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4 posts from May 2008

May 28, 2008

WOMEN AND RELATIONSHIPS: THE INEFFECTIVENESS OF OVER SHOOTING AND UNDERSHOOTING

Women often fight immoderately--either overshooting or undershooting.  When they overshoot, they yell, control, go on and on incessantly, or make repeated empty threats, all of which are ineffective.  When women undershoot, they accommodate, say yes when they mean no, take whatever they’re given, and either shut down, distance, get resentful, or get depressed. 

 

Instead, women need to get healthier within themselves. They need to believe in themselves, trust that they deserve to be treated well, know that others also deserve to be treated well, then stand in confidence behind these beliefs. 

 

Standing in confidence means not settling for less-than-respectful behaviors, standing up for yourself when others are off, and surrounding yourself with people who treat you well and cherish you.  It also means treating others respectfully at all times--even in anger; stating calmly, respectfully, and firmly what you’re upset about; and setting a limit rather than blasting others.  It means being clear about what you want and need without stomping on others, nagging, or making empty threats.

 

Continue reading "WOMEN AND RELATIONSHIPS: THE INEFFECTIVENESS OF OVER SHOOTING AND UNDERSHOOTING" »

May 16, 2008

CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part II): GET OFF YOUR BACK??? HOW ABOUT ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING AND THEN I’LL GET OFF YOUR BACK--DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?!

A NOTE TO WOMEN

In my previous post I wrote about men feeling as though they can never do anything good enough for their partners.  My suggestion was for them to make sure that when they say they’re going to do something that they not only actually do it, but they also make sure to do it well. 

Now it’s time to look at the woman’s side of this equation--the frequent criticisms, anger, and control.  Let me start by saying… “I get it”; I totally get that when you have to ask your partner to do something a thousand times before he does it (if he does it at all), it can be frustrating…to say the least.  I also get that if your partner truly is irresponsible and either doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do, or if he does a mediocre job at best when he does do something, that it’s beyond frustrating.  I get it--I really do. 

AND… your response to what he does or does not do is equally as important and impactful to your relationship as his actions are.  Regardless of whether he is doing what he says he will do or doing it well, you still have to be respectful.  His irresponsibility does not justify your being controlling, critical, and contemptuous. 

Continue reading "CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part II): GET OFF YOUR BACK??? HOW ABOUT ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING AND THEN I’LL GET OFF YOUR BACK--DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?! " »

May 11, 2008

CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part I): GET OFF MY BACK!!! DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT IN THE EYES OF YOUR PARTNER?

A NOTE TO MEN…

 

One of the most common complaints I hear from men is they can’t do anything right.  They swear that no matter what they do--even if they do exactly what their partner asked them to do--it’s not good enough.  They are adamant that their partner will either complain about what they just did, or she will come up with a list of ten more things to get done.  The women believe that if the men would just do what they say they’re going to do--and do it right--then they wouldn’t have to complain.

 

Sound familiar?  If so, then you’re not alone, I hear this story again and again.  In fact, it’s wreaking havoc in many relationships.  The men see the women as insatiable shrews and the women see the men as irresponsible slackers.  So what’s a couple to do? 

 

Let’s start with the men:  I see that men repeatedly agree to do things--to get their partner’s off their backs.  They say yes in the moment, when they have no intention of following through any time soon.  They’re tired, they want to relax, and the last thing they want to do is get into an argument about whether or not they’re going to mow the lawn.  Yes is the fastest route to calm…for now.  

Continue reading "CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part I): GET OFF MY BACK!!! DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT IN THE EYES OF YOUR PARTNER? " »

May 06, 2008

TIPS TO HELP COOL YOUR ANGER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Anger is a common problem for many people in relationships, and it is toxic when not controlled.  Individuals are struggling with it, children are emulating it, and couples are separating because of it.

If you’re interested in a mutually energizing relationship, then it’s time to start controlling your anger and stop allowing your anger to control you.  If you truly want to change your relationship and you struggle with anger, then you have to work it.

The first step to controlling your anger (after you realize it’s a problem) is to change your beliefs about anger.  Here are several beliefs to adopt to help you get it under control:

Continue reading "TIPS TO HELP COOL YOUR ANGER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP" »

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