CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part II): GET OFF YOUR BACK??? HOW ABOUT ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING AND THEN I’LL GET OFF YOUR BACK--DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?!

A NOTE TO WOMEN

In my previous post I wrote about men feeling as though they can never do anything good enough for their partners.  My suggestion was for them to make sure that when they say they’re going to do something that they not only actually do it, but they also make sure to do it well. 

Now it’s time to look at the woman’s side of this equation--the frequent criticisms, anger, and control.  Let me start by saying… “I get it”; I totally get that when you have to ask your partner to do something a thousand times before he does it (if he does it at all), it can be frustrating…to say the least.  I also get that if your partner truly is irresponsible and either doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do, or if he does a mediocre job at best when he does do something, that it’s beyond frustrating.  I get it--I really do. 

AND… your response to what he does or does not do is equally as important and impactful to your relationship as his actions are.  Regardless of whether he is doing what he says he will do or doing it well, you still have to be respectful.  His irresponsibility does not justify your being controlling, critical, and contemptuous. 

As shocking as it may sound, his actions do not determine OR justify yours. 

Strong spirited women tend to respond to irresponsibility with angry control, or by turning into the micro-managing task master. Neither of these approaches is helpful--to women or men.  The woman who moves into the task manager position has to learn to be appreciative first before moving onto the next thing.  All of us like to hear a thank you when we do something so don’t be stingy with your kindness; give it freely and see what happens.

The woman who moves into angry control has to learn to work on her intensity; it’s okay to be angry, however it’s not okay to yell, scream, and spit fire at someone because you don’t like what they did.  I’m not saying that women don’t have the right to be angry--you do have that right—you just don’t have the right to be abusive.  If you’re yelling, screaming, shaming, name calling, or being contemptuous… you are being abusive.  I often hear women say, “My anger is not the problem--MY HUSBAND IS THE PROBLEM!”  My response: “Although your husband may be off in his actions… you are also off.”

Whether you are yelling or micro-managing, it’s time to clean up your side of the equation.  If you’ve been doing either of these approaches and he’s still not changing, than obviously what you’re doing is not working. 

Try a different tactic.  Settle down, show appreciation when he does do things, make sure you’re expectations aren’t rigid and controlling, and with a calm strength--set a limit and follow through.  Men find it much scarier when women are calm and strong then they do when women are yelling and over the top…really, just try it; you’ll feel better too.

   

If he’s not doing something he agreed to do, then stop, slow down, and think.  What is it you have control over and what can you do to take care of yourself.  For example, if he said he would be at the meeting with the caterer and he doesn’t show up, don’t yell; instead calmly state that if he wants to throw the party for his parent’s 50^th wedding anniversary he’ll need to schedule a time to meet with the caterer and show up.  If he doesn’t do that, you’ll assume he’s decided to not have the party…then LET GO. 

Do not remind him, try to get him to do it, feel bad that the party isn’t going to happen etc., just let it go.  It’s on him.  Do not take responsibility for him, don’t get offended that he dropped the ball, don’t feel embarrassed around his family, or anything else.  Just allow him to feel the consequences of his actions and do NOT take them on as yours.  Remember your side of the equation is being respectful, non-controlling, and relational…NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES.

The art of letting go is a very difficult skill to learn however, when you learn it, a whole new world opens up to you and your family. Stop yelling and instead step in with a calm strength; allow life’s consequences, as well as your own, to do the work.

CHALLENGE:  If you find yourself micro-managing your partner or frequently yelling at or contemptuously complaining about your partner’s irresponsibility--STOP. Work on getting healthier boundaries (read post on boundaries) and commit to take disrespect off the table.

Decide what you have control of, set a limit, follow through on the limit, and let go.

Comments

[edward church]

most men not all stereo types...."most men aren't
the same. and it is all depending life styles how ppl live ..if it is in a business type of life. I have a pension
and I do house work. and yes if I don't do the work in
house my wife will get mad.
if the clothes are not hung out or a time no floors are being washed and I sit here all the day to do things on face book.

while she works I get supper. I cook be there when her son is here and so forth. there was a thing that was said why most women do the things they do are by what men do to a women to make her feel that way. my sec wife where I live here in Canada is mean spirited when she is upset with me or mad something did not get done or expects me to find some thing she thinks it was there.

she is the type to walk out the door and slams it hard behind her. she is wicked when she is upset but she still cries when she is done being pissed. so I try to communicate with her
that is the best thing always to do. to me when ur married once you don't learn by the first person
when your divorced it hurts
but you learn to over come it and be with some one else and changed the things you done.And this my opinion to me.

[Amy]

I have been working on not reminding my husband multiple times to take care of something. I have learned that if it is really important and impacts me that I do it. But my question is, if I make this change and quit reminding him to do things that effect him, do you think I should tell him that I'm going to quit reminding him? For instance, he works casual, chooses his own hours, he likes me to choose them and give him the list, but then I usually remind him 3 or 4 times to turn it into the scheduler before that month gets too close, this month he was only 5 days before the month started!) I don't want this responsibility, do you suggest, I tell him that, or just quit doing it which might mean he does not get enough hours for the month, which does effect me and our finances? I hate micromanaging, but honestly if I don't nothing gets done and that does effect me and my kids.
LISA'S REPLY: Great question. Always tell him when you are going to change a behavior so he has a heads up and can decide what he's going to do. If you just stop doing something you can't expect him to just know that the rules have changed.

Also you want to relaize that change may take a little time so you want to be prepared that initially he may not step up and have enough hours. It will take him a couple months to adjust and to see if you really mean what you say. If however he doesn't get back on track then I would ask him to contract with you to set his schedule by the 15th of every month (or he picks a certain date). You agree to not say anything until that date at which time you ask him if he did it. The agreement is if he says no then he has to sit down right then in front of you to do it. If he did do it, show your appreciation.

This contracting is called a "what if" contract. It's a great tool for couples who struggle with constant reminders and lack of follow through. Agree on the behavior and have a set time it will be completed, then agree that if it doesn't get done then (fill in the blank) will happen.
Good luck-Lisa

[sarfraz ahmad]

I read your article. It's good .