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7 posts from October 2006

October 31, 2006

Checking in

I do apologize for not posting too much recently. I will be off line for a little while due to my father's illness. I am learning alot from this experience and will share my insights when I am able.
Warm regards to all- Lisa

October 28, 2006

THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE...Cherish your loved ones now--tomorrow may never come

As I sit in my father's hospital room I'm struck by how fast everything is happening. Although he has had a progressive illness for several years, he's been fairly strong and healthy. A part of me thought he'd be around another several years.

Last week that began to change. He fell, was in the hospital, and was transferred to rehab for a few days. As of Monday night it seemed he was going to be okay but I decided to fly in to see him. Upon my arrival, I was told he cannot eat without a feeding tube. He refused the feeding tube. We brought him home yesterday with hospice care.

My daughter had said to me several months ago that she really wanted to see "Nono" one more time before he died. I thought we had at least a year or two. Our family had planned to visit this Thanksgiving.

Continue reading "THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE...Cherish your loved ones now--tomorrow may never come" »

October 20, 2006

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

This post is a very difficult one for me to write because it’s contrary to the standard message around abuse. So…before you read this post, if you are in, or have ever been in, an abusive relationship (either verbally or physically), please use your boundaries while reading this.

Let me start by saying that I don’t believe anyone causes their partner to hit, swear at, threaten, shame, or hurt them in anyway…that choice is made solely by the perpetrator of the abuse. And yes, I do believe it’s a conscious choice that a partner makes to be abusive.

That said…although I don’t believe one partner causes another partner to be abusive; I do believe the partner who is being abused plays a huge role in the continuation of that abuse…

When individuals are being abused by a loved one and don’t stop it, they, by default, keep it going. In psychological terms, they enable their partner to be abusive. If someone doesn’t stop abuse, then they are allowing it to continue. Abuse cannot go on and on if there’s not a body to abuse.

Continue reading "ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS" »

October 15, 2006

WHAT WE ALL DESERVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

Below is a list of the basic rights we all have in our close relationships. If you are a human being you have the right to:

1. Be treated well. The minimum of being treated well is to be treated with respect. No one has the right to call us names, demean, belittle or shame us. No one has the right to lie to us, hurt us in anger either physically or emotionally, or to treat us with contempt…ever.
2. Be supported in our dreams and in our struggles. Loving partners support each other’s growth; they do not hold each other back. When we’re struggling, we have the right to be nurtured rather than shamed and helped rather than kept down.
3. Be listened to. We each have the right to have our concerns validated and not dismissed, minimized, turned around on us, or discounted in any way.
4. Have a partner who is accountable, owns his/her mistakes, apologizes when warranted and repairs with an open heart. Each and every one of us deserves to have a partner who is not afraid to own his/her human-ness. It’s vital for any relationship that partners admit when they are wrong, apologize, and commit to not do it again.
5. Be loved and cherished. Love should be felt, not wondered about. We deserve to have our loved ones show us they love us with their words, actions and behaviors.

Note: The loved ones in our lives also deserve all of the above from us…and others.

Challenge: Look at this list and examine the relationships in your life. Are the relationships in your life giving you what you deserve? If not, choose one of these and take steps to start cleaning up your relationships…it will be one of the greatest acts of self care you can do for yourself.

October 09, 2006

SAFE-GAURDING YOUR RELATIONSHIP FROM AFFAIRS: Are you in a committed relationship yet sending out signals that you’re still available?

I’ve worked with many couples whose relationships have been impacted by affairs. Nine times out of ten the person having the affair says s/he wasn’t looking for it to happen. The problem is s/he also wasn’t safe guarding from it happening.

On the extreme, I’ve watched individuals who send a thousand signals out to the world that they’re available. They flirt voraciously with anyone in their presence, they are very touchy, they make suggestive comments constantly, and you can spot them a mile away. Individuals on this level are often trying to fuel their self esteem through love and sex. If they are getting attention, they feel good, if they are not, they don’t.

More often however, are the individuals who are just unconscious. They don’t go out looking for an affair and in fact, they have given affairs little, if any, thought. So if they find themselves in one, they often say “it just happened”.

Seldom, in my experience, do affairs “just happen”. Often there are several indicators that an affair is likely to happen (even if it’s a one-night stand). Some of these indicators include: an attraction, an increase in communication, “innocent” flirting, increased sharing of more personal issues…and that’s just the beginning. By the time the affair actually happens there were so many warning signs that you’d have to be in a coma to miss them.

Continue reading "SAFE-GAURDING YOUR RELATIONSHIP FROM AFFAIRS: Are you in a committed relationship yet sending out signals that you’re still available? " »

October 04, 2006

CONFLICTS IN RELATIONSHIPS: Controlling the need to be right.

I’ve come across so many instances of people being right lately, that I've been compelled to write about it. Unfortunately, this also happens to be a place where I can certainly go myself, so I know this one first hand.

Being right entails a gathering of evidence, an explanation of facts, and often an air of superiority. The person is on a mission to prove his/her point, and will try to bring in evidence, other people, and whatever else is necessary, to show the other person the “truth” or the way things “really” are.

My mentor, Terrence Real, has a saying he shares with couples who struggle with the urge to be right. He tells them, “You can be right or you can be married. Which is more important to you?”

Continue reading "CONFLICTS IN RELATIONSHIPS: Controlling the need to be right. " »

October 02, 2006

ANGER IN THE FAMILY: Is rage a problem in your home?

I continue to see rage impacting more families than I care to report. I see it in many families I work with, as well as in families I know personally. In all the families, it takes its toll.

Some people however, wouldn’t call what’s going on in their homes “rage”. In order for us to change things, we have to be aware that it’s going on. So with that in mind, below is a list of red flags that indicate rage might be a part of your family too.

• Either you or your partner lose your temper very quickly (i.e. go from 0-60 in response to something you don’t like). When you become angry you yell, scream, swear, threaten, or berate the person you’re angry with. If you’re extremely angry you may throw things, slam doors, punch a wall or otherwise escalate.
• Either you or your partner has been spoken to about their anger and the impact of it on others in the home (i.e. the children). It is not uncommon for the partner of a rager to inform their partner that their anger is a problem, that the children are fearful of him/her, or that they should seek help to address this.

Continue reading "ANGER IN THE FAMILY: Is rage a problem in your home?" »

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