ADDICTIONS AND RELATIONSHIPS

Addiction is toxic to families.  Regardless of which family member is the addict, all family members suffer.  Once a family member is under the grip of addiction, the entire family’s life gets turned upside down.  Regardless of what the addiction is (i.e. alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, etc.) it’s an incredibly painful situation to watch and to live in.

 

The change in moods, erratic behavior, and lies are particularly hard on families.  People can’t believe their loved ones would lie straight to their face. They can’t believe that s/he won’t just wake up one day and realize they are going down the wrong path and just change back.  They want to believe more than anything that their loved one will get it and go back to who and how they used to be…and so they wait…and they trust…and they wait…and they trust…and they…get burned.

 

If I could give families one piece of advice on addiction it would this:  DO NOT WAIT.  Get them into treatment as early as possible and with the best, most reputable addictions specialist as possible.  Do not play with fire; addiction will intensify in the blink of an eye.  If you’re premature, there’s no harm done; if you’re slow to act, you’re looking at a possible lifetime of fighting an uphill battle.  

 

If you have a twelve year old whose smoking pot--get him/her into treatment (even if it’s the first time s/he has smoked).  Don’t believe your child when s/he says it’s not their pot; that’s the oldest line in the book and you need to play hardball with drugs.  If you believe your spouse has a drug or alcohol problem--put your foot down and do an intervention to get him/her into treatment…then get yourself to Alanon (a support group for family members of addicts).  If you’re unsure how to get your partner into treatment then get into therapy yourself with an addictions specialist…and get into Alanon.  If you’re not sure if your partner has an addiction, go seek help to find out.

 

Too many families have lost marriages, houses, and the lives of their loved ones; don’t let your family become one of the statistics.  Addicts lie.  Addicts steal.  Addicts are gripped by a force greater than themselves.  Trust your instincts, not the addict’s words.  Do what you must to protect you and your family from the toxicity of addiction.

 

If you are worried about a family member DO NOT WAIT to seek treatment.  The cost of seeking treatment early is nil; the cost of waiting can be life threatening.

 

CHALLENGE:   If someone in your family is struggling with addiction, get yourself into Alanon.  Call this number for meetings in your area (888) 425-2666.  If you are struggling with an addiction personally, call The National Alcohol and Substance Abuse Information Center hotline: (800) 784-6776.  They will provide you with whatever information you need to help with treatment.

 

Comments

[`yvonne]

You can not be an addict who is clean and sober and live with someone who is still using. I know this first hand AND IT IS TAKING MY WHOLE FAMILY DOWN. To make a long story short I didnt use but he is in jail and I have 3 kids all by myself. Now luckily I go to alanon and it helps. Unless your partner stops all will end in a big mess!

[Amanda S. Alcorn]

Dear Amber, I feel your pain! I do not wish the anguish and heartache on my worst enemy. I have been in my relationship off and on since high school...(15 yrs.) I am now 31 yrs. old and still struggling. About 9 months ago,he entered into a christian recovery home program and changed our lives into almost a fairytail!! I was on top of the world. After 4 months in the program, he came home and we got married. Things seemed great and we were so happy...then he fell. Relapsed. He got back up and got back on track for about a month and fell again over the 4th of July holiday. I am devistated...the only thing that gets me through is my faith and relationship with Jesus Christ. God bless anyone going through a situation like this and I will keep you in my prayers. Amanda

[Linda Price]

I was married 20 years to a possibly bipolar and alcoholic person. He was very moody, refused to admit during counseling that he drank, and was depressed alot. After living a very lonely life and I was very tired emotionally and spiritually I decided intervention was the only way.

After his treatment he was very bitter and angry and wanted a divorce. He was a complete stranger to me and said he never loved me and no one else would because I was fat and old. ( I am 62 now and a size 12) That was 18 years ago.

I am now remarried to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen! He is a recovered alcoholic of 18 years..so there is hope to all the women out there who have given up hope for love in their life. DON'T GIVE UP. If you have done all you can to keep the marriage together then it is time to start over and renew yourself.

[Janie]

I am a 41 year old Female who has battled alcoholism most of my life. My parent's were both alcoholic's. When my father died in a tragic car accident my mother climbed in the bottle, I was only 9 years old, left alone with my 2 older brothers most of the time. Over time I learned that this "DRINK" made all of my problems disappear. I attended AA for several years, to leave a meeting and go get drunk. My counselor would tell me, "Janie, you will never quit drinking until you find the desire". I just couldn't understand, "DESIRE"-until one day I found it. There after it seemed so simple. But, It wasn't. I soon learned that what I've done is substituted one addiction with another. Soon I started using drugs. I felt so good about myself for not drinking, that I got high on prosperity. The thought of doing so good was too much. I had to have something to substitute that high. I became addicted to "Meth". Also, known as "CRANK". Today I battle it but am proud to say, "I've won the fight at almost 42 years old. I no longer use but, am still an addict. I've been clean 1year now and am on top of the world.

[kathy]

I have bi-polar myself and I can tell you right now that is a breaker-upper for sure. The man I was with for almost 7 years put up with my mood swings, manic episodes and depression. I had found out recently that I had early signs of heart disease and that did it. I ran into a manic episode for 3 months. For the first time I became very unpredictable and sometimes didnt remember everything I did and said. I am and always have been on the proper medication, but my moods bled through my manic phase. If anyone reading this has bi-polar - watch out! It's the devils' disease!

[ALFONZO]

I have experienced the ultimate horror, my wife of 15yrs was the love of my life. She was bi-polar and had her mental iissues but drugs weren't one of them until she went to a group threapy session at a local mental health facility and ran into the wrong guy. She already had addiction problems (sexual) that were under control somewhat, but along came this fool that saw a chance to do something stupid.

He invited her to his house one day after the daily group sessions and was smoking crack. For some reason she wound up smoking crack with him. It was a shock to me simply because she had left her ex-boyfriend for the same reason.

The bad part is; I wound up doing it with her after 10years of being sober. I tried to get help after trying to stop her myself but I couldn't do it(duh)so; what did I do? I caught myself doing it with her because she started hanging out in houses with people that were not cool. The only way to keep her safe and to keep my eye on her was to party with her; at least that's what I told myself.

Long story short, we are no longer together because the drug got in the way of the love that we shared. The only thing that she loved at that point was the drug. I miis what we had but we can never be together again.
I know that your advice is true. I am alone now and struggling with my addiction alone but I'm winning.

It's hard when you have to mourn the loss of a loved one that is still alive because the way I look at it those two people died when the drugs got in the middle of the relationship. If there's someone out there in the same situation, STOP IT!

LISA'S REPLY: Alfonzo, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'ver heard similar stories from others and I'm sure there are many more people out there who can relate. Your story will be helpful to them.

I'm sorry your relationship was so painful and am happy to hear that you are on the road to recovery and did not allow your partner to pull you down and keep you down.

Hang tough with your sobriety.
Regards-Lisa

[Theresa]

Addictions in any relationship, weather its with your child, mother, father, sibling or a person your in love with, is damaging. I've been in one on and off for six years and I know what effect it has on people. But it seems to me, the reason we allow ourselves to get into these types of relationships is because we grew up in a dsyfunctional family. I never knew what a normal relationship was and still am learning today through Thresholds Drug and alcohol counseling program.

[amber]

I have stuck by an acoholic for 18 years and I have seen it all and I don't know how to get out of it. I have seen every thing you have talked about I have lost myself in the process, and I have found how strong i really am.