Straight Talk On Relationships

VACATIONS AND "UNPLUGGING": BEING PRESENT FOR YOUR FAMILY

Because I am on vacation this week, I've decided to re-post this blog post as a reminder to myself and others who struggle with the necessity of unplugging from technology and plugging into family.  Enjoy...

As I was packing for vacation with my family I turned to my husband and said, "I think I have to take my computer with me...I don't have enough posts for the week!"  My husband gently reminded me that my blog was all about the art of being relational and that unplugging while on vacation with family is a key componant of that.  He then coyly asked, "Don't you think your readers want to know that you're walking the walk yourself?"

So I have seen the light:-).  I will be going on vacation and yes, I will indeed be unplugging.  No e-mails, no work calls, no posting...NADA!  I've committed to being on vacation and fully present with my family both physically and emotionally.  I figure this is one of the most relational gifts I can give them--and me this vacation.

Now I'd like to say this will be easy and I have no concerns, however, that wouldn't be completely honest.  I'm quite aware that whenever I give my attention to one area, I take away from another area.  Taking my attention away from work will impact my re-entry into work when I return.  It's likely that I will have countless e-mails to answer upon my return, numerous phone messages to return, and at least a day or two of catch up.  I'm also aware however, that my children and husband deserve to truly have me present.  I  also deserve to be truly present and enjoy a week of fun, sun (yes sun!!!!), and silly laughter with the greates gift I have been given--an amazing family.

ENABLING IS OFTEN TOXIC TO RELATIONSHIPS

Enabling:  to provide somebody with the resources, authority, or opportunity to do something.
-Encarta Dictionary

Enabling is a term used to describe behaviors that allow other behaviors to continue.  It’s often used in the addiction world to describe the endless ways a non-addict partner enables or assists the addict’s addiction.  Enabling behaviors can include: putting the addict to bed after s/he passes out on the floor, calling in sick for the addict because s/he is too hung-over to go to work or paying the court costs for an alcoholic’s DUI. 

In essence, enabling softens the blow of the natural consequences of behaviors.  Subsequently, the person behaving badly doesn’t feel the sting of his/her mistakes.  Without the sting, the behavior continues undaunted and often escalates.

Enabling occurs everywhere, not just in the world of addictions.  Parents, teachers, politicians, churches, bosses and friends have all been known to enable unhealthy behaviors.  Some examples include:

SAYING YES TO SEX, OUT OF OBLIGATION OR TO AVOID A REACTION FROM YOUR PARTNER, IS NOT A YES; NOR IS IT GOOD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Over the years I can’t tell you how many women I’ve worked with who’ve talked about their decision to say yes to their husband’s advances simply to avoid his upset, pressure, anger or pouting.  Some believe they are obligated to provide sex to their husband as the wife; they give in because it is their duty (This is also true in non-marital relationships).

The bottom-line: many women are saying yes to sex because of their sense of obligation and/or fear of their partner’s reaction to a “no” 

Terry Real, my long-time mentor, calls this being a “sex slave”.  If you believe you do not have the right to say no, then your “yes” is not a “yes”.  As you can imagine, being a sex slave will erode sexual desire. 

WHEN THE UNIVERSE SPEAKS—LISTEN: STRAIGHT TALK LIVE CALLS

Several months ago I decided to start up free monthly call-in sessions for my readers.  I get many e-mails from readers asking for advice throughout the month.  Unfortunately I cannot reply to everyone, so I thought I’d offer a free call in which readers could ask me their questions live.  Sounds good, right? 

I moved forward on this idea and had a virtual assistant set the entire call up for me. 

On the day of the first call, I realized the information was correct in one of the auto-responders, but had not been corrected in the second auto-responder.  Result: frustrated callers. 

I went back to the virtual assistant to correct all the information—which she assured me had been done—and I tried again a second month.  But apparently it had not been corrected correctly. 

Call number two -- just as frustrating as the first one.

BRING YOUR BEST SELF INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP--EVEN IN TOUGH TIMES

Why is it that so many people bring their best selves into their relationships with anybody and everybody except their partners?  They’re funny with their friends, on top of things at work, loving to their children…and cranky, lazy, distant and serious with their partners.

Busy schedules, long days, small disagreements, snappy comments...and before you know it, you’re both a little annoyed.  If you don’t deal with the annoyance, it grows.  One annoyance then builds upon another and another, until the laughter quiets, the affection diminishes and the playfulness stops.

Soon, either one or both of you stop being the person you were when you met.  Sometimes you’re not aware of this until it’s too late.

BACKLASH TO PROTECTING YOUR MARRAIGE FROM AFFAIRS POST: NO ONE-ON-ONE IS A BIT EXTREME...Isn't it?

Obviously my post on Making Your Relationship An Affair-Free Zone has struck a chord.

L.Knowlan commented:

"This is the most narrow-minded old-paradigm advice I have read in a while.  This puts so much pressure on the spouse / partner to be everything that most relationships will be doomed to failure.  If you aren't secure enough in your commitment to have other friends of the opposite sex, then perhaps you shouldn't be married."

CHAIR22202 wrote: "...That's plain insecurity speaking! A relationship is either working or not working...”

Perhaps I should have been clearer:  Having an occasional lunch, cup of coffee or the like with a person of the opposite sex is fine.  However, the key word here is occasional.  Occasional does not mean every other week or even once a month.  This should be the exception and not the rule.

Is this insecurity speaking?  Ask the thousands of people who've had affairs how they started.  It is a myth that affairs happen only in couples that are unhappy.  Again, ask the people who've had them if all of them were unhappy in their marriages.  Although many would say yes, many others would say no.  Some affairs happen because the right set of circumstances developed between the right set of people--neither of whom were protecting their relationships from the possibility of an affair; they didn't think they had too!

RELATIONSHIPS AND ANGER: WHEN IS IT OKAY TO YELL OR SPEAK HARSHLY?

At times I’m taken aback by how many people -- men and women alike -- believe that it’s okay to speak harshly or yell at others in anger.  I’ve even had clients call me “one of those frickin’ feminists” when I stated it wasn’t okay to swear at their wives.  Sadly, they are not alone in this belief.

Many men and women believe that yelling, swearing and/or speaking severely to their child, co-worker, lover or spouse is a part of relationships.  They believe that harsh speaking is warranted at times and often understandable. 

While they justify their callousness, the people caught in their cross-fire cringe.  

ANOTHER LESSON FROM THE DALAI LAMA: A DIFFERENT VIEW

As I was listening to the Dalai Lama a few weeks ago, I was struck by how much he projected love, joy and a child-like playfulness.  He appeared to be centered, calm and…well, happy.  It struck me because I don’t see that very often, in my work or in life. 

One of his life rules (my words), which is paramount to his happiness is:  When bad things happen or we find ourselves in a difficult or painful situation, remember to look at the situation from a different view.  We often get so caught up in our pain and upset that it becomes the only thing we see.  Consequently, we often miss the gift.

The example the Dalai Lama gave was the loss of Tibet.  He stated that although that was a very painful experience, it also resulted in many rewarding and life-changing opportunities.  The loss of Tibet led to his travel all over the world, his ability to speak to thousands of people on behalf of his people and his beliefs and it led to many, many other opportunities that he would not have been able to otherwise have. 

VOTE FOR BEST COACHING BLOG CONTEST

Hello fellow readers,

I just entered a best coaching blog contest and could use your support. If you enjoy my blog...please go to  http://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/best-coaching-blogs-2009  and vote for my Straight Talk On Relationships Blog.  Be sure to click the UP arrow.

Thanks so much for your support!

Warmly,

Lisa 

MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AN AFFAIR-FREE ZONE

I continually get couples into my office following an affair, in the midst of an affair, on the brink of an affair or in the early stages of a potential affair.

These affairs or potential affairs are…killing marriages.

Those of us in committed relationships need to stop playing with fire.  If we play with fire enough, eventually we will get burned.  Here are four ways that people in committed relationships play with potential affair fires:

1. They go out, alone, with a person of the opposite sex (or same sex if you’re gay).  “Going out” does not just refer to a date or to dinner.  It can also include: breakfast, a cup of coffee, a drink, dinner or a snack.  The bottom line is -- when you go out individually with someone of the opposite sex (who is not a blood relative), you are opening yourself up for potential feelings, friendships and attractions.  It’s best to avoid this risk whenever possible.  Bottom Line:  going out one-on-one with a person of the opposite sex is a BAD idea. (NOTE:  The occasional meeting is fine...but I mean occasional.  It should be the exception not the rule).

“I AM WHO I AM—TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME”…A DANGEROUS ATTITUDE IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

I’ve heard the sentiment take-me-or-leave-me thrown around a lot in relationships:


• Joe says, “I’m not a people person.  She knew that when she met me.  I never liked to talk.”

• Jane says, “I’m Italian and Italians are passionate.  So what if I get a little intense, that’s who I am.
• Tom says, “Damn right I’m going to raise my voice when I’m mad.  That’s just something she’s going to have to deal with.  I’m not going to be one of those pansies who always try to talk things out.  That’s just not who I am.”

It’s as though we disconnect ourselves behind a huge shield of dysfunctional armor.  Where in the world did we get this notion that we can act however the heck we want to act and people just have to deal with us?  That is an absolutely nutty notion.  I don’t care if you’re a hot head, Italian, Mexican, Caucasian, an introvert, a snob, socially inept or (fill in the blank)…the bottom line is:  If you’re going to live your life by the notion of take-me-or leave-me…you’re likely to get left.  AND...rightly so.

RELATIONSHIP BLINDERS: DARE TO SEE WHAT YOU SEE

 “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
Maya Angelou

While reading Pam Slim’s new book, Escape From Cubicle Nation (a great book, by the way), I came across this Maya Angelou quote.  The quote hit a chord in me regarding my work with women and relationships.  I single out women, because it’s my experience that women struggle with blinders on an entirely different scale from men.

Women often fail, or refuse to see, the person right in front of them—even when that person is wearing a neon sign.  For example, they’ll be drawn to a man who is known to be a “player,” yet become shocked when he ends up “playing” with someone else.  It’s an interesting thing we women do -- we see the issue, but we don’t think that issue will apply to us.  It’s crazy, I know, but that’s what we do.  We think we can change him or wow him, or we cloud our lens enough to make his issue go away.  We are then shocked when the issue shows up again. 

RELATIONSHIP TAKE-AWAY FROM THE DALAI LAMA: SUFFERING IS CAUSED BY DELUSION AND ATTACHMENT

I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to listen to the Dalai Lama recently.  He was funny, grounded and full of wisdom.  From a relationship standpoint, I was struck by his comment that all suffering is caused by delusion and attachment.  As I played with the way this concept applies to relationships, it really started to make sense.

People are often deluded into thinking they’re not worthy, not good enough or not deserving.  This delusion leads people to “take” all sorts of things they shouldn’t be taking: abuse, lies, contempt, addiction, etc.  When we are deluded into thinking we’re not worthy, we begin to feel bad about ourselves.  This feeling permeates our reality and stays with us like a gray cloud.  We begin to think less of ourselves, which sets us up to expect less from others.  This reduced expectation results in our receiving less.

When this delusion is combined with attachment, it’s the final nail in the coffin for relationships.  With respect to relationships, we are often attached to them working well.  We want to be liked.  We want a family.  We want someone to love us.  We don’t want to be alone.  We can have an endless number of attachments in terms of relationships.  When these attachments go beyond a “like” and into a desperate wanting, our relationships are in trouble.

RELATIONSHIP PAY IT FORWARD: ONE ACT OF KINDNESS CAN SET IN MOTION A RIPPLE EFFECT OF KINDNESS TO THOSE AROUND YOU

Too often we get caught up in the doom and gloom of those around us.  Have you ever noticed how you can be in a perfectly good mood and BAM -- all of a sudden someone comes into your space who’s grumpy, irritable or mean-spirited and suddenly your good mood has vanished?  It can truly wreck your day if you’re not on top of your game.

We forget, however, that this phenomenon can just as easily work the opposite way.  If we’re in a bad space and someone meets us with loving kindness, it can turn our day around.  Whether that someone is a stranger, child, partner or friend is irrelevant.  The power is in the act.

When we give love and kindness, it comes back to us tenfold.  Giving often feels as good as—if not better than—receiving.  One kind act can change a person’s day, including your own.  When we take the time to get out of our angry position, overwhelmed state or our stubborn adherence to an unflattering view of our partner, we leave room for kindness.  When we let go of the negativity—even for a moment—we breathe life and hope back into our relationship.

THE PRESENT IS PERFECT: LOOKING FOR THE GIFTS IN THE MOST DIFFICULT OF TIMES

I remember first hearing the concept the present is perfect when I started taking coaching courses.  Initially, although I understood the concept in theory, I certainly was not practicing it in real life.  In fact, I remember being really excited about taking a class on it.  When I couldn’t dial into the class call I was very frustrated.  I kept re-dialing the number, sighing, checking and rechecking the number, more sighing, muttering frustrations and on and on.  After ten minutes of this, I finally decided to let it go.  As soon as I calmed myself, I remembered the purpose of the call…the present is perfect.  I realized there must be a reason I wasn’t getting on the call.  I settled into that thought and used the time to get things done that I hadn’t had time to do.  The following week I found out the call didn’t happen due to a problem with the bridge line.

This moment was a great teaching moment for me.  I finally got it.  Things happen for a reason and if we slow ourselves down long enough to tune in, we often will see what that reason is.