Straight Talk On Relationships

CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part II): GET OFF YOUR BACK??? HOW ABOUT ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING AND THEN I’LL GET OFF YOUR BACK--DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?!

A NOTE TO WOMEN (who like things done a certain way and are so angry at their partners that they struggle with restraining their contempt)

In my previous post I wrote about men feeling as though they can never do anything good enough for their partners.  My suggestion was for them to make sure that when they say they’re going to do something that they not only actually do it, but they also make sure to do it well. 

Now it’s time to look at the woman’s side of this equation--the frequent criticisms, anger, and control.  Let me start by saying… “I get it”; I totally get that when you have to ask your partner to do something a thousand times before he does it (if he does it at all), it can be frustrating…to say the least.  I also get that if your partner truly is irresponsible and either doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do, or if he does a mediocre job at best when he does do something, that it’s beyond frustrating.  I get it--I really do. 

AND… your response to what he does or does not do is equally as important and impactful to your relationship as his actions are.  Regardless of whether he is doing what he says he will do or doing it well, you still have to be respectful.  His irresponsibility does not justify your being controlling, critical, and contemptuous. 

CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part I): GET OFF MY BACK!!! DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT IN THE EYES OF YOUR PARTNER?

A NOTE TO MEN…

One of the most common complaints I hear from men is they can’t do anything right.  They swear that no matter what they do--even if they do exactly what their partner asked them to do--it’s not good enough.  They are adamant that their partner will either complain about what they just did, or she will come up with a list of ten more things to get done.  The women believe that if the men would just do what they say they’re going to do--and do it right--then they wouldn’t have to complain.

Sound familiar?  If so, then you’re not alone, I hear this story again and again.  In fact, it’s wreaking havoc in many relationships.  The men see the women as insatiable shrews and the women see the men as irresponsible slackers.  So what’s a couple to do? 

Let’s start with the men:  I see men repeatedly agree to do things--to get their partner’s off their backs.  They say yes in the moment, when they have no intention of following through any time soon.  They’re tired, they want to relax, and the last thing they want to do is get into an argument about whether or not they’re going to mow the lawn.  “Yes”, is the fastest route to calm…for now.  

Unfortunately that moment passes and the “yes” that got her off your back originally, now has her clutching to your back like an enraged tiger. 

TIPS TO HELP COOL YOUR ANGER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Anger is a common problem for many people in relationships and it is toxic when not controlled.  Individuals are struggling with it, children are emulating it, and couples are separating because of it. 

If you’re interested in a mutually energizing relationship, then it’s time to start controlling your anger, and stop allowing your anger to control you.  If you truly want to change your relationship, and you struggle with anger, then you have to work it.

The first step to controlling your anger (after you realize it’s a problem) is to change your beliefs about anger.  Here are several beliefs to adopt to help you get it under control:

CHILDREN AS OUR TEACHERS: CHOOSING HAPPINESS OVER RIGHTEOUSNESS

A very wise client sent me the following clip a while ago (thank you):

Boston Globe columnist Linda Weltner tells a story about being at a playground, watching children at play.  Two children got into an argument over a toy, had nasty words, separated and then came together moments later to continue playing.  Ms. Weltner asked a mother sharing the bench, “How do children manage to be so angry with each other one minute, and then the best of friends the next?”  The mother said, “It’s easy.  They chose happiness over righteousness.”

Children not only know how to forgive, they also know that enjoying times with their friends is a top priority.  The longer they waste fighting, the less time they have for fun…and they are all about having fun.  Seems like a pretty simple equation to me.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT IS IT AND WHY IS IT A SHOW STOPPER?

Over the years I’ve heard many excuses for partners treating each other in emotionally abusive ways.  When I say emotionally abusive, what I mean is: calling your partner names, swearing at him/her, yelling or screaming at your partner, belittling him/her, harshly criticizing him/her, saying hurtful things because you are angry, and threatening your partner in any way. 

Any and all of the above constitutes poor treatment.  Any and all of the above is disrespectful every time and for any reason.  There is no justification, rationalization, or excuse for treating your partner in this way… period.  This is true whether you are a man or a woman.

That said, it does not mean that we are all perfect and will not have our moments.  We are human and will make mistakes.  There’s a difference however between making a mistake and owning it, versus justifying that mistake and blaming the other person for it.

ARE YOU FUELING YOUR PARTNER’S ANGER BY RUNNING FROM IT?

• Stacey’s son throws a temper tantrum every time he doesn’t get his way.  Stacey responds by trying her best to placate her son and settle him down. 

She teaches her son that his tantrums work.

• Steve’s wife often gets so angry and reactive when she doesn’t like something he’s doing that he just clams up and does what she tells him.   

He teaches his wife that her anger and reactivity work. 

• Laura hates it when her husband gets angry and short with her.  He becomes demanding and she gives him what he wants to avoid an escalation. 

She teaches him that his anger and entitlement work. 

Many couples struggle with anger issues.  Typically one partner is quick to anger while the other partner is quick to duck and give in.  When I speak about the importance of not fueling the flame of their partner’s anger, the ducking partner often responds by saying they walk on eggshells to insure they don’t fuel any more anger from their partner.  My response: “Walking on eggshells is like lighting a match to their partner’s anger.”   

HAVE YOU CHOSEN TO STAY WHILE YOUR PARTNER CONTINUES TO HAVE AN AFFAIR? IF SO, IT’S TIME TO LOOK AT THAT DECISION

It may be surprising to know that many people decide to stay in their marriages while their partner’s openly having an affair.  There are many reasons for this including:

• Fear of being alone
• Believing that if they stay and do everything right their partner will come to his/her senses and decide to end the affair
• Lack of resources and finances
• A desperate longing to be loved

If you are making this same choice, I want you to do so while being conscious of the repercussions of that decision.  In the short run this decision might feel good--you get to put off a sudden end to the marriage, you still get a part of your partner, and as long as your partner stays you feel somewhat loved. 

The problem happens…in the long run.

STANDING UP FOR HELATHY RELATIONSHIPS: WILL YOUR HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND RISE TO THE OCCASION OR TURN AND RUN?

Many women I work with struggle with wanting a different relationship yet not wanting to stand up to their partners to get one.  They just wish that their partners would step up and be more relational on their own.  I can’t help but think how I would love that same thing regarding my children. I just want them to speak respectfully, do their chores, and follow the limits--on their own. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?!

Well, as wonderful as that may be, I don’t see it happening. Men, women, and children for that matter, are all creatures of habit and that habit often does not change just because you wish it to.  In fact, the more you watch the habit and hope for it to change, the more it grows bigger.

It’s frequently not until you stand up, be clear about what you need and want, and then stand behind that request, that things begin to change.  Although there are times when even this won’t work, it’s your best shot at getting the relationship you’ve always wanted.

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RELATIONSHIP STRUGGLES… HOW MUCH STRUGGLE IS TOO MUCH?

There are so many conflicting messages in the world about relationships that people don’t know what to expect or even hope for in their relationships.  On the one side we hear that relationships are hard work and at the other end we hear that if you marry your soul mate, everything should be smooth sailing.

So what’s the truth?

My belief is that relationships take time to form, attention to grow, and nourishment to stay strong.  This can be hard work, however, most of the work is time and attention--not constant struggles filled with harsh comments, intense fighting, or cold silences. 

There’s a difference between putting time into something, versus working like a dog constantly to be heard, respected, and cherished.   I believe that relationships take time and effort.  I do not believe they should be an endless dance of pain and sorrow followed by occasional moments of joy.

A SIMPLE TOOL FOR CONNECTION IN RELATIONSHIPS: THE CHECK-IN

In my work with couples throughout the years, I’ve been amazed by how little partners talk with one another.  Sure, there’s the obligatory hello and how was your day, but beyond that there’s very little communicating going on.  Some couples don’t even say hello.

I still find this to be surprising and…sad.  I can’t imagine coming home every night and not having an adult conversation with my partner--how lonely.  Intimacy is all about sharing your world with your partner.  You can’t do this if you barely talk to one another. 

The reality is people need connection, plain and simple.  If people aren’t feeling connected at home, they will go outside the home.  Women often will turn to their girlfriends to fuel them emotionally while the men turn to work.  After a while, both parties are getting a majority of their needs met outside the relationship. 

It’s often only a matter of time before this distance becomes too great to surmount.

STAND BY YOUR MAN…TO DO OR NOT TO DO: SHOULD GOVERNOR ELIOT SPITZER’S WIFE BE STANDING BY HER MAN…LITERALLY?

Another one bites the dust; it seems as though the politicians in this country are dropping like flies.  Whether it’s a heterosexual affair with an intern, a gay affair with another man, or string of sexual indiscretions with prostitutes, things are heating up in the political world. 

Unfortunately it is not only the offending individuals who are paying the price.

The ripple effect of these betrayals is enormous, touching the lives of the spouses, children, colleagues, employees, and our entire political system.  The spouses are devastated, the children ridiculed and teased, employees are forced to clean out their offices while the next political target comes in, and the faith in our Nations’ political system is shaken once again.

The behavior of one, impacts the lives of many... 

STICK TO THE ISSUE AT HAND…RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD ENOUGH DEALING WITH CURRENT ISSUES, NO NEED TO DREDGE UP THE PAST ONES TOO

Have you ever found yourself going on and on incessantly about something your partner has done? You’re so angry about something s/he just did you can’t help but bring up every other similar offense s/he has done in the past twenty years.

You end up sounding something like this:

“I can’t believe you’re late AGAIN!!! You said you’d be home at 7:00; it’s 7:15. You’re NEVER on time! Last month you did the same thing: you said you’d be home at 6:00 but NOOOOOO of course you can’t make it home at 6:00, you get home at 7:00. You don’t call me, you don’t apologize…NOTHING! Not only that, do you remember when we had that party last year? Oh yeah, that was a great one.  I pleaded with you to be on time and you SWORE you would--but were you?  Of course not! You weren’t on time then either.  You were even late on our wedding day! Yeah, go figure, at MY wedding it’s not the bride who’s traditionally late, of course not, it’s the groom!!! That was twenty years ago and you’re still doing the same damn thing. Your mother told me you were even late for your own birth!!! How screwed up is that?!

Does this sound familiar to anyone?  If it does--know that you are not alone. There are hundreds of couples who are trying to deal with this issue on a steady basis. I often hear the men complaining about how their partner is constantly nagging them and bringing up old issues. The women complain that the men keep doing the same damn things so why wouldn’t they bring up other examples.

So what’s the real scoop? 

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THE IMPORTANCE OF GRACE AND FORGIVENESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

Grace: a generosity of spirit; a capacity to tolerate, accommodate, or forgive people.

The other day my husband casually commented that our anniversary was on Wednesday and wondered what we wanted to do.  Being the good relationship coach that I am, I was shocked and said, “Ooooh, my gosh! Is it really?!” My husband paused and looked at me, silently allowing my very relational comment to sink in.  I quickly try to recover and say that I knew our anniversary (our 15^th by the way) was on the 27^th, I just didn’t realize the 27^th was Wednesday! 

(As I’m sure you can imagine this wasn’t all that helpful).

Fortunately, our friends were over and out of pity I’m sure, one of them offered to watch the kids while we go out for dinner.  I thank her very much and say that would be a great idea.  I then go to look at my schedule.  Well, to make matters worse...I open my book and I just burst out laughing (okay also not very relational, I know).  Everyone’s staring at me and my husband, with a smirk on his face, says “Yes Lisa?” 

CHANGING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH A ONE-TWO PUNCH

In order to get the relationship you want, you must be willing to work for it.  The best way I know to do this is to apply the relationship one-two punch:

1. Ask for nothing more than you’re willing to give in relationships.
2. Accept nothing less.

Often in couples there’s one person who is more of the taker and one who is more of the giver.  The taker may provide an income to the family; however, beyond that s/he tends to be fairly selfish.  The taker wants things done his/her way, does what s/he wants to do when s/he wants to do it, may provide little emotional support or comfort to family members, and adds little beyond money to the family system.  The giver basically accepts what the taker gives (with occasional outbursts and pleas, but with no real sustenance).

There are many reasons why this dynamic gets set up, and let me be clear that often both parties contribute to this dynamic:  takers learn to take advantage of their partners because their partners allow it; givers continue to do everything because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t do it all.  Both partners create an endless dance of give and take, and neither are very skilled at partnering.   

GOSSIP AND RELATIONSHIPS…AN UNHEALTHY MIX

One of my relational cornerstones is: Don’t speak ill of others--it reflects poorly on you (not to mention it doesn’t feel so great to the person being talked about either). This cornerstone is about gossiping.  Gossiping, throughout the ages, has been used maliciously, as a means of connecting to others, as a way of making you look/feel better than someone else, as a deflection, and absentmindedly. 

The problem is: when we gossip--we hurt others and ourselves.  We hurt ourselves by being out of integrity and by teaching people we can’t be trusted.  We hurt others by speaking about them in a negative light.  It may feel fine when you’re on the speaking end of the information, but I guarantee you it’s not so fine when you’re the one being spoken about.

I remember being in a group of women who would talk about other people without a second thought it seemed.  Inevitably, I would walk away wondering what they were going to say about me once I got out of earshot.  It was a very uncomfortable feeling.  At that moment I realized that if we talk about acquaintances, there’s no reason to think we won’t talk about our friends too.