Main

7 posts from August 2006

August 30, 2006

TAKING THE HIGHER GROUND IN RELATIONSHIPS

I cannot tell you how many times people point fingers at their partner’s behaviors and minimize their own. They may take a slight glance or a minimal peak at their part however, what they really have their eyes on is what their partner’s are doing.

Inevitably they are convinced that what their partner is doing is grotesquely worse than what they are doing. I’m here to tell you that, while at times that is the case, often it is not. Often our stuff is just as dysfunctional, irrational, non-relational etc., as our partner’s. It just is.

But let’s say, for the sake of argument that we aren’t as “messed up” as our partner. In fact, let’s say that we are the most amazingly functional people in the world…who just happen to become non-relational in response to our crazy, relationally inept partners. Does that make our behaviors okay? Can we then call our partners a loser just because we think s/he acts like one? Is it okay for us to yell at our partners because they don’t follow through with anything? Are we justified in swearing at our partners when they swear at us?

Continue reading "TAKING THE HIGHER GROUND IN RELATIONSHIPS" »

August 25, 2006

A NOTE TO MEN

Okay, I know that it is not uncommon for men to stare or make comments about women’s looks/body parts. I must say, however, that part of me that thought this was more often done by a certain type of man—crude and the stereo-typical “man’s-man”. I know, call me naïve, but…that’s what I thought (or hoped).

So imagine my surprise when a “good guy” begins to tell me how he and his friends bring binoculars to the Red Sox games to stare at women’s breasts. He went on to say that when they have their digital cameras they zoom in on a particularly good-looking woman, take pictures of her body parts and then show each other. They all make their off-color comments then they’re off taking shots of the next unsuspecting woman. He was quick to add that they, of course, erase these pictures from the camera right after and would never think of keeping them (probably because they don’t want their wives to know?).

As an afterthought, he stated how it’s too bad that so many of the females with nice bodies are thirteen or so. He admitted that it doesn’t feel good to find out the girl was too young...but, he went on, ”We all know that as women get older everything begins to droop”.

Continue reading "A NOTE TO MEN " »

August 21, 2006

RELATIONSHIP INTEGRITY…EVEN IN LAS VEGAS

I was driving on the highway in Colorado this summer when I saw a billboard that said,

“We __________the whole time. “
Plan your alibi ahead of time in Las Vegas.

(Note: While the wording may not be exact…you get the gist)

After I got over the initial shock of the blatancy of this sign, I found myself feeling angry. I turned to my husband, read the sign, and lovingly  said, “What the he#* is that?” He could see where this was going so he quietly sat while I vented… “So if a person has an alibi does that make it alright that s/he just slept with a prostitute, had a “massage”, had a one night stand, lost the house from gambling, or got so trashed that s/he doesn’t remember a thing? Well, does it? That’s nuts! Not only that, it is entirely irresponsible to put that junk (not exactly the word I used at the time but you get the idea) on a billboard for everyone to read.”

Relationships are difficult enough without having billboards encouraging acting out. Are we really that naïve to think that anything goes as long as we don’t get caught? Do we think that affairs only hurt when a spouse finds out? Do people really buy this whole notion that “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”?

Continue reading "RELATIONSHIP INTEGRITY…EVEN IN LAS VEGAS" »

August 14, 2006

TEN TOUCHSTONES TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONG IN THE EVERYDAY COMMOTION OF LIFE

1. Give your partner a hug every day. Give a hug hello, good-bye or good-night or anytime in
between. Make it longer than five seconds.
2. Talk to your partner un-interrupted everyday after work or after the children are in bed. This
doesn’t have to be a long, deep conversation.—just a chance to update and check–in. You
can’t be connected if you don’t’ know what’s going on in each other’s life.
3. Block off some couples time every week. If you can manage a date, great. If not, then after
the children are in bed, shut the t.v. off, talk, play a game, joke around…connect. Twice a
month schedule a date night and get out together.
4. Before falling asleep, snuggle—for connection, not for sex. If every time a couple snuggles
one partner comments about or tries to initiate sex, often the other partner will just stop
snuggling.
5. Set limits around work. Create a work free time zone that both partners honor. During that
time no one is working (i.e. no work after 8:00pm).

Continue reading "TEN TOUCHSTONES TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONG IN THE EVERYDAY COMMOTION OF LIFE" »

August 10, 2006

LAW OF ATTRACTION

I was watching the Kids’ Choice Awards one night and Will Smith made a comment to the kids that they will become like the kids they hang out with (my interpretation of his comment). In coaching, this phenomenon is called the Law of Attraction: we attract what we put out.

How many criminals do you know who hang around law-abiding citizens? How many financially successful individuals hang around with those in the lowest economic level? How many drug addicts hang around with people who live a nutritionally and relationally healthy lifestyle? Although there are some exceptions, the answer to all of these questions is a resounding: not many.

Why? Because we attract people who are similar to us.

If we play small, chances are our friends also play small. We are who we hang around with. I have found that as we get healthier, our bar for friendships and partnerships gets raised.

Continue reading "LAW OF ATTRACTION" »

August 06, 2006

DO NOT SPEAK ILL OF OTHERS--IT REFLECTS POORLY ON YOU (CORNERSTONE 9)

If you have a problem with someone, go to the source. If you have nothing else to talk about, make it a point to read up on current events or talk about your own life.

Gossiping is a way of keeping distance. If we are talking about someone else, we’re not sharing about ourselves. In many ways gossiping is a great way to stay safe while also feeling like we’re “in”. We can talk about someone else, laugh, joke, be liked and all the while never be vulnerable…what a great trick!

In particular I’m talking about negative gossip. Negative gossip is spreading hurtful news about someone, talking badly about someone behind his/her back, speaking with contempt about others, ridiculing or laughing at someone, and/or saying something behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t dare say to his/her face.

I believe that people often struggle with gossiping when they are not in a comfortable situation or they are so angry at a person that instead of going to that person to talk about what happened, they "vent" to others. For example, when I’m talking to someone I’m just getting to know or if I’m in a group of people who know each other better than I do, I struggle more to be in integrity in this area. Similarly, if I’m talking to someone who’s going off on a person, I may struggle to set limits because I don’t want the person to feel bad if I don’t participate in the gossiping or if I stopped the conversation.

Continue reading "DO NOT SPEAK ILL OF OTHERS--IT REFLECTS POORLY ON YOU (CORNERSTONE 9)" »

August 01, 2006

BOUNDARIES (PART II)

A few posts ago I wrote about the protective aspect of boundaries. The second part of your boundary is the containing part. Your containing boundary helps to contain your reactions and responses to people and situations. Its key job is to protect others and the world from you.

The containing part of your boundary is the part that keeps your stuff in. It helps you to handle your anger, frustration, and negative intensity in a relational way. It keeps you from harming another individual with your words, actions, energy or threats.

When we become angry, our containing boundary serves as a beacon for us to proceed with caution. It lets us know when we are about to cross the line and it pulls us back…if it’s a healthy containing boundary. If we do not have a healthy containing boundary then we are likely to be uncontained and subsequently violate other peoples’ boundaries.

If we call someone names, shame, ridicule, swear or yell at them, we are violating their boundaries. Telling someone what they are or are not thinking or feeling is also a boundary violation. It is not our place to decide what someone is truly thinking or feeling. Although we may think we know, we are not in that person’s head. We can only assume at best. In addition if we break promises, lie to, or put our hands on another person in anger, we are also violating their boundaries.

Continue reading "BOUNDARIES (PART II)" »

Connect with Lisa

Icon Email

Icon Twitter

Icon Facebook

Icon Linkedin

Icon YouTube

Icon Blog Feed

Subscribe to Straight Talk 4 Women

Enter your email address to receive
updates every time I post


Powered by FeedBlitz

Listen to Podcasts

Purchase Products

Attend an Event

Training for Therapists