Recently the issue of control has been coming up in my work with many people. The control I’m talking about can look like micro-managing or being over-responsible. Micro-managing someone is telling them what to do, how to do it, and even when to do it. This can include telling your partner how to clean the dishes, how to spend his/her free time, how and when to exercise, how to put your children to bed, etc.
The inherent assumption with micro-managing someone is, “I know best and you should do things my way.” Another way to say this is, “You’re wrong and you don’t know how to do anything.”
Micro-managing others is condescending and contemptuous. It would be helpful for you to remember that you’re not your partner’s parent. In fact, your partner actually managed to make it to adulthood without you, so chances are s/he isn’t nearly as inept as you believe. You also may want to have the humility of realizing that you do not have all the answers--you only have some. There are many ways to do the same thing and just because it’s not your way, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way.
Being over-responsible, in contrast, is taking over--almost everything. It may show up as being in charge of the scheduling, the children, sport events, cooking, getting the kids ready for school, packing for vacations, and on and on. Being over-responsible can seem like you are a single parent in a two-parent family.
The implicit message with being over-responsible is, “You are incompetent. I’d rather do it myself because you are obviously not capable.”
Being over-responsible is like taking the fast track to resentment; it’s unhealthy for you and for your family. It also plays right into your partner’s likely behavior of being under-responsible. Your partner won’t have to worry about cooking dinner if s/he knows you will. Likewise, s/he won’t have to remember the kids’ schedules since you are certain to remind him/her. In fact, there is very little your partner will have to do since you are likely to jump in and do it yourself.
Although in the short run it may seem easier to do it yourself or have your partner do things your way, in the long run it often leads to a much bumpier, more difficult road.
Challenge: If you micro-manage--stop. Instead, deal with the leakage of the behavior you are trying to manage. For example, if you believe your partner is cranky because s/he is stressed, ask him/her to address the cranky behavior; don’t manage how s/he will do that by demanding s/he go exercise or take a yoga class.
If you’re over-responsible and have to be in charge of everything--stop. Instead, allow your partner to feel the consequences of his/her oversights. For example, if your partner forgot to pick up the milk, don’t go get it yourself. Tell your partner you’ll keep his/her dinner warm while s/he goes back to the store to get the milk.
Your last paragraph said it perfectly well. I feel people shouldn't tell people to resolve their issues if they haven't resolved their own issues in the first place. I love this talk. It's godsend.
Fara - http://www.pickmeuptoday.com
Posted by: Faramir | April 14, 2008 at 02:46 AM