Welcome to Straight Talk 4 Women!

Welcome to my new and improved Straight Talk 4 Women blog.  Although I enjoy writing both my blogs – Straight Talk on Relationships and Straight Talk 4 Women – and especially love hearing from you, the reader, on how I have helped you, I’ve felt overextended keeping up with both blogs, along with my practice and my family.  So, after countless business conversations, journal entries and ponderings I’ve decided to combine both blogs into one, which will be more focused and content rich. 

As my work has shifted more and more into working with women, I thought creating a second blog -- Straight Talk 4 Women -- would address this subject matter.  What I found instead was that sustaining two worthwhile blogs made it difficult for me to keep up with the posts in a way that I believe would be most beneficial to my readers.  I realized the challenge has served as a speed bump that has been slowing me down rather than assisting me in being more helpful to you.  

The truth is that, although I’ve been aware of this dilemma for some time, I have not wanted to let go of my original Straight Talk On Relationships blog.  I so appreciate my many loyal readers of this blog and found myself not wanting to upset my male readers.  When I slowed myself down to really think about this, I noticed that I was doing what many women I work with do -- I was sacrificing my own long term best interest because I didn’t want to upset the men or lose my male readers.  My first thought was “How female of me.” . 

I’ve recognize that I have postponed this much needed growth step for far too long and am therefore happy to announce that I will be transitioning my two blogs into one -- Straight Talk 4 Women.  I’m excited about this move and know it will help me to provide more quality and timely posts. 

So what does this mean to you?  It means I will be more focused in my writing and more freed up to create quality products that will help women and relationships.  My current readers do not need to do a thing other than continue to come visit and leave your comments as you always have.  To my male readers, I do hope you stay and continue to read and react to the posts.  Because you have women in your lives, I have no doubt that the posts will benefit you.  Some posts I write will not be gender-specific.  They’ll be for everyone because, of course, I won’t be able to help myself. 

I hope that you find this change to be positive and that you reap the benefits of my decision.  Thank you so much for your support along this journey.  I’m looking forward to traveling together and seeing where we end up!

Wishing everyone ROCKIN’ relationships that fuel you!
Lisa

When Life Throws You A Curve Ball

These past two weeks have been a bit crazy.  While I was in LA giving a workshop, my sister-- who also happened to be in LA at the time--was in a car accident.  She was hit by a drunk driver, which resulted in several injuries including a broken nose and fractured cheekbones.  Due to her injuries, flying was not an option so we ended up going on a road trip from Los Angeles, California to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.  Needless to say it was a bit of a curve ball in my plans.

Here are some of the things I learned—and am still learning from this experience.  I hope you find them helpful. 
When life throws you a curveball:
1.    Do the right thing—not the easiest thing.  I know that if the tables were turned I would be hoping to God that the people in my life would do whatever was necessary for me to be okay.  The reality is that curve balls don’t come at the most opportune time.  It’s our job to notice they’re there, get our priorities straight and do the right thing.  The world will have to wait.
2.    Know that some things will get dropped.  Sometimes many things will get dropped or pushed aside and you have to let go of the guilt that comes with that.  Allow yourself the space to be where you truly need to be—you can catch up to the world later, they don’t need you now.
3.    Give with a good spirit.  If you are going to help someone, then truly help.  Do not be resentful and act as though they owe you anything.  They don’t.  Remember that if the table were turned you would want the same.
4.    Let go of the guilt.  If you’re guilty that the other person is hurt or sick or (Fill in the blank) instead of you—let that go.  It doesn’t serve you or them.  There will be another time when you’re in the more difficult position.  Be thankful that you can help in this moment on this day for this person.

Women, Compliments And Confidence

Earlier this week my teenage son and I were watching a co-ed basketball game and were struck by two observations.  First, the boys were not passing the ball to the girls nearly as much as they were to the boys.  Second, the girls were practically hiding on the court.  My son turned to me with frustration and said, “I hate how girls have no confidence.  Why is that?  And why can’t girls ever just take a compliment?”  I said, “It’s interesting to watch the girls hide and think they’re terrible while the boys think they’re the most amazing players on earth.”  We both laughed for a moment and then talked about this all too common dynamic. 

I was very aware that many of the girls on the court that day would grow up to be women who hide as well.  I know this because I see it every day with women.  I watch women struggle to find their voice, twist themselves into a pretzel to keep a relationship no-one should be keeping and to trust that they are worthy.  And, yes, women struggle with compliments!

Below are a few lessons I’ve learned along the path of life.  I hope women will learn from them as well:
1.    Confidence is attractive.  Knowing in your heart that you are important in this world and standing in that knowledge without conceit or arrogance is very empowering and highly attractive.
2.    Downplaying yourself is unattractive.  Hiding out so others don’t see you is uncomfortable for those around you and toxic to your sense of self and self-esteem. 
3.    The greatest response to a compliment is “Thank You.”  Do not deflect someone’s compliment of you either to fish for more or to manage your anxiety.  Take it in and be appreciative.
4.    Speak your truth or you will lose yourself.  Too many women wake up and say, “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”  Losing yourself is a slow process that occurs one unspoken word or false action at a time.  Eventually they add up until one day you realize you’ve lost yourself.
5.    Feedback is a gift—even difficult feedback.  The critique and upset of others is the greatest mirror of ourselves.  If we want to learn and grow, we have to look at our reflections.
6.    Perfection is unattainable and a set-up for failure.  We will make mistakes.  Others will make mistakes.  The need for perfection is a wound from childhood that will drive you and everyone around you crazy if you don’t let go of it.
7.    Accountability is courageous and necessary.  Owning our mistakes, apologizing for them and not repeating them is like gold in relationships.  Stop being defensive and have the courage to just say, “My bad.  I’m so sorry.”
8.    Control is toxic to relationships—loosen the reigns.  Learn to let go.  Your way is not “the” way…it is “one” way.  Manage your anxieties instead of micro-managing the world.  You are the only person over whom you truly have control –control yourself.
9.    Do not give poor treatment.  The poor behavior of others does not justify your own.  Stay respectful even in anger.
10.    Do not accept poor treatment.  Do not allow others to treat you poorly for any reason.  Set limits when necessary and do so respectfully and calmly.

Over the years, I’ve seen many of these lessons play out in my own life as well as the lives of many other women.  Too many women are trying to prove themselves, win the attention/love/respect of others and be seen as worthy.  Until women learn to accept ourselves, love ourselves and know that we are worthy, we will all struggle in our lives and relationships.  You are worthy.  I am worthy.  We are worthy.  Know it, own it and LIVE it.

Challenge:  Look over the list above with an honest eye.  Give yourself credit for the lessons you live well.  Acknowledge the lessons on which you need more practice.  Choose one lesson at a time and work it until you have achieved significant change.  Then move on to the next.  Pat yourself on the back for each lesson learned.

 

Women Who Go After Attached Men

I was reading an article about single women interested in attached men.  I’m disgusted by what I read (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/201201/women-and-mate-poaching).

According to Psychology Today author John Buri, “When presented bio information along with a photo of a relatively attractive man, fewer than 60% of the women surveyed were interested in pursuing this man if he was NOT currently attached.  But if this man was already in a committed  romantic relationship, 90% of the single women expressed a strong desire to pursue him.”
Buri goes on to report that, “When asked why they were particularly attracted to attached men, single women responded:
-  "Revenge - what goes around comes around."
-  "To see if I can - I love a good challenge."
-  "It's exciting - you're in the hunt."
-  "Because I can - and once I do, it's an ego boost."
-  "Because he's already been tested - he's pre-approved."

Women, really?  If you are looking for a man who is already in a serious relationship you have some personal work to do.  The thrill of the hunt is a callous, superficial way to live your life…and it certainly isn’t serving you any more than it is the marriages and families you are breaking up.  First off, if you are truly going after a man who is in a committed relationship, then even when you “get” him, you don’t “have” him.  If he’s going to cheat on “her,” he’s going to cheat on you...if he even leaves her...which they seldom do.  If you’re just going after him for the “hunt,” then pat yourself on the back that you “got” him and then celebrate your victory…alone?  How internally rewarding is that?  Either way you’re by yourself.  How does that help you? 

Do Apologies Belong In Leadership?

As many people know, Corporate America can be an incredibly stressful culture in which to maneuver.  Today’s economy has only compounded this fact.  Leaders are stressed, employees are stretched to their limits and lay-offs are all too common in many companies.  As a result of these pressures, people’s humanity, and the always- changing demands of business, people are making mistakes.  Not surprisingly, some of these mistakes are being made by the leaders, managers and owners of companies.  Even those in charge are not infallible or perfect.

The fact that those in top positions in business, government and even the world make mistakes is not the problem—at least not to me.  It almost seems like a no-brainer that every human being in the world—regardless of age, income or position--will make mistakes.  Mistakes are simply a part of life and our humanity. 

Leaders, however, often think they should explain, rationalize or justify their mistakes instead of just owning the fact that they messed up.  It’s an interesting phenomenon to watch CEOs, politicians, etc., worm their way out of a poor choice.  Having the courage to own your mistakes and speak genuinely about them is a high-end leadership skill.  It requires self-reflection, empathy for others and accountability. 

These are the very skills that leaders strive to pull from their own employees.  Leaders demand that those they lead be accountable, know their strengths and work on their weaknesses and that they provide the kind of excellent customer service that requires empathy for the customer’s plight.  Why, then, do leaders not model what they ask their employees to master?  When leaders duck from taking responsibilities for their mistakes, they create a culture of ducking.  They show those they mentor that above a certain level you must pretend to be infallible even if you are not.  Leaders who dance around accountability as though it were a hidden landmine model characteristics that would harm any company.  The mistakes are not the most damaging aspect of business...the way those mistakes are handled often is. 

Resentment In Relationships: Are Others To Blame For Your Resentment?

Resentments creep up in relationships all the time.  You’re resentful that your partner works all the time.  You’re resentful that your boss gave your co-worker a raise, but not you.  You feel resentment at your parents for the way they raised you and now expect you to take care of them.  You’re resentful that your children take advantage of you…and on and on.

The truth is that resentments can grow at an absurd rate if you’re not careful.  I say if YOU are not careful…because YOU are the only one responsible for your resentments.  Your resentments are not the fault of other people. 

Take that in for a minute…your resentments are not because of other people or their behavior. 

I realize that when you read the above statements it may be a bit difficult to take in, and even more difficult to actually believe.  You may believe that your feeling resentful at someone is, in fact, because of the other person’s behavior and therefore your resentments are the other person’s fault.  You may also feel very righteous about this. 

Honesty In Business—Is It Wise?

Throughout the years I’ve heard horror stories about lay-offs, firings, restructuring, and so forth.  Some of the more common stories include:
•    Company lay-offs being discussed for months among top management, but denied for just as long to the employees.
•    Sudden restructurings that require placing employees out-of-state with virtually no warning,
•    Security guards escorting long-term employees off the premises immediately following their lay-off.
•    Refusing to give employees any advanced warning about possible layoffs out of fear they may begin to look for another job.

I have no doubt that many people have either experienced these happenings first hand, know of someone who has or have witnessed these occurring.  Anyone who has been in any of the above situations knows they are quite painful.  Working with a company for many years only to be escorted out of the building following a lay-off is one of the most non-relational practices around. 

Many companies keep lay-offs secret and require security escorts because they think they are protecting their company.  They believe that being honest about company lay-offs is unwise.  They also believe that allowing an employee to remain in the building unsupervised for any extended time could be unsafe. 

Companies couldn’t be further from the truth, in my opinion.  The idea that lying to your employees is a wise decision is, frankly, crazy.  Running a business through fear is a losing proposition.  I believe that treating long-time employees as though they are suddenly unsafe to the company actually creates an unsafe environment—it fosters anger, shame and resentment. 

When You Don’t Take Care Of You, Other’s Don’t Take Care Of You Either

Over the years, I’ve worked with countless women who have centered their entire lives around taking care of others.  If their husbands wanted to take a job that involved excessive traveling, crazy work hours and almost no time with family—no problem.  The women would, in essence, become a single parent and pick up the slack for their husbands’ absences.  If the children wanted to be involved in countless activities, have their mother’s constant, undivided attention and limitless nurturance—by all means the women would become super moms and make that happen.  If their friends needed their help at the drop of the hat, again and again and again—no problem.  After all what are friends for, right?

The funny thing about working with all these women is they are often some of the kindest, most giving people you will ever meet.  They are also some of the most taken–advantage-of people I’ve met. 
•    The women with the traveling, workaholic husbands often come in heart-broken that their husbands have been having an on-going affair with a co-worker—while their wives keep the home life together so the husband can travel.
•    The “nurtured” children often boss “mom” around, talk disrespectfully and expect her to do what they want when they want.
•    Many of the women’s “friends” have a history of being very good at asking for help, yet not at all skilled at offering help.  The end result: the care-taking women end up giving and giving and giving, but receive very little in return (not only from friends, but from most people in their lives).

Here’s To The Abnormal Relationship And Setting The Bar Higher (Part II)

Recently I wrote about the first five characteristics or creating great relationships rather than “normal” ones.  Below is Part II of setting the bar higher and the remaining five of 10 characteristics of healthy relationships. Enjoy.

6.     Giving. Go out of your way now and then to do a kind act.  Take time to think about what the other person likes (not what you like) and that to them.  If they like to hear compliments—compliment; if they like to see actions—show them action; if they want you to listen better—tune in and listen.  Give them what you know they would love to receive rather than what you think they need.
7.     Mutuality.  Great relationships are about give and take.  There’s a natural rhythm of two people equally giving to the other.  In not so great relationships, it’s more common for one person to be the giver while the other person often takes.  Make sure you are neither the one always giving nor the one always taking.
8.    Personal Strength.  Cultivate the ability to set limits and hold your own in a relationship without squashing the other person in the process.  Being able to share your thoughts, ask for your needs and wants and to hold loved ones accountable for how they treat you are all imperative to great relationships.

Happy Holidays To All!

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season with much love, laughter and joyous times.  Throughout the holiday season remember to:

1. Appreciate what you have and don’t get lost in the things you don’t.
2. Remember that this season is a time for family.  Take the time to enjoy each other, be together and laugh!  Work can take a back seat for a little while—family should be your first priority and you should show that through your actions.  Pay attention to your partner, play with your children and BE PRESENT.
3. When you are feeling stressed, remember to breathe, slow down and keep things in
perspective.  Take things one thing at a time and slow down.  Don’t make things bigger than they are or need to be and trust that you will get through the stressful times in tact.
4. Treat loved ones lovingly, especially during the stressful times.  Don't take your stress out on them, even if you believe they are the ones causing it! Stay calm in the storm and don’t allow your anger to take away from the holiday.
5. Most of all...have a wonderful holiday season filled with joy, good health and much laughter!

Holiday Challenge:  Enjoy yourself and your family.  Have fun, sing, dance and laugh.  Make this holiday a happy, memorable time for you and your family.  Remember, that even the best gifts, can be ruined by an unhappy environment.  Creating a loving, fun environment is the best gift you can give to you and your family--don’t ever underestimate its worth. 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Here’s To The Abnormal Relationship And Setting The Bar Higher (Part I)

I often get asked what is “normal” in relationships; I don’t ever want to answer the  “normal” question.  I don’t like to answer this because I believe that the norm for couples is way below par.  It is way too common for couples to be yelling, cheating, acting selfish and in general acting anything but cherishing to their partners. 

I want to move away from “normal” as a goal for couples.  Striving for the average relationship is truly setting the bar way too low; you deserve better than normal—trust me.  How about we all strive for the abnormal when it comes to relationships.  Let’s all try to do things differently from the way most people are doing it.  Let’s try to truly create relationships that are loving, respectful and feel great to be in.  Shall we?

Here’s to the abnormal!  Below are the first five of 10 characteristics of healthy relationships.  I encourage you to work hard to incorporate each and every one of these into your closest relationships.
1.    Cherishing.  Genuinely treat your loved ones as though you cherish them—through your words and actions.  Be kind, compassionate, complimentary and understanding.
2.    Respectful.  Refuse to call your loved one a name, swear at them in anger or treat them with disrespect in any way at any time—even in anger.  If you mess up—repair it without excuses or justification.  Simply own your mistake, apologize and STOP doing it.  Speak to your loved ones as though they are close friends whom you greatly admire.
3.    Authentic.  Be honest.  Tell your truth with compassion and…tell it.  Without honesty there is no trust and without trust there is no healthy relationship.  Refuse to lie.  If there’s something you’re struggling to say, tell them you need to think about it and get back to them.  Do not justify your lies because of their expected reactions—set a limit on their reactions and control your lies.
4.    Affectionate.  There’s nothing like a pat on the back by a friend, an understanding hug from your partner or a high five from your teenager to let you know you matter.  Great relationships require some affection; they require warmth.  Be warm to those you love: squeeze their hand, ruffle their hair, give them a kiss, high five them, etc.  Show the love!
5.    Accountable.  Making mistakes is part of our humanity, however, it appears that owning these mistakes is not so much a part of humanity.  Learn to apologize, accept when you are wrong and then repair it.  Repair requires an apology, an action and due diligence to insure it does not keep happening.  The abnormally healthy relationships are high on accountability.

Creating healthy relationships requires that we be mindful of our actions rather than reactive.  Without being deliberate about how we show up in the world we are all destined to stay “normal” which is doing all of our relationships a true disservice.  Dare to soar past the norm and into great.

Challenge: Scan the relationships in your life and of those around you and honestly ask yourself how all of you are doing.  Look over these characteristics and pick the two that you are weakest in and focus on those.  Pay attention to any shifts that occur.

Addressing Jealousy From The Start

Over the years I’ve seen countless relationships entangled in the spider web of jealousy.  Jealousy can hit men and women of all ages and is often highly destructive and very difficult to live with.

Jealousy can initially show up as the other person wanting to spend a lot of time with you.  In the early stage of a relationship, it can seem very flattering for your partner to want to constantly be with you.  Soon, however, wanting to spend time with you turns into not wanting you to spend time with anyone else or wanting to know where you are all the time.  They may start calling/texting throughout the day to check up on you.  If you don’t answer, they may become angry, text or call non-stop until they get you a response or they might go out and find you in person.  At the extreme, a jealous partner may not want to let you out of their sight. 

Because jealousy can start off as flattering, some women aren’t aware of how bad it is until things become extreme.  The extremes of jealousy include control, intimidation, rage, abuse, threats and total lack of trust.  Living with someone who is highly jealousy can often feel like living in a prison; your every move is being monitored and weighed. 

What Are You Asking For? Is It Truly What You Want Or Is It What You Think You Will Get?

An interesting thing happens with countless women when it comes to asking for what they want.  Far too often they get stuck in the pattern of asking for what they think they’ll get rather than asking for what they truly want.  As you can imagine, this is creating a lot of struggles for far too many women. 

Here are a few examples of what I mean:
•    Susie says she would like to have a raise, but is certain her boss would say no.  She decides to wait until he brings the topic up and hopes he notices her hard work. 
•    Karen doesn’t want to sleep with the guy she’s dating until they have an agreement that each of them is exclusive.  She is highly doubtful that he would agree to that though, so she decides to stay quite, sleep with him and hope for the best. 
•    Janice wants to ask her 75-year-old father to stop calling her names when he gets angry.  She’s certain he’ll get angry at the request and won’t stop the name calling, so she decides to learn how to accept his anger. 

When women want something, we often filter our desire through the lens of whether or not we think we can or will get what we want.  If we think the other person would never give us what we really want to ask for, then we often change our request to something we think we have a better chance of getting.

When It Comes To Speaking, Less Is Often More

I often watch couples in my office struggle with the ripple effect caused by using a “wall of words.”  A wall of words is when a person speaks on and on about an issue, complaint, story, idea or piece of information to such a degree that they lose the attention of the person they are speaking with.  Women, in particular, struggle with using a wall of words.  As a result, the men in their lives end up tuning the women out.

Using a wall of words is not the same as discussing an issue, sharing feelings or having interesting conversations.  All of these actions are healthy forms of communication.  When women use a wall of words it can sound like nervous chatter, restating of the information again and again, random thoughts, belaboring a point and overall excessive talk.  Often the women are aware of this pattern, however have a difficult time controlling it.  If they are not aware of this habit, they often are aware of their partners tuning them out or not listening.

What I’m Thankful For

In honor of Thanksgiving I thought I’d make a list of the things I’m grateful for, find joy in or add to my life.  I encourage you to add to this list and/or create your own.

I’m thankful for countless joys in my life. Here are just some of the key ones I savor:
1.    Coming home each day to my husband and two children…and enjoying their company.
2.    Being greeted by our two dogs wagging their tails because they’re so excited to see me.
3.    The memory of the first time my son was able to reach up and hold my hand with his little hand and walk with me.
4.    The warm sun on my face.
5.    Countless sunsets on warm days on the ocean.
6.    Full belly laughter.
7.    My mother’s willingness to look at her mistakes and apologize.
8.    A great steak and potato dinner.
9.    My mom’s baked ziti.
10.    Watching my children play soccer.

What The Catholic Church And Penn State Tragedies Have In Common

I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to the tragedy at Penn State.  I cannot for a moment imagine the rage, anger and overwhelming sadness I would have had it been my son who was allegedly raped in a college shower stall by a grown man.  Add to that horrific life-altering assault, the fact that another grown man witnessed the rape and…told his father?  And his father advised his son—who just witnessed a 10-year-old boy being raped -- to tell a…football coach?!  Now mind you this football coach isn’t your average football coach—no way.  This football coach is the king of all college coaches...so he’ll know exactly what to do, right?  Wrong.  The horror unfortunately doesn’t end there, because the larger than life football coach then tells…his boss?  And so on, and so on, and so on…until one day, NINE years -- and who know how many victims -- later, the alleged perpetrator is officially charged with sexually abusing eight boys.

Hmmm, is this sounding familiar?  Does it sound like the tragedy that occurred over decades in the Catholic Church?  Here are just some of the similarities, as I see them:
1.    All the “players” in the Catholic Church and Penn State affairs are key men in key positions in their institutions. 
2.    In both situations, the “good ole boys” worked their butts off to protect…their own.  They were very loyal to…keeping “the secret.”  Their silence, cover-ups and minimal interventions allowed the sexual molestation to not only continue, but to thrive. 
3.    The silence, minimal interventions and passing on of the problem to other equally unprincipled men of power make each and every single one of these priests and men complicit in the rape and molestation of countless innocent children in our world.  Harming the reputations of their institutions is the least of their offenses.