Main

6 posts from June 2007

June 27, 2007

REVENGE AND RELATIONSHIPS; A DANGEROUS MIX

Revenge can be a very powerful emotion that leads people to do extreme things. Wars have been started, lovers have been killed, affairs have been had, and relationships have been destroyed—all in the name of revenge.

Revenge can take many forms including:
• Treating your partner poorly and justifying this behavior because s/he treated you poorly for years.
• Having an affair because your partner had one also or because your partner doesn’t pay attention to you anyway.
• Harming your partner or his/her lover either physically or emotionally due to an affair.
• Giving your partner the cold shoulder because s/he doesn’t share enough or is distant.
• Going to a cut-throat attorney for the divorce (in order to make your partner regret s/he was even thinking about a divorce!).
• Being determined to keep the children away from your partner, not because s/he is a danger, but because you are making your parent pay for what s/he has done to you

The funny thing about revenge is that, in the moment, it often feels powerful, justified, and satisfying. These feelings however, soon turn into regret, sadness, shame, and guilt. Unfortunately, by this time the pieces have already been shattered and the damage has been done. The revenge is bitter sweet.

Continue reading "REVENGE AND RELATIONSHIPS; A DANGEROUS MIX" »

June 23, 2007

CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Relationship Principle: The closer people are to me, the higher my expectations for treatment will be.

I’ve always found it interesting that so many people accept the worst treatment, not from strangers and acquaintances, but from the people closest to them. I’ve seen men and women alike, set very healthy limits with strangers yet accept the most outrageous behaviors from their loved ones.

Some people would never allow a stranger to hit them without having that person arrested or charged with assault, yet when it comes to their partner pushing them or even breaking their nose, they do nothing. If an acquaintance calls them an idiot, they will be offended and set a stern limit, yet when their partner does the same, they shrug it off and say nothing. This also happens in reverse: some people can’t imagine swearing at an acquaintance; yet swearing at their partner is just a part of life.

Although there are many reasons this happens, and I don’t want to minimize all the dynamics that go into this phenomenon (especially domestic violence), the bottom line is: too many people accept too many behaviors that should be, and are, totally unacceptable.

What’s wrong with this picture? It’s as though we have it all backwards.

Continue reading "CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS" »

June 15, 2007

THE ART OF LISTENING IN HEALTHY COUPLES: ARE YOU A SAFE LISTENER?

Being a safe listener is necessary for true intimacy to occur. One way to think of intimacy is “Into–me-you-see”; it is the sharing of two individuals about themselves. If one or both partners use what is shared, against the other person, it’s not safe to share. If it’s not safe to share, intimacy is blocked.

Many couples get tripped up around listening. They get caught in trying to defend their position, prove their point, turn the tables on their partner, and a host of other non-helpful behaviors. Poor listening has lead to many arguments, hurt feelings, frustrations, and very “cool” nights.

In order to listen safely there are a few necessary ground rules to live by:

• Things spoken in private stay private. If your partner shares something that is particularly personal, sensitive, or touchy for him/her, it is your job to protect that information and hold it close to your chest. Feel privileged that s/he shared it and honor your partner’s privacy regarding that information.

Continue reading "THE ART OF LISTENING IN HEALTHY COUPLES: ARE YOU A SAFE LISTENER?" »

June 11, 2007

SPEAKING SAFELY: COMMUNICATION AND COUPLES

Speaking and listening safely is paramount in relationships. Let’s take speaking first. Are you a “safe” speaker? Seems like an odd question, I’m sure; however, I believe many couples do not communicate in a safe fashion.

The Encarta Dictionary defines “safe” as:
1. Unlikely to cause or result in harm, injury, or damage
2. In a position or situation that offers protection, so that harm, damage, loss, or unwanted tampering is unlikely

When you are speaking to your partner (or children, friends, co-workers, etc.), do you protect them from harm, damage, or injury—from you? I believe that many of us forget that, even in our anger, we are responsible for protecting our loved ones (and vice versa).

Continue reading "SPEAKING SAFELY: COMMUNICATION AND COUPLES " »

June 07, 2007

SAFETY IN COUPLE’S WORK: When your therapist, relationship coach, pastor, etc. is not doing his/her job

I have heard, from a few different sources over the years, about therapists (et al) who have been minimally helpful, not helpful, and at times downright hurtful. There are many types of models and helpers today, and not all methods fit everyone. That said, there is one issue I feel strongly about and I believe is true regardless of the model being used or the helper you are seeing. This issue is safety.

Abusive behavior of any kind (verbal or physical) should not be allowed to go on in a session. You or your partner should never have to worry about whether or not your therapist (et al) is emotionally strong enough to maintain a safe atmosphere within the session. Although it is not uncommon for some people to become intimidating, angry, or even on the edge of rage in a session, you should know, should that happen, your therapist ( or other professional) will indeed deal with it and put an end to it immediately.

If either party is swearing, calling names, threatening, yelling, raging, or becoming abusive in any way towards the other partner, the professional you are working with should immediately put a stop to it (not wait for the tirade to end before speaking). The partner who is crossing the line should then be addressed and strongly held accountable for his/her outburst or asked to leave until s/he is able to be civil.

Continue reading "SAFETY IN COUPLE’S WORK: When your therapist, relationship coach, pastor, etc. is not doing his/her job" »

June 01, 2007

WHEN TURNING DOWN YOUR PARNTER’S SEXUAL ADVANCES REALLY IS A PROBLEM

My last post I wrote about the right to say no to sex in your relationship. This post is about the other side of that issue: the importance of also saying yes to sexual intimacy in your relationship.

Everyone has the right, and obligation, I believe, to participate in sex on a voluntary basis—always. No one determines whether or not you will be sexual, except you.

That said it’s also important to know that an important part of connection and intimacy is a healthy sexual relationship. So while you have the right to say no whenever you’d like, you need to know that if you are saying no more times than not, this will negatively impact your relationship.

I realize this can be a bit tricky to figure out, however, as with everything else in life, you have to find the balance. If on the one hand you are having sex to appease your partner, avoid a stink, or because you are feeling obligated or pushed into it, you are off. This is not healthy for either you or your partner.

Continue reading "WHEN TURNING DOWN YOUR PARNTER’S SEXUAL ADVANCES REALLY IS A PROBLEM" »

Connect with Lisa

Icon Email

Icon Twitter

Icon Facebook

Icon Linkedin

Icon YouTube

Icon Blog Feed

Subscribe to Straight Talk 4 Women

Enter your email address to receive
updates every time I post


Powered by FeedBlitz

Listen to Podcasts

Purchase Products

Attend an Event

Training for Therapists