EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT IS IT AND WHY IS IT A SHOW STOPPER?

Over the years I’ve heard many excuses for partners treating each other in emotionally abusive ways.  When I say emotionally abusive, what I mean is: calling your partner names, swearing at him/her, yelling or screaming at your partner, belittling him/her, harshly criticizing him/her, saying hurtful things because you are angry, and threatening your partner in any way. 

Any and all of the above constitutes poor treatment.  Any and all of the above is disrespectful every time and for any reason.  There is no justification, rationalization, or excuse for treating your partner in this way… period.  This is true whether you are a man or a woman.

That said, it does not mean that we are all perfect and will not have our moments.  We are human and will make mistakes.  There’s a difference however between making a mistake and owning it, versus justifying that mistake and blaming the other person for it.

Here are some common justifications I hear:

• S/he knows I didn’t mean it when I said those things. I was just angry.
• I wouldn’t have called her those names if she didn’t make me so damn angry.
• S/he knows exactly how to stick it to me so I get angry.  S/he does it on purpose and then cries foul when I explode.  It’s not my fault; s/he should stop triggering me.
• Look, that’s just the way I talk. She should stop making such a big deal about it and get over it. 

If you want to build a close relationship you will be unable to do so if you’re being offensive and verbally abusive to your partner.  Swearing at your partner and calling him/her names is toxic to relationships.   If you choose to interact with your partner in these ways…your partner will inevitably not want to be around you; if not today or tomorrow, then at some point down the road. 

As my mentor Terry Real often states:  “If you go out in the rain without an umbrella, you’re going to get wet.  Don’t blame me for you getting wet, I’m just the messenger.”

If you choose to be verbally abusive in your relationship, you’re going to harm your relationship.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to get this:  people don’t like being around people who hurt them--it’s just not fun. Stop justifying this behavior and instead STOP DOING IT. 

CHALLENGE:  If you’re being verbally abusive to your partner--stop it…plain and simple.  You do not have the right to be hurtful towards your partner and nor does your partner have the right to be emotionally abusive to you.  If you’re taking this kind of behavior, stop taking it and if you’re giving it, stop giving it.

Comments

[amanda]

I have been in an on/off relationship with my husband due to violence/abuse issues. Over time, he has been to anger management programs, started taking medication, and quit drinking. We no longer live together, but see each other twice a month. We have three children, all under 3 years old. (We had a couple good years in a row). I have seen progress, slowly and not without slip-ups, but certain verbally abusive/negligent behaviors remain and I wonder if it is due to his PTSD from wartime involvement? Also; I find that, after a certain amount of abuse has taken place, I become verbally abusive toward him, even though I know it will probably make matters worse. Is this relationship salvageable for our children's sake or is it too late?
LISA'S REPLY: It could be salvageable if the abuse ends. If it is continuing than it's not okay. Your husband could very well have PTSD issues in which case he would need to get into some therapy. You also could use some therapy to help address the violence you were in and to help you to not become verbally abusive back. You made a great decision to separate until the violence ends, now it's important to not lower your expectations. For the sake of you, your husband and your children, you need to keep setting a strong limit against the abuse. If you allow it in a little, it will grow. Zero tolerance (from you or him). Your children deserve a violent free home. Nice job giving them that and now keep that going.
Take care-Lisa

[saras]

women and men should learn to respect their partners...never say things that you will regret later.Anger should be converted by giving each other some time and then sit and talk heart to heart without hypocrisy.

[shirlie]

My husband is very verbally abusive and a control freek. I always get put down made to feel stupid and he knows everything. These words hurt and stay with you always. I am ready to get out plus I feel he is having an affair (still gathering the proof with phone records and such). He is now out of state working and the other woman is also working there. He says there is nothing going on, but her calls are always when I am gone or taken outside.
He always wants to know what time I left, when I got home, and where I went to the point that it is driving me crazy. This has been happening for 10 years. My time schedule that is..
My husband is a drinker, has 5 or more beers, and is just flat mean. There has not been any physical abuse but all the rest hurts forever and never stops. Do any of you have any addvice?
A 55 yr young woman who has always stuck to her wedding vows and I am very pissed off and very hurt..
Thank you for reading this it helps just to know that there is help there.. Thank you Shirl

[t]

I need help my husband does this just about everyday where can he get help? He says it's because he's bipolar is that true?
LISA'S REPLY: It could be true that he's bi-polar however if that's true he should be on meds and be seen by a therapist. If this doesn't stop I would tell him he needs to get into therapy to address his anger.