I received a great e-mail last week asking me how to tell your partner that his/her weight is becoming a problem for you. Not surprisingly, people tend to have very strong views in this area and therefore this can be a very touchy subject for many people. Even professionals have opposing views.
That said…my views on this topic are simple: As with any topic, or area of discussion, you must first work your end and then speak relationally and respectfully to your partner.
In order to work your end, you have to make sure what you are asking is reasonable, and next, you make sure you’re giving what you’re asking your partner to give. In the area of weight, make sure your expectations are realistic and if they are, make sure you’re willing to work on your weight also.
Determining whether your expectations are realistic can be difficult. If your partner is actually within his/her ideal weight range (there are many weight charts you can look at to find out this information) and his/her doctor is not saying their weight is a problem, you may want to question your expectations. If you want your partner to look like the paper-thin models in magazines, on the internet, and on television, then know that our culture’s messages of beautiful women and men is unhealthy, extreme, and unrealistic. Also, as you and your partner get older, don’t expect either one of you to have the body of a twenty year old—that only happens when you’re in your twenties.
Once you know your expectations are reasonable (a doctor would say your partner needs to lose weight), it’s time to talk to your partner.
There are four tips I have regarding this difficult conversation:
1. Be clear, up front, that you love your partner very much. Do not tie your partner’s weight to your love for him or her.
2. Be sure to stress your concern for his/her emotional and physical health. (When we are overweight it often takes a toll on how we feel about ourselves as well as our health).
3. Share the information and let go. Do not become your partners’ personal trainer or conscience. It’s up to your partner to decide to lose the weight or not. Constantly making comments about your partner’s eating will be a losing move no matter how well you try to do it. Stay out of their process.
4. For those whose partners have gained a great deal of weight (30-40 pounds or more) and who have spoken to their partners before about this issue, it’s a good idea to be clear about how their weight is affecting you. This includes relationally stating that it’s impacting how physically attractive you are to him/her (if this is the case). Remember to not mix attraction with love. Let your partner know that you love him/her very much, you just don’t like the way s/he is treating his/her body.
I cannot stress enough how sensitive this topic can be, so remember to tread carefully. Speak with love, respect, and concern. Do not, at any point, make biting comments about your partners’ weight, eating habits, or clothes. If you have something to say, speak it “clean” and from the heart.
Challenge: If this issue is prevalent in your relationship, remember to check your expectations first, makes sure you’re not asking for anything more than you’re willing to give, and then speak with love, respect, and concern.
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