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5 posts from December 2007

December 27, 2007

CODEPENDENCY AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT MIX: THE ART OF LETTING GO

People throw around the term codependency all the time; professionals talk about it, lay people wonder about it, and alcoholics and their partners live with it. Few people, however, truly know what it is.

Melody Beattie has an excellent book on codependency titled, Codependent No More. If you’ve ever wondered if you’re codependent or were curious about what codependency is, this is the book for you.

Melody’s definition is: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. “

Most codependents who read this definition would likely say they are not codependent. Let me help clarify for a minute. Codependents become highly reactive to the behaviors of others. Codependents are very in tune to the people they care about and are frequently pointing out: what their partner’s doing, what their partner should be doing, why their partner is doing what their doing, how their partner’s behavior is related to their family of origin issues and on and on.

Codependents find it nearly impossible to stay out of their partner’s business. They see better, know better, and are responsible for making their partners better. They are often sure they know the cure for their partner’s ailments and they do anything in their power to change their partners so they can feel more comfortable in the relationship.

Continue reading "CODEPENDENCY AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT MIX: THE ART OF LETTING GO" »

December 21, 2007

THE POWER OF WORDS: WATCHING THEIR IMPACT ON THE FACE OF A CHILD (There’s Nothing like A Little Tenderness in Relationships)

This past week my daughter Rylee got to choose a Tender Coupon from the Kids Power Pack. She looked through the pile several times and narrowed her choice down to three cards: Have a friend over within the next seven days, Choice of family restaurant or movie, or One day filled with compliments and positive comments.

I was sure she would pick the friend… Imagine my surprise when she picked the compliments!!!

She held the coupon for a couple days and then came up to me this morning and turned in her Tender Coupon for: ONE DAY FILLED WITH COMPLIMENTS AND POSITIVE COMMENTS.

I gave her a great big hug and showered her with compliments…the grin on her face was priceless.

Continue reading "THE POWER OF WORDS: WATCHING THEIR IMPACT ON THE FACE OF A CHILD (There’s Nothing like A Little Tenderness in Relationships)" »

December 18, 2007

R-E-L-A-X…FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Relationships and the holiday season

Every year it feels like the hustle and bustle of the holidays creates a terrible strain on couples and families. Forget about the giving spirit, sitting by the fireplace peacefully snuggling, or quietly sipping eggnog while decorating the Christmas tree; there’s no time for all that…THERE’S TOOOOOOO MUCH TO DO!!!

We all seem to get caught up in buying gifts, throwing parties, decorating the house, working extra hours to pay for the gifts etc., that we forget that the holidays are a time of love and connection. We’re so busy running around like crazy people that we fail to take time out and just enjoy the season.

The holidays are a time for families to come together to relax and enjoy one another. They’re a time to create wonderful memories with lots of laughs, love, and traditions. Although this may sound like more stress to many of you, the truth is it only takes a few moments.

Continue reading "R-E-L-A-X…FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Relationships and the holiday season" »

December 14, 2007

ARE YOU LETTING MEN OFF THE HOOK? CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS MAY TAKE A BIT OF A FIGHT.

Women speak about miserable relationships and hopeless feelings all the time. They report that their partners have no interest in counseling, are under a lot of stress, and can’t handle more right now. Women can’t push or demand too much from the men because it may break them in one way or another; they believe the men can only take so much before they either explode or implode.

Subsequently, women either say little, or say a lot (complain), and demand nothing.

This type of thinking reminds me of Jack Nicholson’s famous line in A Few Good Men: “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” It’s entitled, co-dependant, and unhealthy. Neither you, nor I, have the right to decide what someone else can or cannot handle…only the other person has that right.

The idea that men can’t handle being held accountable for co-creating a healthy relationship is an insult to men, I believe. Given that many men are running top companies, managing entire groups of people, helping to care for their families etc., it’s doubtful that they can’t handle a little relational accountability.

Continue reading "ARE YOU LETTING MEN OFF THE HOOK? CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS MAY TAKE A BIT OF A FIGHT." »

December 11, 2007

IS FEAR RUNNING YOUR RELATIONSHIP? Letting go of the “what if's.”

Fear is a powerful force. On the positive side, fear alerts us to dangers and can literally save our lives.  On the negative side, it can sabotage our lives. It keeps us in unhealthy relationships, leads us to accept the unacceptable, and allows us to play small in big ways.

Fear keeps us in unhealthy relationships by tricking us into thinking there’s no one else out there. Our fear often paints a very tainted, narrow view of the future. We worry that if we leave our current partner, our next partner will be worse. Perhaps, we fear, we won’t even be able to find another partner.

Not surprisingly, fear keeps us frozen and willing to accept things that no one should accept. We may stay in an abusive relationship due to fear that our partner will harm us if we leave. We stay silent because we’re fearful our words will cause a fight. We accept the cold shoulder because we’re fearful we don’t deserve better. We accept the status quo because to not do so is too scary.

Continue reading "IS FEAR RUNNING YOUR RELATIONSHIP? Letting go of the “what if's.” " »

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