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March 14, 2011

Affairs and The "Other Woman": Lies Mistresses Tell Themselves

IStock_000007030859XSmall Affairs unfortunately are impacting countless families and relationships. I decided to address this topic from a different angle--the angle of the mistress.  Below are myths that many mistresses in the world believe.  While I understand how and why they believe these stories, let me be clear that they are all MYTHS.

1.    I’m his true love.  You may feel like his true love, however chances are his wife was also his true love at first.  Most relationships are intimate and great in the beginning—your affair is no different.  Affairs are easy to be intimate in -- you don’t have the demands of kids, jobs, finances, keeping things interesting after being together for ten years, etc.   
2.    His wife is cold and doesn’t know how to keep him happy.  His wife is not the cold, frigid witch that you may think she is or that he may paint her to be.  I know many married couples who were having sex throughout the man’s affair and reported being happy with one another.  Not everything the man tells you is true.  More often than not, he’s lying to you the same way he’s lying to his wife; you’re no different.  I can’t tell you how many other women were hurt to find out that their lover and his wife were still having sex.  The other women were shocked to find out that the men were lying to them too.  Don’t think you’re above his lies—you’re not.  Be careful about thinking his wife is a cold witch because some day he’s likely to say the same about you.


3.    “I don’t care if he’s married.  I don’t care about his wife—that’s her problem.”  The notion that your sleeping with another woman’s husband is her problem is a lie you’re telling yourself.  It’s your problem, too.  If you were healthy, you would never be hooking up with someone who’s married because you would know that he was NOT healthy.  Be attracted to him—yes.  Sleep with him—no.  When you sleep with a married man, you tell yourself that you’re not good enough to be someone’s number one.  In addition, when you stop caring about the impact you have on other people in the world, you become the cold, uncaring witch you thought his wife was.  Being hurtful to others has a way of coming back to haunt us.  The more integrity you have in this lifetime, the better you and those around you will feel.  Start caring about who you impact because ultimately that will impact you.
4.    He is going to leave his family for me.  I can count on one hand the number of men who have left their families for an affair partner.  More times than not, they beg their wives not to leave them once the wives find out.  For those men who are conflicted, they still struggle with leaving their children even if they don’t care about their wives.  It is a long, painful process for everyone involved.  If the man you’re with doesn’t care about either his wife or his children—why do you want him?
5.    Once he leaves his wife, I will have his full attention and it will just be us.  Once he leaves his wife, he will be guilt-ridden about losing his family and not seeing his children as much as he used to.  You will never have him all to yourself—that is not how life works.  If he has children, you will ALWAYS be sharing him with them.  His children (if he is at all a good father) will always be a priority in his life. 

Affairs are damaging to everyone involved—including the other women.  You sell yourself short when you decide to be with someone who is already committed to someone else.  The likelihood of him cheating on you and lying to you just as he did/does to his wife is high.  Your thinking poorly of his wife because of the stories he tells you is naïve.  Do yourself and every other woman in the world a favor and stay away from married men.  Seldom are the relationships what they seem -- your relationship with him or his relationship with his wife.  Stop hurting families and pretending it’s not your fault.  Stop selling yourself short and find someone you can truly be intimate with.  If this man was meant to be that person, he wouldn’t be balancing his time between two (or more) women.  Get smart, get in integrity and GET OUT.

CHALLENGE:  Stop telling yourself that you’re different or that he loves you or…and begin to look at the picture in front of you.  What damage are you and he causing?  Have you caught him in a lie?  If not, how do you know?  How does he talk about his wife?  How do you feel knowing he’s with her, too?  If that doesn’t bother you, where is it that you learned to settle for so little?

Comments

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So damn true. I can cry right now. But it's very hard to leave him. What should I do?Although I know I can fall in love with someone else because I'm very young, I'm very scared of leaving him. :(


Dear Anna: I know it's hard...and you don't have him no anyway. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and only you. Don't allow you're fear to keep you in a situation that is bad for you. Everyone has fear. Acknowledge it and don't let it stop you from doing what's in your long-term best interest.
Warm Regards-Lisa

Thank you! Because of articles like these on the web, I am making smarter decisions about men. For the past year I've been soooo attracted to a married guy at work, and yup- he told me every lie in the book. Almost lulled into having an affair by his "lies" ( which by the way always make him seem like a sensitive, misunderstood person)

luckily I've manage to not get involved.

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