not playing with the kids and on and on. The men hear these complaints as proof that they can’t do anything right. More often than not, the men respond by either blowing up or blowing off the complaints, believing the women will “get over it.” And the truth is, the women do get over it…for a while. If the men get angry at their complaints, the women will often shut down. If the men ignore the complaints, the women often feel resigned and pull away or go underground with their resentments.

Dealing with Relationship Stress: Break it Down

Recently I’ve been working on the first five of ten questions from the TED MED Greatest Challenges project. My questions happen to be on Coping with the Impact of Stress. Because so many of us grapple with stress, I thought it would be a valuable topic for a post. Be sure to check out the TED MED site for more information from experts on a wide variety of interesting topics. My topic will be up sometime next week (http://www.tedmed.com/greatchallenges/challenge/302?ref=the-team). 

Most of us feel stress from time to time and many people feel chronic stress much of the time. As many of us are well aware, stress can greatly impact your body, mind and overall life. And stress from a relationship, can really throw your life into a tailspin. Relationship stress can be long-term and chronic or can be a sudden jolt that rocks your world. The chronic form often is the result of long-term poor treatment, high conflict, addiction or distancing and lack of warmth or affection. Sudden jolt stress often is the result of an affair, a sudden change such as loss of a job, a health crisis, etc. Regardless of what the source of your relationship stress is, the strategies for managing it are the same.

Below are several tips on how to handle high levels of stress resulting from your relationship:
1.    Pause and take a step back. The first thing you want to do is to simply pause and don’t do anything. Put some space between you and the problem, your feelings and your reactions to the problem. Slow yourself down and breathe. Take a few slow, deep breaths and calm your heart rate down before making any decisions or reacting in any way.
2.    Don’t go into all-or-nothing/black-or-white thinking. Keep your thoughts on the present and avoid thinking about how this incident or this relationship is going to play out or impact you in the future. The truth is you don’t know. Simply stay focused on today, this issue and this moment in time.  If it is a chronic issue, stay focused on the issue that is creating the stress/problem and don’t expand it beyond the relationship or issue.

Valentines Day: A Day to Remember ALL Our Loved Ones

So often Valentine’s Day gets hyped up as a day for lovers only.  It’s often seen as a day of romance, passion and sparks.  Although romance can be one part of this day, it is certainly not the only part. 

Valentine’s Day is a day to remember our loved ones—not just our romantic partners--all our loved ones.  It’s a day to remind ourselves that we are part of a greater system than just ourselves.  The everyday demands of life too often take us away from remembering what truly matters—love and relationships.  Valentine’s Day is a reminder for us to stop and pay attention to those we care about.

Throughout the day today, stop and remember those people who have touched and continue to touch your life in a significant way.  Think of small ways you can let them know how much they mean to you: 
•    Send an e-mail to your mentor.
•    Call an old friend.
•    Hug your children and tell them how much you love them and what a gift they are in your life.
•    Thank your partner for being there for you through thick and thin.
•    Call a sibling and let them know you care. 

The options are endless.  If someone has touched your life, reach back and touch theirs. 

Tips to Get Closer to The Ones You Love

The day-to-day stresses of living can often get in the way of staying close with the people who matter. Balancing the needs of paying the bills, managing the home, doing a good job at work, running errands and on and on, can each be a difficult feat in itself—add relationships to the equation and it can seem impossible. Staying close with friends, children, spouses, lovers and/or family members, though, is vital for our happiness.

Many studies have shown that strong connections and satisfying relationships help reduce stress, improve health and, in some circumstances, actually extend a person’s life.  Nurturing our relationships is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Unfortunately, nurturing is one of the last things we think of when there are deadlines to meet, mortgages due and responsibilities that need our attention. Fortunately, on the other hand,, change happens in the minutiae…meaning it only takes tiny steps to create large shifts.  Below are ten easy steps to take to bring the important people in your life closer. Each step takes only a moment to do, yet leaves a lasting impact.

Ten little steps to bring loved ones closer…here’s to the minutiae of change:
1.    Send a text to a friend or loved one saying you’re glad they’re in your life.
2.    Leave a note in a child’s day planner, lunch box or on their pillow saying they ROCK!
3.    Put a sticky note on your spouse’s bathroom mirror with a loving message (i.e. Still feeling lucky to have you after all these years ).

Find The Courage... and Believe in Yourself

Too many people don’t believe. We don’t believe we’re smart enough, attractive enough, strong enough, fun enough or…simply…enough. We doubt our strength, we doubt our abilities and we doubt ourselves. When others make fun of us, treat us poorly or take advantage, we assume it’s because somewhere inside we’re defective and so we don’t challenge the integrity and character of the other person.

It’s time to start challenging.

Too many of us have no idea what we’re truly capable of. Too many of us sell ourselves short. Teenagers allow bullies to decide their fate, women allow men to determine their worth and employees allow bosses to take advantage. As long as this continues, bullies will continue to bully, men will decide which women are worthy and bosses will continue to take advantage. This doesn’t happen because they’re stronger, brighter or more worthy. It happens because too many of us think we are not.  This lack of faith in one’s self is killing far too many men, women and children. It’s harming our communities and it’s sucking the life out of too many amazing human beings.

It’s time to find the courage.