RELATIONSHIP STRUGGLES… HOW MUCH STRUGGLE IS TOO MUCH?

There are so many conflicting messages in the world about relationships that people don’t know what to expect or even hope for in their relationships.  On the one side we hear that relationships are hard work and at the other end we hear that if you marry your soul mate, everything should be smooth sailing.

So what’s the truth?

My belief is that relationships take time to form, attention to grow, and nourishment to stay strong.  This can be hard work, however, most of the work is time and attention--not constant struggles filled with harsh comments, intense fighting, or cold silences. 

There’s a difference between putting time into something, versus working like a dog constantly to be heard, respected, and cherished.   I believe that relationships take time and effort.  I do not believe they should be an endless dance of pain and sorrow followed by occasional moments of joy.

If you’ve been wondering if you’re working too hard and getting too little then slow down and take a look at that.  Nourishing, healthy relationships will feel…nourishing.  They will fuel you, support you, bring you joy more times than not, and they will feel good.  Yes, there will be difficult times however these times should be the exception rather than the rule.

There will be times when you and your partner may hit a rough patch that will last quite a while such as the birth of a child, or an affair, or a death of a loved one, yet even these times should be handled with respect and love.  Having moments of difficult conversations, boredom, distance, struggles etc., are normal. Having years of steady pain, struggles and distance is not.

For those of you who are in relationships that are painful more often than not, it’s time to decide what you want for your life.  If you want a relationship that fuels you, you have to fight to get it.  Seek help, look at your part in the struggle and fix it your end, be clear about what you want, and respectfully stand up to get it. 

If you get the relationship you deserve as a result, then the fight was well worth it.

CHALLENGE:  If your relationship is frequently painful and difficult, know this is not how relationships are meant to be.  Take some time to look at what’s not working.  Figure out what your role is in this dance.  Fix your piece.  Stand up and ask your partner to fix his/hers.  If necessary seek help.

Comments

[Sarah]

Hi, I really need some advice.
I'm a 21 yr old female, and have been dating my boyfriend since we were in year 12 at highschool. The first couple of years were magical.. we couldn't leave each others side!

4 years down the track he's made new friends through work, and really enjoys hanging out with them on the weekends.. so much to the point where he'll cancel plans with me just so he can go out with them. Am I just jealous? Or is this a sign that he wants space? I've asked him numerous times if I can come with him.. but he just tells me that it is a 'boys night'.. don't get me wrong, I completely trust him, but i just feel like I'm not as important to him anymore.
What should I do?

DEAR SARAH: "Not leaving each other's side" is not healthy for relationships. Healthy relationships allow room for the couple as well as the individual. Both you and your boyfriend should be spending time individually with your friends. I would not be concerned about him hanging out with friends as long as the two of you still spend time together as well and he treats you well. In fact, it might be time for you to reconnect with friends who may have taken a back seat when he came along. You need both. Spending all you time with one person is a lot of pressure on that relationship. Widen your circle and enjoy the freedom to do so.
Take care-Lisa

[flint agosto]

My wife is working 2 jobs, I work one. We are not struggling, she can work only one if she wanted to. I keep telling her that its killing our marriage because we don't see each other. I work from 8-4 Wed. thru mondays; she works a 9-5 job monday thru friday and she works night the shift. It kills her cuz she is either sleeping or working. I dont know what to do, she doesnt spend anytime with our son; its a killer, please help.

DEAR FLINT: I'm so sorry to hear how difficult this has been for you and your family. It sounds as though you've told you wife repeatedly how her work is hurting your family yet she has not listened. The next move is for you to back up your words with actions. You need to figure out what you're willing to do to make it more uncomfortable for her to continue to do what she's doing. This may include moving into a seperate bedroom; getting into therapy; separating; putting the relationship on hold until she goes with you to a relationship professional ect. If you can't think of anything, go to a professional yourself. If your wife refuses to talk with a professional or listen to you, tell her that you're very unhappy in this relationship and that you will be taking the next few months to meet with a relationship expert yourself to decide what you are going to do about it. Inform her that you will let her know what you decide.

What you do is not as important as you doing something. Complaining with words is not going to change anything. You need to back your words up with actions that are respectful and that will show her how serious this is to you.
Take care-Lisa

[lisa]

Hi... I have been having on & off happy times with my partner. He wants things his way & he says its because he cares. He always leaves me hanging in any argument & asks what do you want me to do at the end of the argument. He expects me to do something to make him feel better. I broke a few promises once to often tho', minor one's (for example no makeup) & he got really upset. It went on for about 3 days & finally said see you around but got together again the same day & regretted whats been said & done. The latest, is about last minute plans & he doesn't like it. He changed & it has been 3 days again & asked the same "what do you want me to do?" I regret what I did but they are my close friends & at the same time he is important too. Now, I am sad & don't know what to do. Please help... :(

[may]

Hi, been with my partner 3 years now. Split up last year for a few weeks due to his ex-wife and him playing games not knowing what they wanted. Before I met him he cheated on her and she forgave him and took him back but then she found texts from the girl a year later so she dumped him. He hadn't slept with the girl or seen her but kept contact. He took it hard then met me after two other girls he wasnt happy with in short relationships. Over the first two years it was a struggle with his emotions of being happy to not knowing what he wanted in life till it came to a head last year. He begged to come back after he tried to see if things would work with her. I don't think she wanted him back but he said he chose me and promised 100% from now on. I love the guy deeply more than anyone I've ever loved but he's grumpy at me and my kids, wont share presents from us to his, (they have to just be from him), he didn't get up Christmas day till my kids had gone because he missed his so much, and he gave her my wii fit from the kids at xmas as she desperatley wanted one from the kids. He brought the kids a computer but moans at how long they can use it since he bought it. He has a lot of good qualities as well but I seem to be stuck. I looked and saw that he brought his ex the same flowers and card for us both yesterday for Valentines so when he phoned me (works away) I finished it because he said it must be a mistake on flower site as he didnt send any. I really feel bad today and feel like I need him back or I will be broke, unhappy, and lost without him. I was always so strong till I met him. Please help me make the best decision for me and my boys.
Thanks

DEAR MAY: Your boyfriend has not treated you right since the start of this relationship. Many of the things you wrote are disrespectful and hurtful. You certainly don't need that in your life. If you decide to try again with him I suggest that you be clear within yourself and with him about what you will and will not accept--even if that means he ends the relationship. You deserve to be treated well by all people, at all times; those closest to you should treat you best. If he's not doing treating you well (which he's not), you need to stand up for yourself, your relationship, and your children and fight for better. Don't settle and definitely don't go back to the way things were...that will NOT help you or your children.
Take care-Lisa

[coral p]

Ok I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year and 3 months now and we are really great but there are times that we have disagreements and we let it get the best of us. Either I or she will say one thing and do the opposite of what we said we wouldnt do. I blow up really easy and start being mean towards her. It could be because I had a bad day or she has done something to make me ill. For example, when I'm trying to be serious she will be sexual at times and its like she doesn't care to hear what I have to say.

Sometimes I get scared that maybe I have an anger problem. The blowing up mainly accurs when another guy is hitting on her. She makes friends with just guys, she doesnt inform me on all of what she does like going to places with other people and not telling me. That really bothers me and hurts. A lot of those things really irritate me and set me off. I broke up a couple times but got back together. The last time we broke up she told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me. She was having doubts about the relationship.

I don't know what was the matter and why she was so unsure. We are a gay couple (girls) and we have both feared the world and what people may think or say. There had been problems, especially at school, people would call us names and treat us very badly. This went on for the whole year and her car got keyed. I dont know if this made our atitudes change and made us take some of our anger and irritation out on each other. What do I do to save this relationship? I need your help.

DEAR CORAL: The first thing I suggest is that you get your anger under control. You can't have a healthy relationship if there's no safety. Get into therapy and learn effective ways to handle your anger so it doesn't harm you or those around you.

You also need to remember that your girlfriend does not "set" you off in anyway. When you blow up you do so because of one person and one person only--you. Start getting yourself under control and then perhaps your girlfriend will want to stay. If you don't like what she's doing then calmly ask her to do things differently; don't use her behaviors to justify your outbursts...they don't.

Take care-Lisa

[Whitney]

Greetings,
I wanted advice in regards to my relationship. I am in a beautiful and committed relationship. We are super compatible and get along great. We have challenges but we overcome them with a positive attitude and outlook on life.
It has been such a healthy and beautiful relationship that I really thought we were headed into making bigger plans for the future.

Recently, my boyfriend, out of the blue, expressed to me that he had been doubting about the future of our relationship and didnt understand why if he loved me so much, he was doubting in his mind.

I equated it to a fear of commitment. We agreed to take time off until he figured it out. Not even a week passed and he called because he wanted to see me. He had done some thinking and realized he didnt want to lose me. Of course I took him back and was super excited about his decision, but I am worried about a few things.

1. I feel somewhat powerless since he was the one who made the decision to take time off and he was the one to make the decision to come back. I dont want to be in "control" of anyone but me, yet I cant help but feel powerless in this situation. Is there a way for me to regain my power in this situation?

2. I feel unstable and somewhat insecure that he might pull this on me again further down the line. How can I re-establish that security that I had before all this happened?

3. I am worried that if we are to disagree, or be challenged from this point on, that he might regret having come back into the relationship. How do I let go of this fear so that I can constructively build on this relationship?

4. I am wondering if I am wasting my time with this man. As much as I love him, should I end it? And is this relationship one that can grow into marriage, family, kids, future? or is he bound to doubt again?

5. Lastly, am I loving myself by taking the risk of being hurt (again) but being willing to the potential of a beautiful loving experience, or am I loving myself by walking away from a situation like this?

DEAR WHITNEY: Your partner began to question the relationship which is normal. I think it's fair of you to give him this one chance. He does not have the power and neither do you. You both get to choose if you stay or go...that's not power, that's being an adult. Be careful not to misinterpret this.

The only way to re-establish your security is through time and him showing that he truly has decided this is where he chooses to be. I always give a person one chance...consider this his. If he does it again then I would worry and rethink this relationship. Until then, I would see it as normal doubts we all get as things begin to head more toward long-term commitment.

If this truly has been a beautiful relationship with both of you treating each other well, then enjoy it and allow it to grow.
Happy Holidays!
Lisa

[Demi]

Hi,
I found your message helpful. I've been with my boy friend for almost 5 years. I'm 30 years old.
There's many qualities that are positive about him, myself and us but I constantly struggle thinking if I'm meant to be with him.
Last year around February we talked about getting engaged by the end of the year but by August I knew it wasn't going to happen and I was disappointed and upset that he couldn't focus on the relationship and it's progress so we decided to live separately because I just felt like I needed some space. We talked about saving for the future but until this day I don't see any change. He's getting his second degree and working at the same time and I'm a professional. I earn twice his income. It never bothered me a bit but now more and more I wish we can have a similar life style. I always had faith in him and our relationship. I always felt and thought it as being strong but now I don't. I wish I still did and can but I can't find it in my heart to believe in it. I have no confidence in this relationship anymore. But I love him and he loves me and there's so much potential but I feel bored that we can't do anything unordinary together once in a while because he has no money. Any extra money he has he ends up spending it on eating out because he lives alone now but it was no different when we used to live together. I used to cook as much as possible. He goes out with his friends and spends his money on drinking with his buddies. He's a great guy. A smart guy. A sensitive and caring guy and he really loves me without a doubt-everyone knows but he's so distracted all the time. I'm an understanding person so we both know how valuable and important school and work is but his hobbies like learning languages and hanging out with friends, going to the gym and eating enough or not enough - all these things take up so much space on his mind and "we" get lost in it. So, after 4 1/2 years of being with him I'm lost and my heart is not in it anymore. I wanted nothing but to make this work. I talked to him. We promised to make changes and improvements. I was patient and gave him all the benefit of the doubt. I believed he would come around and step up to the game but I feel like it's too late. My heart is just not in it. I don't want to struggle any longer. Am I suppose to be alone... At this point I feel like it's better to be single than sorry. I don't know if I can say I love him anymore. I love the person that he is and I care about him but I don't know if I can believe that he can be a good partner in life.

LISA"S REPLY: Dear Demi, it sounds like your gut is telling you this is not the relationship for you. You've given him many chances and he has decided not to change. Typically the best predictor of the future is the past and present. If he continues to not step up, it's likely that this is what marriage would be like with him. Marriage just intensifies what you already have (the good and the bad). Perhaps this relationship isn't meant to go any further than it already has.

Trust your instincts and don't settle for less than you deserve...which is a relationship that fuels you. This relationship is draining you not fueling you. If your partner refuses to make the changes, don't get lost in the potential...look at the reality. If you have to, grieve the loss and move on to a healthier relationship.
Take care-Lisa

[Joyce]

My 1st yr anniversary is coming up. I should be happy about it, but I'm not.
I gave up everything but the clothes my kids & I have to move into his & his daughter's place. I also quit a good paying job to start a business w/ my husband. Everything was great for a few months, but that changed.
Now he does nothing but insult me & put me down. Everything I do is wrong. He can't say anything nice to me. He said that I do so many dumb a** things, it puts him in a bad mood.
I want my marriage to work, but I can't take the verbal abuse anymore. I have asked many times for it to stop & it will for a little while, but it starts back up. I have even left him a couple of times over it. What can I do to make my marriage work?

LISA'S REPLY: Stop going back until he's in treatement and his disrespect is off the table. Everytime he's disrespectful tell address it. A three step approach is comment on it, make a request about it, then set a limit (end the conversation). If you do this every time and his behavior does not improve you need to step it up to the next level such as no going out with him, no being sexual, or a seperation. Do not change your stance until he's consistently kind and respectful. Life's to short to have the people closest to you be so hurtful.
Take care-Lisa

[Ms Howard]

I think what you told her is good. She does have to start speaking up for herself because if not then he will continue to run over her everytime. I think she should just leave one time to see what he would do and if he doesn't come after her then I feel that he didn't have any feeling for her in the first place.

[fe fe]

I have a guy that shuts down whenever I try to talk about difficult situations..And I mean he goes silent, might even start snoring ,and then wont speak to me for days at a time ,till I ultimately start calling him names.. We've known each other for 7 years and been living together the last 3 years. In the last year he has changed drastically. It like he got a new job and his head blew up,I feel like I,m in love with who he used to be. I dislike who he is today. How do you talk to a wall.. how do I over come that? Or walk away. I probably should have walked away 2 months ago cause now were expecting. Which really make everything crazier.. He'd like me to discontinue the pregnancy (I think because he hasnt responded to my excitement & he's not speaking to me) I'm not doing it but I might be open if he would discuss his thoughts with me there. Should I just assume he's already done with the relationship? I've asked him to move out too..of course no response.

LISA'S REPLY: Why are you wondering if he's ending the relationship? What's your decision? It sounds to me like he's being incredibly passive aggressive. If you choose to stay in the relationship make sure you don't settle for this type of behavior--it's over the top. You deserve to be treated well...which includes being acknowledged for speaking!!!
I would stop chasing him down and if he wants to be in relationship with you then he needs to work on being more relational.
Take care-Lisa