Straight Talk On Relationships

WHAT’S YOUR LENS AND IS IT HELPING OR HURTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Often we have a view of our partner that does not serve our relationship well.  For example, if my view of my partner is that he’s selfish then, if I’m not careful, I can easily interpret 90% of his behaviors as selfish. 

 

In essence I could create a “selfish” lens from which I view all his actions.  So if one day he forgets to take out the garbage, and another day he has a migraine and doesn’t take out the garbage, my lens doesn’t allow me to process the difference between those two different, yet seemingly same acts.  My lens leads me to assume the worst from my partner which leads to greater frustration and negative feelings, on my part.

 

Seldom is this negative lens present in the early stages of relationships.  In fact, when relationships are newer, we tend to see our partners through much rosier lenses; we’re more than happy to give our partner the benefit of the doubt.  We see our partner’s actions as mistakes or perhaps an oversight.  Rarely, at the beginning of a relationship, do we interpret our partner’s actions as out to get us, or selfish, or a sign of his or her lack of character.  We simply deal with the behavior and try not to make it a huge issue.

 

TRANSFORMING BAD RELATIONSHIPS INTO HEALTHY ONES: THERE'S NO QUICK FIX

People often talk about how unhappy they are in their relationships.  They complain about their poor sex life, lack of connection, mistreatment, their partner’s habits, and so on.  They wish things would change and say they are willing to do anything to make that change happen…until of course I tell them what to do.

 

In my experience, there are several distinct groups of individuals, two of which include:  those who want change and are willing to work like crazy to make change happen, and those who want…those around them to change.   The second group is looking for the magic pill or the quick fix.  They don’t want to work harder than their partners and they certainly don’t want to go first; so they wait, they complain, and they wish.  They do not however change.

 

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, then before you start complaining about it, decide whether you are unhappy enough to do something about it or just unhappy and in the wishing stage:  wishing it would get better, wishing your partner was home more, wishing…(fill in the blank). 

STOP IGNORING THE PROBLEM AND START SPEAKING ABOUT IT: Ignoring issues in relationships, does not mean there are no issues

 

Sally has been away a lot during the past month due to business.  Subsequently her husband has had to take on a great deal of the household responsibilities and raising the kids. They are fortunate because both of their schedules are fairly flexible and allows for one of them to be home at all times.  When Sally returned home from traveling however, she was tired.  She was not prepared to step back into the domestic work mode especially since her husband was doing such a great job.

 

The problem is her husband was tired too.  He was happy to pick up the slack while she was away, however he would’ve liked to have his partner back sharing the load with him upon her return.  He didn’t want to make a big deal about it yet he could feel himself getting more easily frustrated with everyone at home and he was beginning to feel resentful.

 

If Sally and her husband don’t speak about what’s going on for them soon, their relationship is going to feel the strain of all the unspoken resentments, upsets, and stresses.  Sally doesn’t speak up because she wants to rest and figures if her husband is unhappy he’ll say something; she doesn’t want to make up a problem if there isn’t one.  Her husband on the other hand is a nice guy and wants to help as much as he can.  He knows Sally’s been working hard and he’s had some time off so he figures things will get better and back to normal soon.  He’ll just continue what he’s doing and hopefully Sally will start helping out more.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: LOVE IS IN THE ACTION NOT THE THOUGHT

How many times have you heard someone say they’re not very affectionate, not much of a “feelings” person, or not one to wear their heart on their sleeve etc…?  I hear these statements all the time and they’re all cop outs. 

 

I’ve heard both men and women use these statements as a way of excusing their lack of warmth toward their partners.  In fact, I myself have used some of these very statements throughout much of my young adult life.  I did not want to be vulnerable and I certainly was not going to be the first one to share my feelings.  It wasn’t until my relationships ended (because my partners didn’t feel I cared about them) that I realized that vulnerability, emotional intimacy, and risk are a necessary part of loving relationships. 

 

Today, I see many people who haven’t learned the lesson I was fortunate enough to learn.  They continue to be invulnerable, self-guarded, and emotionally shut down—all to the detriment of their relationship.  They believe that simply being in the relationship, working hard to financially support the family, and being faithful, should be enough proof of their love.  It’s not.

 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: THE READERS SPEAK OUT

I've received several comments following my last post on domestic violence and wanted to address some of them.  FIrst and foremost I want to thank all my readers for taking the time to write in on this topic.  I also want to thank several of you for reminding me that women are not the only ones who are physically abused.  Although domestic violence is more common for women than men, men are also the victims of physical abuse by thier partners and subsequently deal with many of the same painful issues as women who are abused.

 It is difficult to get an accurate statistic on the frequency however due to the low level of reporting by men.  Men often don't report the violence due to several factors including: the stigma of a man being hit by a woman, not believing they will be believed, the physical damage is often much less than when the man is the perpetrator, lack of community support and knowledge of violence by women toward thier partners.

Many readers also commented on the difficulty of leaving violent relationships.  Leaving violent relationships is one of the most difficult things to do.  Often there has been years of abuse on top of isolation and a break down of the person's spirit; these are not easy obstacles to overcome.  If they are able to overcome these obstacles and actually make the decision to leave, then they have to deal with the fact that they are the greatest risk of violence when they leave...not an easy feat for anyone to overcome let alone someone who has been beaten down emotionally and physically for years. 

YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR YOUR LIFE? NO ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH YOUR LIFE!

This week’s headlines regarding Nancy Cooper’s murder has led me to write this post.

Nancy

was the mother of two beautiful little girls who are now left to deal with one of the most traumatizing, life altering adversities anyone could ever experience.  Whether her husband is guilty of this murder or not, it brings to light the horrifying reality of domestic violence.

 

I receive several e-mails from women involved in either physically abusive or emotionally abusive relationships.  Often these women talk about their struggle to leave or their wish for things to change.  They cling to this idea that their partner will come to his senses and all of a sudden see the error of his ways and no longer be abusive.  

 

I have yet to see this happen.  In fact one truth I know is: wishing the relationship will change, will never change the relationship.

 

MARRIAGE MYTH: MARRIAGE IS THE ANSWER TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

Many people seem to think that when there is a problem in a relationship, getting married will make it disappear.  I have no idea where this thought or fantasy came from but let me be clear…it is NOT true.

 

In fact, not only does marriage not cure what ails an ailing couple, it actually intensifies it.  Put another way:

• Partners who are mean prior to marriage…get meaner after marriage.
• Drinking problems that were present before the marriage…often intensify after the marriage.
• A partner who cheats prior to the wedding date…is likely to cheat after the wedding date.
• Someone who stays out all night with his/her friends when dating…will probably stay all night when married.

RELAXATION AND RELATIONSHIPS: THE ART OF PUTTING RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE TASKS

Have you ever known anyone who just couldn’t sit down?  S/he would be folding the laundry, mowing the lawn, straightening up an already clean house, weeding, gardening, exercising, taking a bike ride, running to the store, washing the car, waxing the car…ugh, I’m tired just writing about it.  In essence this person does anything and everything except relax.  People who struggle with this constantly keep busy…and, as a result, they put tasks before relationships.

 

While I was away on vacation this past week, I noticed how difficult it was for some people to just relax.  They were constantly cleaning up after others, straightening chairs, getting people food, getting people drinks, setting the table, cleaning the table, moving the chairs, organizing a game, playing a game…and on and on.  It was exhausting watching them.  It can also be uncomfortable and distancing. 

 

Constant tasks often serve as a wall that keeps any kind of connection or intimacy at bay.

 

I see this with many of the couples I work with.  One partner is constantly on the go while the other partner is repeatedly asking for a little down time together.  The result…frustration, distance, and…a well-kept house.

 

CHANGING ME, CHANGES WE: WORKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALL BY YOURSELF

It seems that as we get older, we get more and more stuck in our ways.  For example, if I get really upset at my husband I tend to get quiet and stew.  I do this every time I’m really triggered and acting unhealthy (which is not that often of courseJ).  The point is I keep trying the same move no matter how many times it hasn’t worked. 

It’s like I become the crazy foreigner who asks for directions and every time the person says s/he doesn’t speak English I repeat the same exact question only louder and more slowly; like all of a sudden the person is going to magically understand English.  My brain is stuck on one path in that moment and I think that perhaps if I keep doing the exact same thing, only with more gusto, it will help.

Unfortunately, doing the same thing repeatedly seldom helps.  In fact, it often leads to more frustration.  So, many years ago I figured out that if I wanted something to be different, I had to act differently.  I actually had to stop shutting down and stewing and instead try a new approach.    My new move inevitably forced a new move from my husband which was awesome and actually fun to experiment with.  When my new move resulted in a negative move on his part, I changed the move until I got a result I was happy with. 

 

COP TO YOUR MISTAKES AND BOOST YOUR RELATIONSHIP

• Samantha asked her mother to please pick her up at school on time today since she has practice across town right after school.  Her mother immediately became defensive and started explaining all the reasons she’s late.  She told her daughter if she couldn’t handle her mother being a couple minutes late then perhaps she should find her own ride to practice.
• Tom came into my office utterly frustrated that his wife would not acknowledge anything she did and seldom if ever apologized.  He believed that all his wife did was complained.  He said that when he tries to discuss this with her she frequently turns it on him by saying she wouldn’t have to complain if he would just do what she asked.
• Sue is at her wits end with her husband’s snappy comments and subsequent defensiveness.  Every time she says she doesn’t like his tone, he gets defensive, says he didn’t have a tone, or blames her for not liking anything he does.

 

In all of these scenarios the couples are struggling with an accountability issue…and it’s eroding their relationships.  Many people struggle with taking ownership of their mistakes and instead they try to cover them up, blame them on someone or something else, rationalize them, or defend against them.  It’s as though the person believes that if they rationalize, justify, or defend their actions, it will trick their partner into thinking the action was okay.  WRONG. 

 

BEING RELATIONAL EVEN WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS NOT PRESENT…THE IMPORTANCE OF AVOIDING PARTNER BASHING

 

It never ceases to amaze me how poorly people speak of their partners when not in their presence.  I hear women bad mouthing men in general, and their partners in specific, often.  I hear men making derogatory statements about their wives to their friends who laugh and give the “all knowing” men’s club look; you know, the one that says, “Oh yeah, we know how women can be” (nudge, nudge).  It seems the women are sure the men are no good, pigs, and the men think the women are irrational bitches. 

 

Hmm, doesn’t seem to be a great recipe for love, respect, and partnership to me:  Does it to you?

 

Women and men, both, need to stop acting like adolescents and begin to be relational regarding each other--in front of the other sex, and behind their back.  If you go to your friends to talk about what a louse your husband is or what a bitch your wife is, the only thing that is likely to result, is further distance.  

 

Whenever a group of friends or acquaintances are joining around the ill of another gender, they are off.  If you’re in a group of women and you join in while they are degrading men, you are degrading your father, husband, brothers, sons, grandsons, etc.  Likewise, if you join in with a group of men in the degradation of women, you are degrading all women; your mother, wife, sisters, daughters, grand-daughters etc. 

 

ADDICTIONS AND RELATIONSHIPS

Addiction is toxic to families.  Regardless of which family member is the addict, all family members suffer.  Once a family member is under the grip of addiction, the entire family’s life gets turned upside down.  Regardless of what the addiction is (i.e. alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, etc.) it’s an incredibly painful situation to watch and to live in.

 

The change in moods, erratic behavior, and lies are particularly hard on families.  People can’t believe their loved ones would lie straight to their face. They can’t believe that s/he won’t just wake up one day and realize they are going down the wrong path and just change back.  They want to believe more than anything that their loved one will get it and go back to who and how they used to be…and so they wait…and they trust…and they wait…and they trust…and they…get burned.

 

If I could give families one piece of advice on addiction it would this:  DO NOT WAIT.  Get them into treatment as early as possible and with the best, most reputable addictions specialist as possible.  Do not play with fire; addiction will intensify in the blink of an eye.  If you’re premature, there’s no harm done; if you’re slow to act, you’re looking at a possible lifetime of fighting an uphill battle.  

 

LIGHTEN UP…BRINGING FUN AND HUMOR INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP

"The simple truth is that happy people generally don’t get sick."
(Bernie Siegel, M.D.)

“…and happy couples generally don’t get divorced”

(Lisa Merlo-Booth, M.A.)

Life is so stressful, busy, and pressured sometimes that we just forget to laugh.  We get so caught up in doing work, driving the kids here, traveling there, answering e-mails, making meetings, handling the finances, scheduling appointments etc., that we forget to LIGHTEN UP! 

One of the best indicators of a good relationship, or a potentially good relationship, is humor.  Humor is a core strength in couples that helps the rough times not feel so bad and the good times feel great.  There’s nothing like a little playfulness and genuinely, innocent humor to help round out your day…and protect your emotional, physical, and relational, health.

Bringing a little humor into your relationship may be just the thing you need to add some spark.  Here are five quick tips to bring in some fun:

• Lovingly tease one another…i.e. if you’re partner tends to be high maintenance around ordering food tease her with love…”Uh I’d like an avocado sandwich with no avocado, a tad bit of mustard on the side, and rye toast without those little black things in it…would you mind sweetie?”.  If you’re the partner being teased—if it was done with love—laugh.
• Be playful…i.e.  Tell your partner he’s looking “mighty hot” in those Levi’s; say, “Hey baby where you been all my life?” Talk in a funny accent, laugh at yourself.  Do some playful jarring, a little love tap on the arm, followed by one to the chin, and then start to bob and weave…just be playful.
• Tell jokes, funny stories, and a good one-liner.  Don’t be so serious, relax, and have a laugh.  Pull your shorts up to your arm pits, make a funny face, and ask your partner if you could have a hug.
• Be playful around mistakes:  If your partner is a little short with you, instead of berating him, say in a light hearted way, “Where’s the love baby?  I’m not feelin’ the love.” When you trip in front of a room full of people--laugh; I’m sure it looked really funny.  If your partner falls in front of a room full of people—make sure s/he is okay…and only laugh if s/he does firstJ.
• Watch funny movies, shows, plays etc., together.  America’s Funniest Home Videos seldom fails to crack my family up and through the laughter, I always feel closer to them.  “The Last Comic Standing” had my husband and me laughing so hard one show that we were in tears; to this day we still tell our kids the joke about the skater and boxer being interviewed by the reporter after falling on the ice and being punched in the nose.  It has provided many moments of laughter and fun times.

If your relationship could use a little jump start, look for the humor in things.  Healthy humor brings people closer, is playful, increases intimacy, reduces stress, and increases positive emotions.  It is not biting, judgmental, contemptuous, or toxic in any way. 

Playfulness and humor is a healthy, fun way to bring your relationship to the next level.  If there’s too much seriousness going on at home…LIGHTEN UP.  Make it a point to add some humor to the home front and see what you notice.

Do you and your partner use humor?  If so, what do you think??? 

CHALLENGE:  LIGHTEN UPJ…and take concrete steps to bring humor into your relationship…either via reading, watching videos, or actively being playful.  Tell me what you notice. 

If you want to read up on the effects of laughter:  http://holisticonline.com/Humor_Therapy/humor_mcghee_article.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/life/humor_laughter_health.htm

If you want a chuckle and to LIGHTEN UP!!!:-)

http://www.funny2.com/wright.htm

WOMEN AND RELATIONSHIPS: THE INEFFECTIVENESS OF OVER SHOOTING AND UNDERSHOOTING

Women often fight immoderately--either overshooting or undershooting.  When they overshoot, they yell, control, go on and on incessantly, or make repeated empty threats, all of which are ineffective.  When women undershoot, they accommodate, say yes when they mean no, take whatever they’re given, and either shut down, distance, get resentful, or get depressed. 

 

Instead, women need to get healthier within themselves. They need to believe in themselves, trust that they deserve to be treated well, know that others also deserve to be treated well, then stand in confidence behind these beliefs. 

 

Standing in confidence means not settling for less-than-respectful behaviors, standing up for yourself when others are off, and surrounding yourself with people who treat you well and cherish you.  It also means treating others respectfully at all times--even in anger; stating calmly, respectfully, and firmly what you’re upset about; and setting a limit rather than blasting others.  It means being clear about what you want and need without stomping on others, nagging, or making empty threats.

 

CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part II): GET OFF YOUR BACK??? HOW ABOUT ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING AND THEN I’LL GET OFF YOUR BACK--DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?!

A NOTE TO WOMEN

In my previous post I wrote about men feeling as though they can never do anything good enough for their partners.  My suggestion was for them to make sure that when they say they’re going to do something that they not only actually do it, but they also make sure to do it well. 

Now it’s time to look at the woman’s side of this equation--the frequent criticisms, anger, and control.  Let me start by saying… “I get it”; I totally get that when you have to ask your partner to do something a thousand times before he does it (if he does it at all), it can be frustrating…to say the least.  I also get that if your partner truly is irresponsible and either doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do, or if he does a mediocre job at best when he does do something, that it’s beyond frustrating.  I get it--I really do. 

AND… your response to what he does or does not do is equally as important and impactful to your relationship as his actions are.  Regardless of whether he is doing what he says he will do or doing it well, you still have to be respectful.  His irresponsibility does not justify your being controlling, critical, and contemptuous.