BEING RELATIONAL EVEN WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS NOT PRESENT…THE IMPORTANCE OF AVOIDING PARTNER BASHING

It never ceases to amaze me how poorly people speak of their partners when not in their presence.  I hear women bad mouthing men in general, and their partners in specific, often.  I hear men making derogatory statements about their wives to their friends who laugh and give the “all knowing” men’s club look; you know, the one that says, “Oh yeah, we know how women can be” (nudge, nudge).  It seems the women are sure the men are no good, pigs, and the men think the women are irrational bitches.

Hmm, doesn’t seem to be a great recipe for love, respect, and partnership to me:  Does it to you?

Women and men, both, need to stop acting like adolescents and begin to be relational regarding each other--in front of the other sex, and behind their back.  If you go to your friends to talk about what a louse your husband is or what a bitch your wife is, the only thing that is likely to result, is further distance.  

Whenever a group of friends or acquaintances are joining around the ill of another gender, they are off.  If you’re in a group of women and you join in while they are degrading men, you are degrading your father, husband, brothers, sons, grandsons, etc.  Likewise, if you join in with a group of men in the degradation of women, you are degrading all women; your mother, wife, sisters, daughters, grand-daughters etc.

Grow up and be respectful, to all people and genders, at all times.  We are all human beings struggling to do the best we can.  We make mistakes because we are human, not because ALL women are… or ALL men are…   

If you don’t like something your partner did or does, go to your partner and discuss it with him/her.  If you need help figuring out how you want to handle something, speak to a friend who is going to hold you accountable for your piece and not just jump on the “bash your partner” bandwagon.  Ask your friend to help you problem solve, not just say it’s your partner’s fault; that may feel good in the moment but is certainly not going to help your marriage or your family.

Remember that the people closest to you are the ones you should be treating the best. Don’t bad mouth them, either to their face or behind their back;  when you do, it reflects poorly on you and your partner.

Partner bashing and gender bashing is a very easy trap to fall into… Have you ever found yourself getting caught up in this?

CHALLENGE:  Pay attention to how you speak about your partner when s/he is not in your presence.  Commit to not join in on gender bashing or partner bashing, under any circumstances, and see what you notice.

Comments

[kate]

A man who I have been seeing for several months told his sisters about a disagreement we had. Naturally they decided that I was completely at fault (per the jerk). They haven't even met me, but I would say that the childish behavior of this man in gossiping about me and looking for pats on the back from his family has put a knife in the back of this relationship and killed it. I'm done with him.

LISA'S REPLY: While I understand your upset, be careful of not reacting in anger. I suggest you sit him down and CALMLY discuss why this is upsetting to you. Perhaps you can both agree on what the rules are around this in the future.

Good Luck.

[vida]

I certainly agree with that!!! It doesn't help any relationships when both parties are bad mouthing each other...

[A]

This is something I have been paying attention to in my new relationship. I think it is something everyone needs to think about. Your friends lose respect for your significant other everytime you speak poorly of them. It's really just not worth it just to vent for a few minutes about something silly. THANK YOU for writing this article!

[leyte brown]

I agree with this completely, though I have been guilty of this myself. I know that by me doing this, I was and now feel like an idiot. We can bash our partners, behind their back/why? This doesn't solve anything. Unknowingly how can someone do or say things differently if they don't realize that it's not just forgotten, and that it makes you unhappy with your relationship?

[G]

I agree. Being deceitful only makes life HARDER! If it doesn't work, bless it and move on.

[Paul]

This all leads back to a recent article of yours. We must love and respect everyone all the time. Your spouse or significant other should be at the very top of that "love and respect" list of all humanity. How you treat them reflects on how you treat everyone.

[Bev]

My ex boyfriend went right out and told my friends that I was possessive and needy right after we broke up. When in fact it was the opposite and I broke up with him because he was also a womanizer. I did not bash him to his friends. Said nothing and went on with my life. I did vent to My friends tho and wonder if that was wrong. I was very hurt that he did that to me. I know he was hurting over the break-up and begged me back but I had enough and couldn't let myself be degraded anymore and he then got really mean and vulgar. It really hurt me.

[Lourdes]

I couldn't agree with you more. Really hate to hear women bashing their significant other behind their back.

[ANGELIQUE]

VERY GOOD POINT!