Welcome to Straight Talk 4 Women!

Welcome to my new and improved Straight Talk 4 Women blog.  Although I enjoy writing both my blogs – Straight Talk on Relationships and Straight Talk 4 Women – and especially love hearing from you, the reader, on how I have helped you, I’ve felt overextended keeping up with both blogs, along with my practice and my family.  So, after countless business conversations, journal entries and ponderings I’ve decided to combine both blogs into one, which will be more focused and content rich. 

As my work has shifted more and more into working with women, I thought creating a second blog -- Straight Talk 4 Women -- would address this subject matter.  What I found instead was that sustaining two worthwhile blogs made it difficult for me to keep up with the posts in a way that I believe would be most beneficial to my readers.  I realized the challenge has served as a speed bump that has been slowing me down rather than assisting me in being more helpful to you.  

The truth is that, although I’ve been aware of this dilemma for some time, I have not wanted to let go of my original Straight Talk On Relationships blog.  I so appreciate my many loyal readers of this blog and found myself not wanting to upset my male readers.  When I slowed myself down to really think about this, I noticed that I was doing what many women I work with do -- I was sacrificing my own long term best interest because I didn’t want to upset the men or lose my male readers.  My first thought was “How female of me.” . 

I’ve recognize that I have postponed this much needed growth step for far too long and am therefore happy to announce that I will be transitioning my two blogs into one -- Straight Talk 4 Women.  I’m excited about this move and know it will help me to provide more quality and timely posts. 

So what does this mean to you?  It means I will be more focused in my writing and more freed up to create quality products that will help women and relationships.  My current readers do not need to do a thing other than continue to come visit and leave your comments as you always have.  To my male readers, I do hope you stay and continue to read and react to the posts.  Because you have women in your lives, I have no doubt that the posts will benefit you.  Some posts I write will not be gender-specific.  They’ll be for everyone because, of course, I won’t be able to help myself. 

I hope that you find this change to be positive and that you reap the benefits of my decision.  Thank you so much for your support along this journey.  I’m looking forward to traveling together and seeing where we end up!

Wishing everyone ROCKIN’ relationships that fuel you!
Lisa

Do Apologies Belong In Leadership?

As many people know, Corporate America can be an incredibly stressful culture in which to maneuver.  Today’s economy has only compounded this fact.  Leaders are stressed, employees are stretched to their limits and lay-offs are all too common in many companies.  As a result of these pressures, people’s humanity, and the always- changing demands of business, people are making mistakes.  Not surprisingly, some of these mistakes are being made by the leaders, managers and owners of companies.  Even those in charge are not infallible or perfect.

The fact that those in top positions in business, government and even the world make mistakes is not the problem—at least not to me.  It almost seems like a no-brainer that every human being in the world—regardless of age, income or position--will make mistakes.  Mistakes are simply a part of life and our humanity. 

Leaders, however, often think they should explain, rationalize or justify their mistakes instead of just owning the fact that they messed up.  It’s an interesting phenomenon to watch CEOs, politicians, etc., worm their way out of a poor choice.  Having the courage to own your mistakes and speak genuinely about them is a high-end leadership skill.  It requires self-reflection, empathy for others and accountability. 

These are the very skills that leaders strive to pull from their own employees.  Leaders demand that those they lead be accountable, know their strengths and work on their weaknesses and that they provide the kind of excellent customer service that requires empathy for the customer’s plight.  Why, then, do leaders not model what they ask their employees to master?  When leaders duck from taking responsibilities for their mistakes, they create a culture of ducking.  They show those they mentor that above a certain level you must pretend to be infallible even if you are not.  Leaders who dance around accountability as though it were a hidden landmine model characteristics that would harm any company.  The mistakes are not the most damaging aspect of business...the way those mistakes are handled often is. 

Resentment In Relationships: Are Others To Blame For Your Resentment?

Resentments creep up in relationships all the time.  You’re resentful that your partner works all the time.  You’re resentful that your boss gave your co-worker a raise, but not you.  You feel resentment at your parents for the way they raised you and now expect you to take care of them.  You’re resentful that your children take advantage of you…and on and on.

The truth is that resentments can grow at an absurd rate if you’re not careful.  I say if YOU are not careful…because YOU are the only one responsible for your resentments.  Your resentments are not the fault of other people. 

Take that in for a minute…your resentments are not because of other people or their behavior. 

I realize that when you read the above statements it may be a bit difficult to take in, and even more difficult to actually believe.  You may believe that your feeling resentful at someone is, in fact, because of the other person’s behavior and therefore your resentments are the other person’s fault.  You may also feel very righteous about this. 

Honesty In Business—Is It Wise?

Throughout the years I’ve heard horror stories about lay-offs, firings, restructuring, and so forth.  Some of the more common stories include:
•    Company lay-offs being discussed for months among top management, but denied for just as long to the employees.
•    Sudden restructurings that require placing employees out-of-state with virtually no warning,
•    Security guards escorting long-term employees off the premises immediately following their lay-off.
•    Refusing to give employees any advanced warning about possible layoffs out of fear they may begin to look for another job.

I have no doubt that many people have either experienced these happenings first hand, know of someone who has or have witnessed these occurring.  Anyone who has been in any of the above situations knows they are quite painful.  Working with a company for many years only to be escorted out of the building following a lay-off is one of the most non-relational practices around. 

Many companies keep lay-offs secret and require security escorts because they think they are protecting their company.  They believe that being honest about company lay-offs is unwise.  They also believe that allowing an employee to remain in the building unsupervised for any extended time could be unsafe. 

Companies couldn’t be further from the truth, in my opinion.  The idea that lying to your employees is a wise decision is, frankly, crazy.  Running a business through fear is a losing proposition.  I believe that treating long-time employees as though they are suddenly unsafe to the company actually creates an unsafe environment—it fosters anger, shame and resentment. 

When You Don’t Take Care Of You, Other’s Don’t Take Care Of You Either

Over the years, I’ve worked with countless women who have centered their entire lives around taking care of others.  If their husbands wanted to take a job that involved excessive traveling, crazy work hours and almost no time with family—no problem.  The women would, in essence, become a single parent and pick up the slack for their husbands’ absences.  If the children wanted to be involved in countless activities, have their mother’s constant, undivided attention and limitless nurturance—by all means the women would become super moms and make that happen.  If their friends needed their help at the drop of the hat, again and again and again—no problem.  After all what are friends for, right?

The funny thing about working with all these women is they are often some of the kindest, most giving people you will ever meet.  They are also some of the most taken–advantage-of people I’ve met. 
•    The women with the traveling, workaholic husbands often come in heart-broken that their husbands have been having an on-going affair with a co-worker—while their wives keep the home life together so the husband can travel.
•    The “nurtured” children often boss “mom” around, talk disrespectfully and expect her to do what they want when they want.
•    Many of the women’s “friends” have a history of being very good at asking for help, yet not at all skilled at offering help.  The end result: the care-taking women end up giving and giving and giving, but receive very little in return (not only from friends, but from most people in their lives).

Here’s To The Abnormal Relationship And Setting The Bar Higher (Part II)

Recently I wrote about the first five characteristics or creating great relationships rather than “normal” ones.  Below is Part II of setting the bar higher and the remaining five of 10 characteristics of healthy relationships. Enjoy.

6.     Giving. Go out of your way now and then to do a kind act.  Take time to think about what the other person likes (not what you like) and that to them.  If they like to hear compliments—compliment; if they like to see actions—show them action; if they want you to listen better—tune in and listen.  Give them what you know they would love to receive rather than what you think they need.
7.     Mutuality.  Great relationships are about give and take.  There’s a natural rhythm of two people equally giving to the other.  In not so great relationships, it’s more common for one person to be the giver while the other person often takes.  Make sure you are neither the one always giving nor the one always taking.
8.    Personal Strength.  Cultivate the ability to set limits and hold your own in a relationship without squashing the other person in the process.  Being able to share your thoughts, ask for your needs and wants and to hold loved ones accountable for how they treat you are all imperative to great relationships.

Happy Holidays To All!

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season with much love, laughter and joyous times.  Throughout the holiday season remember to:

1. Appreciate what you have and don’t get lost in the things you don’t.
2. Remember that this season is a time for family.  Take the time to enjoy each other, be together and laugh!  Work can take a back seat for a little while—family should be your first priority and you should show that through your actions.  Pay attention to your partner, play with your children and BE PRESENT.
3. When you are feeling stressed, remember to breathe, slow down and keep things in
perspective.  Take things one thing at a time and slow down.  Don’t make things bigger than they are or need to be and trust that you will get through the stressful times in tact.
4. Treat loved ones lovingly, especially during the stressful times.  Don't take your stress out on them, even if you believe they are the ones causing it! Stay calm in the storm and don’t allow your anger to take away from the holiday.
5. Most of all...have a wonderful holiday season filled with joy, good health and much laughter!

Holiday Challenge:  Enjoy yourself and your family.  Have fun, sing, dance and laugh.  Make this holiday a happy, memorable time for you and your family.  Remember, that even the best gifts, can be ruined by an unhappy environment.  Creating a loving, fun environment is the best gift you can give to you and your family--don’t ever underestimate its worth. 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Here’s To The Abnormal Relationship And Setting The Bar Higher (Part I)

I often get asked what is “normal” in relationships; I don’t ever want to answer the  “normal” question.  I don’t like to answer this because I believe that the norm for couples is way below par.  It is way too common for couples to be yelling, cheating, acting selfish and in general acting anything but cherishing to their partners. 

I want to move away from “normal” as a goal for couples.  Striving for the average relationship is truly setting the bar way too low; you deserve better than normal—trust me.  How about we all strive for the abnormal when it comes to relationships.  Let’s all try to do things differently from the way most people are doing it.  Let’s try to truly create relationships that are loving, respectful and feel great to be in.  Shall we?

Here’s to the abnormal!  Below are the first five of 10 characteristics of healthy relationships.  I encourage you to work hard to incorporate each and every one of these into your closest relationships.
1.    Cherishing.  Genuinely treat your loved ones as though you cherish them—through your words and actions.  Be kind, compassionate, complimentary and understanding.
2.    Respectful.  Refuse to call your loved one a name, swear at them in anger or treat them with disrespect in any way at any time—even in anger.  If you mess up—repair it without excuses or justification.  Simply own your mistake, apologize and STOP doing it.  Speak to your loved ones as though they are close friends whom you greatly admire.
3.    Authentic.  Be honest.  Tell your truth with compassion and…tell it.  Without honesty there is no trust and without trust there is no healthy relationship.  Refuse to lie.  If there’s something you’re struggling to say, tell them you need to think about it and get back to them.  Do not justify your lies because of their expected reactions—set a limit on their reactions and control your lies.
4.    Affectionate.  There’s nothing like a pat on the back by a friend, an understanding hug from your partner or a high five from your teenager to let you know you matter.  Great relationships require some affection; they require warmth.  Be warm to those you love: squeeze their hand, ruffle their hair, give them a kiss, high five them, etc.  Show the love!
5.    Accountable.  Making mistakes is part of our humanity, however, it appears that owning these mistakes is not so much a part of humanity.  Learn to apologize, accept when you are wrong and then repair it.  Repair requires an apology, an action and due diligence to insure it does not keep happening.  The abnormally healthy relationships are high on accountability.

Creating healthy relationships requires that we be mindful of our actions rather than reactive.  Without being deliberate about how we show up in the world we are all destined to stay “normal” which is doing all of our relationships a true disservice.  Dare to soar past the norm and into great.

Challenge: Scan the relationships in your life and of those around you and honestly ask yourself how all of you are doing.  Look over these characteristics and pick the two that you are weakest in and focus on those.  Pay attention to any shifts that occur.

Addressing Jealousy From The Start

Over the years I’ve seen countless relationships entangled in the spider web of jealousy.  Jealousy can hit men and women of all ages and is often highly destructive and very difficult to live with.

Jealousy can initially show up as the other person wanting to spend a lot of time with you.  In the early stage of a relationship, it can seem very flattering for your partner to want to constantly be with you.  Soon, however, wanting to spend time with you turns into not wanting you to spend time with anyone else or wanting to know where you are all the time.  They may start calling/texting throughout the day to check up on you.  If you don’t answer, they may become angry, text or call non-stop until they get you a response or they might go out and find you in person.  At the extreme, a jealous partner may not want to let you out of their sight. 

Because jealousy can start off as flattering, some women aren’t aware of how bad it is until things become extreme.  The extremes of jealousy include control, intimidation, rage, abuse, threats and total lack of trust.  Living with someone who is highly jealousy can often feel like living in a prison; your every move is being monitored and weighed. 

What Are You Asking For? Is It Truly What You Want Or Is It What You Think You Will Get?

An interesting thing happens with countless women when it comes to asking for what they want.  Far too often they get stuck in the pattern of asking for what they think they’ll get rather than asking for what they truly want.  As you can imagine, this is creating a lot of struggles for far too many women. 

Here are a few examples of what I mean:
•    Susie says she would like to have a raise, but is certain her boss would say no.  She decides to wait until he brings the topic up and hopes he notices her hard work. 
•    Karen doesn’t want to sleep with the guy she’s dating until they have an agreement that each of them is exclusive.  She is highly doubtful that he would agree to that though, so she decides to stay quite, sleep with him and hope for the best. 
•    Janice wants to ask her 75-year-old father to stop calling her names when he gets angry.  She’s certain he’ll get angry at the request and won’t stop the name calling, so she decides to learn how to accept his anger. 

When women want something, we often filter our desire through the lens of whether or not we think we can or will get what we want.  If we think the other person would never give us what we really want to ask for, then we often change our request to something we think we have a better chance of getting.

When It Comes To Speaking, Less Is Often More

I often watch couples in my office struggle with the ripple effect caused by using a “wall of words.”  A wall of words is when a person speaks on and on about an issue, complaint, story, idea or piece of information to such a degree that they lose the attention of the person they are speaking with.  Women, in particular, struggle with using a wall of words.  As a result, the men in their lives end up tuning the women out.

Using a wall of words is not the same as discussing an issue, sharing feelings or having interesting conversations.  All of these actions are healthy forms of communication.  When women use a wall of words it can sound like nervous chatter, restating of the information again and again, random thoughts, belaboring a point and overall excessive talk.  Often the women are aware of this pattern, however have a difficult time controlling it.  If they are not aware of this habit, they often are aware of their partners tuning them out or not listening.

What I’m Thankful For

In honor of Thanksgiving I thought I’d make a list of the things I’m grateful for, find joy in or add to my life.  I encourage you to add to this list and/or create your own.

I’m thankful for countless joys in my life. Here are just some of the key ones I savor:
1.    Coming home each day to my husband and two children…and enjoying their company.
2.    Being greeted by our two dogs wagging their tails because they’re so excited to see me.
3.    The memory of the first time my son was able to reach up and hold my hand with his little hand and walk with me.
4.    The warm sun on my face.
5.    Countless sunsets on warm days on the ocean.
6.    Full belly laughter.
7.    My mother’s willingness to look at her mistakes and apologize.
8.    A great steak and potato dinner.
9.    My mom’s baked ziti.
10.    Watching my children play soccer.

What The Catholic Church And Penn State Tragedies Have In Common

I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to the tragedy at Penn State.  I cannot for a moment imagine the rage, anger and overwhelming sadness I would have had it been my son who was allegedly raped in a college shower stall by a grown man.  Add to that horrific life-altering assault, the fact that another grown man witnessed the rape and…told his father?  And his father advised his son—who just witnessed a 10-year-old boy being raped -- to tell a…football coach?!  Now mind you this football coach isn’t your average football coach—no way.  This football coach is the king of all college coaches...so he’ll know exactly what to do, right?  Wrong.  The horror unfortunately doesn’t end there, because the larger than life football coach then tells…his boss?  And so on, and so on, and so on…until one day, NINE years -- and who know how many victims -- later, the alleged perpetrator is officially charged with sexually abusing eight boys.

Hmmm, is this sounding familiar?  Does it sound like the tragedy that occurred over decades in the Catholic Church?  Here are just some of the similarities, as I see them:
1.    All the “players” in the Catholic Church and Penn State affairs are key men in key positions in their institutions. 
2.    In both situations, the “good ole boys” worked their butts off to protect…their own.  They were very loyal to…keeping “the secret.”  Their silence, cover-ups and minimal interventions allowed the sexual molestation to not only continue, but to thrive. 
3.    The silence, minimal interventions and passing on of the problem to other equally unprincipled men of power make each and every single one of these priests and men complicit in the rape and molestation of countless innocent children in our world.  Harming the reputations of their institutions is the least of their offenses.

Taking The High Road: Revenge Is Seldom Worth It

It’s not at all uncommon for women (and people in general) to want to exact revenge on someone in their life who has “wronged” them.  If their husband had an affair, women often want to make him pay.  If they’re too scared of losing him as a result of their revenge or anger, they may try to make the “other woman” pay by calling her family up and informing them of the affair.  Some women may try to take every last penny they can get from their cheating spouse, make visiting the kids a near impossible feat or shout out from the rooftops what a louse this man is.  Revenge is often tempting in non-romantic relationships as well—in the workplace, between friends and among family members.

Countless people have revenge fantasies when they’ve been hurt, cheated or shamed.  The pain is often so intense that people don’t know what to do.  Because a woman often has an intense feeling of injustice and humiliation, she may want the other person to feel the pain she feels.  Sometimes this desire can consume her every waking thought and lead her to do things she never thought she’d do.  In the moment, she is certain that revenge will help relieve the pain.

Unfortunately, exacting revenge is often bittersweet.  Getting revenge may feel good for a moment, but that feeling seldom lasts.  When we try to hurt someone as they hurt us, we stoop to their level.  In our effort to get back at them, we end up hurting ourselves.  The “perpetrator” then ends up taking up more of our time and attention than they deserve.  Lowering our sense of integrity just to get even ends up chipping away a little part of us.  When we allow someone’s behavior to lead us to do something that we wouldn’t normally do, we give him or her too much power.  Why give them that power?

Women: Don’t Forget About YOU!

This week I’ve been at the Ali Brown SHINE Conference for Women Entrepreneurs.  It is amazing to see a room full of women entrepreneurs sharing ideas, encouraging big leaps and pulling for the best in one another.  It is a wonderful shift to see women thinking about themselves and trusting in themselves to bring their businesses to the next level.  Too many women, for far too long, have thought almost entirely about others—this shift to thinking about themselves—ourselves--is great to witness.

As I listen to woman after woman stand and tell her story of success, I’m struck by the difficulty so many women have with focusing on themselves.  Often women are focused on anything and anyone BUT themselves.  They’re busy taking care of the children, keeping the house tidy, cooking dinner, taking care of their husbands, fathers, mothers etc., and they forget about themselves.  When they do think of themselves, it’s often an afterthought. 

Women, we need to change this.  We cannot be an after thought in our lives.  We cannot sacrifice everything we have for everyone else and barely have ourselves be a part of that equation.  And if we are raising daughters—it’s even more paramount that we not do this.  Putting countless others before ones self, is toxic to ones self and to our daughters.  If we constantly put our needs second (or third or fourth), then we teach our daughters to do the same—even if our words say differently.

When women constantly put their needs last, it does not serve women or their families.  Women have to be able to care for themselves at least as well as they take care of others.  If they don’t, they and their families will pay for it.  When we continually put others ahead of ourselves, we get tired, run down and all too often, depressed.  We end up having little energy to give to anyone and even less for ourselves.

“Be The Person You Wish To Be In A Relationship With” LMB

Many people have heard Ghandi’s famous quote, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”  This quote has influenced my work with individuals and couples a great deal.  The adaptation I’ve made to this quote in my practice is, “Be the person you wish to be in a relationship with.”  Too often people are so busy trying to change their partner’s behavior that they forget to look at their own.

In relationships -- at work, home or out in the world -- it behooves each of us to act as we wish others would act with us.  If we want to have relationships that are honest, cherishing and respectful, then we’re responsible for being honest, cherishing and respectful.  Sometimes, in our upset, we forget that we are still responsible for our actions.  Likewise, we can forget that our partner also deserves a caring, loving partner just as we do.  We can get so focused on what we want that we forget that we’re responsible for giving, too.  We are each responsible for asking for what we want and for giving what we wish to get.  Missing either aspect of this requirement will negatively impact our relationships.

This concept is true across the board in all of our relationships.  In parenting, if you don’t want your children to yell and be disrespectful to you, then don’t you yell and be disrespectful to them.  If at work, you want your co-workers to give you space to talk at meetings and honor your ideas, then you should give them room to speak and honor their ideas.  In romance, if you want your partner to share, talk respectfully and treat you with high regard, then you must do the same.  If you don’t have the desire, energy, or patience to behave with others as you are asking them to behave with you, then don’t ask it of them. 

If you choose to not give it—you don’t have the right to ask for it. 

It’s time to shift your focus from analyzing the behaviors of others to looking at your own.  Pay attention to the way you behave in relationships and work to become the person you wish to work for, live with or be friends with.  When you’re clean on your end and behaving the way you want others to behave, you will be on stronger footing to create change.  Get yourself in check before you start trying to get everyone else in check.

Challenge: Take a moment and look at the way you are in your relationships across the board.  Honestly ask yourself if you would want to have you as a boss or friend, parent or lover?  If there’s a relationship you struggle with, look at your part in that struggle.  Would you want to be with you?