TIPS TO HELP COOL YOUR ANGER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Anger is a common problem for many people in relationships, and it is toxic when not controlled.  Individuals are struggling with it, children are emulating it, and couples are separating because of it.

If you’re interested in a mutually energizing relationship, then it’s time to start controlling your anger and stop allowing your anger to control you.  If you truly want to change your relationship and you struggle with anger, then you have to work it.

The first step to controlling your anger (after you realize it’s a problem) is to change your beliefs about anger.  Here are several beliefs to adopt to help you get it under control:

• Every human being deserves to be treated with respect--at all times, by all people.  Period.  This includes you and your partner.
• People don’t make me mad, I make myself upset in response to what others do or don’t do.  Many people struggle with this belief because they are certain their partner “made” them mad.  The truth is that one day my partner could bump me and I’ll laugh at it and the next day he could bump me and I’ll get annoyed.  It’s the same bump, same behavior; however, my interpretation is different depending on my mood, my boundaries, etc.   He didn’t “make” me anything…he just bumped me.
• Words are just as hurtful as actions.  I once had a client say to me that he believed the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.”  This is a crazy notion that will get you on the fast track to divorce.  Words may not hurt YOU, but I’m betting that if you’re being emotionally hurtful to your partner, they hurt him/her…and subsequently your relationship.  Stop minimizing the toxicity of your words and know that when you choose to let yourself shoot verbal ammunition at your partner…those shots hurt.

Other people’s behavior does not justify my own.  This is another difficult belief for people to take in because they believe that if their partner is mean, they have the right to be mean right back.  This is called retaliation.  You can’t be relational and retaliating at the same time.  Often retaliation can get couples into a vicious loop of pain.  You can speak to your partner’s hurtful anger, you can set limits on it, and you can even choose to walk away from it…what you can’t do, however, is mirror it.  When you mirror your partner’s rage, that just leaves two out-of-control people instead of one.

Once you’ve adopted these rules and commit to incorporating them into your relationship, you have to try various things to help settle yourself down.  First, it’s helpful for you to pay attention to when you’re getting angry.  

Some clues that you’re getting angry:

• The hairs on the back of your neck feel like they are standing on endJ.  You can feel yourself tightening and tensing up.
• You get defensive about someone’s feedback.
• You start elevating your voice.
• Your face feels flushed.
• You start speaking at a faster and louder pace.

Clues that your anger is getting out of control and over the top:

• You start making sarcastic remarks or overt digs.
• You start pointing your finger at, or putting your body and face directly in front of, the other person.  You may even notice the other person back up and try to create a distance from you.
• You’re name calling, swearing, or belittling someone.
• The person you are speaking to says you’re angry or asks you to change your tone.
• You slam your fist on a table, into a wall, or raise it in the air in a threatening way.
• You throw, kick, or smash anything in anger, including slamming doors.
• You intimidate, threaten, or attempt to scare someone into shutting up or doing as you say.
• You begin to drive erratically: swerving lanes, honking horn, shooting the finger, speeding up, tailgating, etc.

When you catch yourself doing any of the above (or others that are more specific to you), you need to step in and remind yourself that you never have the right to be disrespectful to anyone, at any time.  (Note:  If your life is at risk, you obviously have the right to do what ever you need to do to keep yourself safe…that is not disrespect; it is survival and protection.).

If you’re struggling with being moderate with your anger, take the following steps to cool down:

• BREATHE…let me say that again…BREATHE.  Take in a slow deep breath, hold to the count of four, and release just as slowly to the count of four.  Do this two to three times to help slow down your heart rate and get centered so you can act versus react.
• SHUT YOUR MOUTH.  Too many people get angry and then just start firing off the most horrific things before they even have time to think about the impact of their words.  It is easier to not open your mouth at all  than it is to open it and then try to control what comes out of it.   You can spew things at your partner,  but not without a cost to you and your relationship.
• TAKE SPACE.  If you are too heated to be respectful, get out of the situation and cool off.  Tell your partner you need to take a time out and go calm down.  Do NOT go and stew!!!  Take space and remind yourself of the core beliefs at the top.  Do not obsess about what an obnoxious (fill in the blank) your partner is; that will not help you calm down.  You are taking space so that you can be civil and handle your emotions in a respectful, adult way.
• DISTRACT yourself.  Take a walk, take a shower, call a friend (one who will not tell you to go off on your partner), kick a soccer ball, take a run, journal, write a letter (that you do NOT send), etc.  Figure out what works for you and implement it whenever you can feel yourself escalate.

When I was younger the only thing that worked for me was shooting the soccer ball.  I could totally go off on the ball while I was arguing to myself about what just happened.  I’m sure it was quite comical to watch me but it was the only thing that helped.  Now I’ll jump on the treadmill, take a walk, or do something active to get my energy out.  You have to figure out if you need to be active to calm yourself or if you need to process via writing, journaling, or talking to a friend.  If you don’t know, then play with it and figure it out.

Okay, these are some basic tips for handling your anger.  The first step to controlling your anger is…admitting you have a problem.  If it’s an issue in your relationship, then guess what--you have a problem.  My suggestion is that you deal with it now before it destroys the things you care about most.  The choice is up to you.

CHALLENGE:  If you struggle with anger, figure out where you need to start (a belief, awareness of when angry, signs you’re over the top, or intervening), and focus on that area until you feel ready to move on to the next one.  If you’re not sure if you have a problem with anger, ask your partner…and take in their response without getting angry about what they said.

Comments

[jawana]

I'm a really good person and I go through alot of stuff in life like helping other people and taking on there problems. I dont have anybody I can go to to let out my feelings. So when me and my boyfriend get into it, it's really a heated thing. We say things to try to hurt each other and I'm trying to learn to not let him get to me. I try to walk away but it seems when I do that it just make me madder. What should I do to calm down?
LISA'S REPLY: The first thing you need to do is walk away and distract yourself. Breathe, talk a walk around the block, go get a tea/coffee/soda etc., take a jog, or do something besides think about what you were just angry about. If you walk away and just stew about the issue, then it will intensify it. You have to focus on calming down before you focus on addressing the issue. Talk yourself down adn notice how reactive you're getting--that's your fault not his. Tell yourself this and commit to getting back to a calm place.
If nothing helps, you may need to get into therapy or an anger management group (typically therapy works best).
Take care-Lisa

[Nichole Easley]

I need so more info. on this. I have notice that I have started to yell a lot here lately. It doesn't matter who it is, it could be my kids asking me something or my boyfriend. I used to not be this bad. I have a lot of stress now maybe that why I get in the moods that I do.
I just need something i could try out.
Thanks

[Nichole Easley]

I need so more info. on this. I have notice that I have started to yell a lot here lately. It doesn't matter who it is, it could be my kids asking me something or my boyfriend. I used to not be this bad. I have a lot of stress now maybe that's why I get in the moods that I do.
I just need something I could try out.
Thanks

LISA'S REPLY: Choose some steps from this post and see if you can incorporate them. If not, seek therapy to help you with the stress. Yoga is also very helpful for stress and calm.
Remember that you need to take better care of yourself in order to take good care of your children.
Regards-Lisa

good on paper hard to practice

[ANGELIQUE]

WOW!I HAVE TO SAY THAT THIS ARTICLE WAS AMAZING.I HAVE A HARD TIME CONTROLLING MY ANGER AND THIS HELPED ALOT.IF YOU HAVE A BOOK ON THIS PLEASE LET ME KNOW.I MOOD CHANGES LIKE A FLICK OF A SWITCH,IT DEFFINATLY HAS TAKING A TOLL ON MY MARRIAGE.I WILL TAKE THIS TIPS AND HOPE THEY HELP.

[jennifer]

wow!!!! I have a hard time controling my mouth when my partner starts nagging at me and feel that reading this article has already helped me out plenty. I'm new here and will be logging in more often to read your articles....thank you

[jim]

God i wish i would have read more of this before my relationship went bad. She is a great woman and i let circumstances get to me . Very good article

[alexa]

Hi:
Ask yourself:"Why are you angry?"
Look inside yourself to find any pattern. You may be able to recognize triggers
When the mood is right, please discuss the matter in a reasonable way.
Emotional response to a situation is normal, but think before speaking.

Anger is best managed with good communication.

[shayb]

This is very helpful info. My fiance and I are now going through this very situation. Anger. It has bassically destroyed our relationship. I want to fix it, I fear it is to late.

[edward church]

When I was younger I had problems coping with other ppl.............."
and when I got married my problems came with me. When I was a boy growing up I wrote a lot how I felt. I wrote poetry, drew pictures, and played cords on the guitar. These were great ways to calm my nerves. Now I am not like that any more and I am not in a place that I am around other ppl who are like that but even if your married by being mad with the wifes mom or sister at some points and doing things bad sometimes
makes things worse. Once you have changed that ppl like them you do stuff too never forgets you.

When you once realize that it is too late to repair it once your divorced or lost your children to a bad marriage keeping your cool has to do a lot with how you live. Communication is the key issue of a relationship at times how ever we don't realize what we do until we see it. You can ask for forgiveness for what you did
but at the same time its up to them if they want to forgive you.

Then you have to go on and learn to be a better person by not using anger to hurt others.

Give peace to your self and give stillness a chance to be with in your self and be conscious about what you do.

[edward church]

I think it is the most advice any one can take what I had read I was a really bad person
at one time I lost it all cause of anger and showing that I did not loved the person too until I learned my wife has this problem shutting the door hard when she is mad or she is angry she is a French Canadian from Canada I live with her in her country ...she say things out of joking with me using defensive words and talking about my personal areas at times.