ARE YOU HANGING ON TOO LONG? WHEN TO END A RELATIONSHIP GUILT-FREE

Are you in a relationship that is adding very little to your life? If so, you’re not alone. There are many people who stay in unhealthy relationships for various reasons: fear, money, depression, poor self-care, children, religion etc. In some relationships, staying for any reason--is a wrong reason.

Here are some stories of relationships that go on all the time:
• Susie decides to stay with Tom who’s an active alcoholic. He rages twice a week at her and her children, falls off his chair at dinner because he’s so high, and is emotionally abusive to her daily.
• Dianne has been married to Rick for fifteen years and has decided to stay with him after his third affair. He has little remorse and flirts with other women constantly in her presence.
• Dan’s wife Carol is currently having an affair with someone she works with and although she wants to stay married, she refuses to give up her affair. She also refuses to go to counseling. Dan decides to stay anyway.
• Jennifer has been married to Jim who has barely given her the time of day for the past five years. He’s cold, does his own thing whenever he wants, and rarely has a kind word to say about her.

This list could go on and on. There are marriages and relationships all around us that are not only unfulfilling, but toxic as well. We need to learn when trying to save a relationship is a healthy decision versus a destructive decision—regardless of religious, financial, or offspring reasons.

Here are some red flags that serve as warnings to us that it may be best to walk away--guilt-free.
• Your partner is either emotionally or physically abusive and refuses to seek help either with you or alone. (Note: All name calling and rage is emotionally abusive)
• Your partner is an active alcoholic or drug addict and refuses treatment or repeatedly does not follow his/her treatment plan thoroughly.
• Your partner is controlling, defensive, and refuses to listen to your concerns. When you ask him/her to change something or not treat you a certain way he/she mocks you, minimizes your concerns, or simply refuses to change. When you ask for both of you to seek outside help s/he refuses.
• Your partner is having an affair and refuses to give it up or s/he has had several affairs and has not sought any treatment for this propensity. When you don’t trust your partner, s/he blames your lack of trust on you.
• You’ve repeatedly informed your partner that you’re unhappy in this relationship and want to get help to try to fix it and s/he is adamant that s/he will not go see anyone!

Ending a relationship can be one of the most difficult decisions a person can make…it can also be one of the most rewarding.

Whenever possible, try your best to make it work. This is especially important when you have a willing partner who’s open to seeking help and changing. For those of you who do not have a willing partner however--know when to trust your gut and WALK.

Challenge: If you’re struggling to stay or end a relationship, sit down, take a deep centering breath, and check in with yourself. What is your wisest self telling you? If you’ve tried everything and your partner refuses to seek help, then remember that sometimes the healthiest and most relational thing you can do is--end it.

Comments

[Joanne]

I have been married for 28 years and have two grown children. My husband has adult ADHD and is verbally abusive along with nothing ever being his fault.
His mother who is 84 is very controlling and controls him completely and he then passes it on to me.
He has nothing good to say about our children who are kind, loving children.
It has come to the point that they will not come to our home b/c they cannot tolerate his mood swings .
He is either really up or really down.
I want to leave and my children support me. I want to have some enjoyment in the rest of my life! He nags at me all the time if I do go out with friends to Bingo, shows or whatever. My friends do not want to come to my place b/c they never know what mood he is in.
He says he doesn't like people and doesn't want to go around people...he doesn't even like when our children and grandchildren used to come for supper.
I feel like I am being seperated from my family and friends.
The thing is though, that I feel guilty b/c he is always saying he will kill himself or something - that is what he uses when things do not go his way.
I am so sick of all this negativity and just want a life with some enjoyment. I do not want to be the cause of someone else's death, but I do not have any feelings left for him - he has hurt me too many times.
What should I do?

LISA'S REPLY: I'm glad to hear that you realize you deserve better and my hope is that you take steps to make that happen.

Regarding your fear that he will kill himself if you leave, let me be very clear that if he should choose to do that, it would be his choice; it would not be because you made him. Do not take that responsibility on as yours because it is NOT yours to take on.

If he doesn't want to live without you then tell him he needs to be relational in order to live with you. You have a couple options: 1. Tell him he needs to get into treatment if he wants to turn this marraige around. Be clear that he not only has to do couples work, he also has to actually change his behaviors. If he does this, then you will decide if the change is enough for you to stay. 2. If he chooses not to do that, then let him know you're sad about his decision and you are no longer willing to sacrifice your life and your relationship with your children and grandchildren for him (or anybody for that matter).

If he threatens to kill himself, be clear that you will be very sad that he made such a selfish, horrendous decision, and that you will not take on his life as your responsibility.

If you struggle with taking these steps, I recommend you seek outside help for possible co-dependence.

Remember that loved ones must treat you lovingly. If they don't, it's your responsibility to change that dynamic by either standing up to it and seeking help if necessary or if there's no change, leaving it.
Best of luck-Lisa

[ThankU]

I just had to end a relationship I put my heart and soul into. It was the toughest thing for me to do because I belived in us - except for my partner left all the work and believing to me. I was deprived spiritually, mentally, emotionally and eventually physically. It's bittersweet today, but I know I made the right decision b/c I chose ME!

[ML]

This blog reminds me of a thought-provoking phrase you once used: You have to earn your way out of a relationship. Meaning that you have to do all you can on your side to improve a relationship and if it still doesn't work, you can leave it without feeling guilty.