WOMEN AND RELATIONSHIPS: THE INEFFECTIVENESS OF OVER SHOOTING AND UNDERSHOOTING

Women often fight immoderately--either overshooting or undershooting.  When they overshoot, they yell, control, go on and on incessantly, or make repeated empty threats, all of which are ineffective.  When women undershoot, they accommodate, say yes when they mean no, take whatever they’re given, and either shut down, distance, get resentful, or get depressed. 

 

Instead, women need to get healthier within themselves. They need to believe in themselves, trust that they deserve to be treated well, know that others also deserve to be treated well, then stand in confidence behind these beliefs. 

 

Standing in confidence means not settling for less-than-respectful behaviors, standing up for yourself when others are off, and surrounding yourself with people who treat you well and cherish you.  It also means treating others respectfully at all times--even in anger; stating calmly, respectfully, and firmly what you’re upset about; and setting a limit rather than blasting others.  It means being clear about what you want and need without stomping on others, nagging, or making empty threats.

 

I hear from women all the time that men are entitled and come to the plate with the freedom to leave, with the power of privilege.  Women also have the freedom to leave.  The difference is they make that choice much less often and with a great deal of struggle.

 

It’s no surprise that men have power and privilege in our culture…however, women have more power than they realize.  In fact, at times they actively give their power away.  We can’t look at men’s entitlement and power without looking at women’s subservience and abdication.  We can’t be treated poorly time and time again by our partner unless we allow ourselves to be treated poorly time and time again.  This is true for our bosses, children, friends, and anyone else in our inner circle.

 

Women hand over their power again and again.  They rationalize why they’re in the relationships they’re in; all the while they keep themselves stuck.  I see women begin to address an issue with their partner and then drop it--as though it’s not worth the effort.  She rationalizes her quitting because:  He’s trying but just “can’t” do it, he’s a good guy, the kids would be hurt if she left, he’s stressed, she’s too tired, and on and on.  The end result is that women accept poor treatment, bad marriages, disrespectful kids, bullying bosses…as though these are OK.

 

Women listen up…IT’S NOT OK!  Stop giving up or blowing up and take on the fight--every time…with a calm strength.  The longer you abdicate your power (to anyone) by saying nothing in response to someone’s contempt or disrespect, you imply that their actions are OK.  You teach them that you are not worthy of being treated well.  If you won’t stand up for yourself, then why should they?  If you don’t think it’s important for others to treat you well, and back that belief up with your actions, then why would they treat you well?

 

The longer you accept disrespect and poor treatment--from anyone including your boss, child, friend, or partner--the stronger the message to both you and them, that you are insignificant.

 

STOP IT…you are not insignificant.  You deserve to be treated well AT ALL TIMES, BY ALL PEOPLE.  Until you know this and live by it, your relationships are bound to be difficult.

 

Your first choice needs to be standing up in a marriage not running away from a marriage.  Make the choice that you are worth the fight--every time--and then step in whole heartedly and relationally. 

 

CHALLENGE:  It’s a privilege to be in my inner circle and only those who treat me well get to enter that circle and remain in that circle.   Place this rule on a 3x5 card and paste it where you can see it daily.  Read it every day and begin to center your relationships on this belief. 

 

Comments

[Chris]

Hi Lisa,

I found this article challenging to read since it seemed to not apply to relationships where both the woman and man are behaving grandiosely.

When I replaced "women" with "my wife and I," it seemed much more applicable to, and helpful for, our situation.

Thanks so much for continuing with this wonderful blog - I eagerly wait for new posts each day. I wish more relationship counselors had your courage! :)

Thanks,
Chris

[Ashely Miller]

I think this article should be available to all single mothers who are struggling to raise children and hold down a job, school, and their selfs. I think it would be great for you to hold a seminar in low-income areas and any where else women are struggling. I would like for you to visit churches and community centers to give women hope and enpowerment that we are lacking today.

[Jennifer]

I think that this is a great way to help many women. I know women who stay in relationships because they feel helpless and insecure due to their husbands and boyfriends. There are people in my life that I have called "friend" because they are actually my husband's friends and their wives who have been very critical, untrustworthy, and downright mean-spirited. I rarely stick up for myself because I know that these people will be in my life and I can't change that. But they aren't my friends, in fact, I don't even like them. I usually don't say what I really feel at the time they make rude remarks or whatever and then stew for a few days thinking "I should have said..." After reading this it truely makes me think they aren't worth my time or my feelings. Thank you for that. I will write that down and look at it every day from now on.

[Dorothy]

I have learned a lot over the years, and am still learning. I am 50 plus, and starting a new relationship. This is allowing me to know that I am on the right track, I also think my daughter will appreciate this article very much. Thank You

[Ken C.]

The great value of womanhood and the great value of women increases with each week. I see nature and all things reveal the value of the nest, the home, women, and God's hands where life begins. Women is where life begins. Men should see this as a concept to uphold on all levels of the conceiving and nurturing of life. I do not hold men to realizing this as young men seeking the love of a woman or or as a young husband with his first child. Some women do not see the value of themselves not as "things" to give birth and nurture but as revelations of God's hands in which life was formed. It is the hands of the husband and the wife that good relationships and marriages are made. Why shouldn't they pray for God's guidance in making their joining as one a revelation of Heaven on earth?

[ANGELIQUE]

I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT THIS HIT VERY CLOSE TO HOME.I AM GLAD I READ THIS ARTICLE,IT HELPED PUT THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE.THANK YOU

[Lynne]

Hi there. I have just come across your blog. I totally agree with you on the over and under shooting aspect. I am in a relationship where my husband talks over me and when i get frustrated at not being able to express myself, he then tries to force me to say what i want, but how he wants me to say it. very controlling. This is extremely hard to overcome and keep a balance and my own self respect. I am very close to leaving this marriage.

[Tim Johnson]

I've now read several of these blogs. This is pretty dangerous stuff. Your opinion is basically that it's never the woman's fault or flaws that causes the problems. You characterize pretty much everything as the man's fault and the woman rising up to right some perceived wrongs. I see this sort of mumbo jumbo having bad effects in many of my friends' marriages, from both sexes, after they have gone to some off-base marriage counselor.

LISA'S REPLY: Thanks for taking the time to write your comment since it's good to hear how people interpret my writing. If the impression you're getting is it's all the men's fault, I couldn't disagree more. I believe both men and women can be off in relationships. What I notice is that women think they're actions are the result of the men's and they therefore justify thier behavior. This is a key thing I try to change and work with. If that point did not get across in this or other posts then I will look at that.
I do not believe that all problems in marraiges however are equal or 50-50. I have seen many marriage counselors try to work like that and I believe that does an injustice to couples. I have seen many marriages where the women are more blatant than the men and to not address that would be irresponsible. I have also seen many marraiges where the men are more blatant and relationally irresponsible--in which case I would address his behaviors.
Lisa