ARE YOU FUELING YOUR PARTNER’S ANGER BY RUNNING FROM IT?

• Stacey’s son throws a temper tantrum every time he doesn’t get his way.  Stacey responds by trying her best to placate her son and settle him down. 

She teaches her son that his tantrums work.

• Steve’s wife often gets so angry and reactive when she doesn’t like something he’s doing that he just clams up and does what she tells him.   

He teaches his wife that her anger and reactivity work. 

• Laura hates it when her husband gets angry and short with her.  He becomes demanding and she gives him what he wants to avoid an escalation. 

She teaches him that his anger and entitlement work. 

Many couples struggle with anger issues.  Typically one partner is quick to anger while the other partner is quick to duck and give in.  When I speak about the importance of not fueling the flame of their partner’s anger, the ducking partner often responds by saying they walk on eggshells to insure they don’t fuel any more anger from their partner.  My response: “Walking on eggshells is like lighting a match to their partner’s anger.”   

When you give in to anger and demands, you teach your partner that anger works.  People, who struggle with anger, rage, and reactivity, use this energy to get their partners off their back and get their own way. 

Unfortunately, every time their partners give in to the rage, they unknowingly escalate it.

Instead of ducking and giving in to anger, you have to handle anger head on with confidence, strength, determination, and moderation.  If you have a partner who is verbally abusive, disrespectful, or contemptuous, you must deal with these behaviors directly and send a clear message that those behaviors are not acceptable.  The way you do this is by starting with a statement, moving to a request, and steadily ramp it up if the request fails. 

Ramping it up means adding an increased sense of strength, determination, and intensity to your message that disrespectful, contemptuous behaviors are not acceptable. 

For example:
Tom gets angry in the car on the way to a restaurant and snaps at his wife Sue…
Sue can proceed through the following steps to address his anger:

• Statement: “Wow, the way you just said that was really harsh.”
o If Tom continues to speak harshly, move to the next level.
• Request: “Tom, I’d like you to change your tone when you speak to me.”
• Ramp up: “Tom, stop speaking to me in that tone!” (stated in firm, moderate tone—not yelling)
• Ramp up (Limit setting): 
• Ramp up (Limit Setting II) (if Tom continues):  “You need to STOP! If you don’t I am not going into the restaurant with you.” NOTE: If you are at home when this happens it would sound like: “Tom, when you’re ready to speak to me respectfully I will have this conversation, until then this conversation is over.” (then walk into another room)
• Final…follow through (If Tom continues still): Tom gets out of the car to enter into the restaurant and Sue either stays in the car or calls a taxi.  She does NOT go in and eat with Tom.  She later tells Tom that if he ever berates her in the car again, she will no longer go out with him socially until he shows her he is able to control his temper.
• If the behaviors continue, be clear that this anger is harming your relationship and if it doesn’t stop your marriage will be in trouble.

These steps are for couples where there is NO physical violence and the partner is not concerned about it occurring.  This works for contempt, harsh comments, and general disrespect. 

If you’re tired of being treated with anger, contempt, and reactivity by your partner, then stop ducking and send a clear message that this behavior is unacceptable.  Ducking only escalates the anger and keeps the fires burning.

CHALLENGE:  If you’re struggling with your partner’s anger, take steps to stop it.  Choose one smaller behavior to intervene on and begin to address it every time it occurs.  Use the steps above as a guide and ramp it up if your request is ignored.  Remember that you deserve to be treated well and set limits from a place of strength and conviction. 

(NOTE:  If there is physical abuse going on in your relationship, do not apply these rules; instead seek treatment through therapy or a domestic violence program).   

Comments

[Roberta]

I left my husband because of his anger. I was walking on egg shells for 6 months. It escalated to the point that I left w/ my kids (kids from a previous marriage) in the middle of the night because he kicked us out. I moved into my brother's house for the time being. We are trying to work things out, but I'm getting opposition from my family. My kids no longer trust him. I love this man w/ all my heart, but I'm in a rough position now because of him. I don't have the $ to get my own place & staying at my brother's is costing me a fortune in gas because all my business is in the same town that my husband lives in. We have gone to the church to get marriage counseling, but it's not something that is going to get solved right away. We don't have much time right now. School starts in a week. I can't afford to drive back & forth for school & business. I'm to the point that I don't know what to do anymore. I want to save my marriage. Neither him nor I can afford to live apart, but I don't believe the kids & I should move back in at this time until the marriage counseling is finished. What should I do?
I don't want anyone else to get hurt anymore, I feel helpless at this time.

Dear Roberta,
I understand that it is hard and I commend you for having the courage to stand up for your family. Your message to your husband needs to be that verbal or physical abuse is not acceptable under any circumstances. Until your husband can learn to control his temper--and you SEE this change, it's best for you not to go back. If he's sincere about wanting the best for his family and being willing to do anything to make things work then ask him if he'd move out so you and the kids can be close to school and your work. Let him know this would be until he gets his anger under control and you and the therapist feel as though there's little to know safety risk.

This will be tough work and the most important work for you and your family. You have already shown a lot of courage, keep it up.
Take care-Lisa

[edward church]

counseling is the best bet for that. I was close to that 2yrs ago. It helps

[Regina Jimenez]

my boyfriend gets angry easily over small stuff, overreacts, and then leaves, or hangs up the phone. He doesn't give me a chance to speak or try to reason with him. How can I apply your suggestions.

LISA'S REPLY: You tell him, when things are calm, that his anger is creating a problem in your relationship. You need to be clear with him that is impacting you and if it doesn't change then your relationship will be in trouble.

If you stay quiet about his anger and take a helpless position he will continue to do what he has been doing; through time it will only escalate. You have to decide now if that's what you want in your future. If you don't want it, you have to fight to stop it.

Remember...you deserve to be treated well!
Take care-Lisa

[indira]

I need help with my husband. He is very moody and sometimes gets very angry with me.

LISA'S REPLY: I would start by letting your husband know that you do not like his anger. If, however you are afraid that he would become more angry and may harm you, then I recommend you get into counseling to help you set limits while also keeping safe.

If you don't believe he would harm you then let him know you don't like his anger and you would like him to work on it. Everytime he raises his voice to you or speaks to you disrespectfully, ask him to stop speaking to you that way. If he doesn't stop, then end the conversation until he can be respectful.

If you find it very difficult to do this, seek individual counseling to help you get stronger. Remember that you deserve to be treated well--especially by your loved ones.
Take care-Lisa