CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part I): GET OFF MY BACK!!! DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT IN THE EYES OF YOUR PARTNER?

A NOTE TO MEN…

 

One of the most common complaints I hear from men is they can’t do anything right.  They swear that no matter what they do--even if they do exactly what their partner asked them to do--it’s not good enough.  They are adamant that their partner will either complain about what they just did, or she will come up with a list of ten more things to get done.  The women believe that if the men would just do what they say they’re going to do--and do it right--then they wouldn’t have to complain.

 

Sound familiar?  If so, then you’re not alone, I hear this story again and again.  In fact, it’s wreaking havoc in many relationships.  The men see the women as insatiable shrews and the women see the men as irresponsible slackers.  So what’s a couple to do? 

 

Let’s start with the men:  I see that men repeatedly agree to do things--to get their partner’s off their backs.  They say yes in the moment, when they have no intention of following through any time soon.  They’re tired, they want to relax, and the last thing they want to do is get into an argument about whether or not they’re going to mow the lawn.  Yes is the fastest route to calm…for now.  

 

Unfortunately that moment passes, and the yes that got her off your back originally now has her clutching to your back like an enraged tiger. 

 

Men, your work is to make sure your yes is a yes, and if not…SAY NO.  Stop ducking, and start being clear with your answer.  If it’s going to lead to conflict, then deal with the conflict in a respectful way--directly.  Be clear about what you can do, and negotiate the rest.  If you are exhausted, stressed, and running on E, then tell your partner this and offer alternatives (i.e., hire someone, pay the kids to help, break it into manageable pieces, etc.). 

 

Whatever you do, don’t say yes when you mean no.  When you do mean yes, do the task well and in a timely fashion.  Don’t do a mediocre job or take months to finish something and then complain that she’s never satisfied.  Try doing a good job before you determine that she’s insatiable.

 

If you do a good job, you get it done within the agreed-upon time frame and you do it with a good spirit.  Then you’ve done your part.  Be proud of the fact that you had integrity with your words and actions. 

 

If your partner still complains, then hold her accountable and make a request.  For example, if you just finished a project and she’s already telling you to do the next one, you could say, “Sue, I just completed this project and I would like for you to acknowledge my work and show appreciation rather than moving onto the next project.  I also would like us to agree that we both will be spending some of our weekends relaxing and doing no projects.”

 

Remember:  There’s nothing you can do about your partner’s side of the equation, just make sure that on your side, you have integrity in your words and actions.

 

…my next post will deal with her side of the equationJ.

 

CHALLENGE: Make sure you only say yes when you mean yes and…follow through (in a timely manner).  When you agree to do something, do your best work.  Also, pay attention to your partner’s complaints.  Ask yourself if they’re exaggerated but true, and if they’re true, then fix it. 

 

Comments

[Chris]

An alternative for "the woman": As an experiment, why not just silently let the lawn grow tall until it REALLY needs to be mowed? Maybe then the man will feel a stronger sense of ownership of the task. Or, maybe she'll learn that she really doesn't need the lawn mowed as much as she had thought?

Maybe the man just prefers a naturally wild field over a manicured golf course, and they need to both understand each others' deeper conflicting needs?

I think experimentation - trying the unfamiliar - can be a wonderful spice for relationships and life. It doesn't always have to be just "yes" or "no."

[Bea]

How about when this is happening in the oppsoite? The woman feels like she can't do enough or anything right.

[Michael]

The author's point is correct and can be supported biblically. For example, James 5:12 says "Above all, my beloved, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your "Yes" be yes and your "No" be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation." This applies very well to the consequences of not keeping promises. In my opinion, the most hated word in the English language is NO. This becomes a problem for people who expect have their way because they don't like to take no for an answer. My point is that even saying no with integrity won't save you from conflict with the opposite sex.

[ALFONZO OLIVER]

The problem is we men sometimes listen to women talk but we don't hear what's really being said. Because they don't know or understand that hearing and listening are 2 different things. Listening is the Charlie Brown deal(wah wah wah wah wah).Hearing is actulally hearing the silent conversation,(I really would like you to mow the lawn you've been putting it off for weeks,I know that you're tired but something needs to be done ,how can we solve this?) It's all about keeping it real, most of us guys know what we're doing when we do it the problem is guys, women think twice as fast as we do and that kind of crap usually don't fly for long.So really guys make sure no is no and yes is yes,mkay?