CHANGING ME, CHANGES WE: WORKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALL BY YOURSELF

It seems that as we get older, we get more and more stuck in our ways.  For example, if I get really upset at my husband I tend to get quiet and stew.  I do this every time I’m really triggered and acting unhealthy (which is not that often of courseJ).  The point is I keep trying the same move no matter how many times it hasn’t worked. 

It’s like I become the crazy foreigner who asks for directions and every time the person says s/he doesn’t speak English I repeat the same exact question only louder and more slowly; like all of a sudden the person is going to magically understand English.  My brain is stuck on one path in that moment and I think that perhaps if I keep doing the exact same thing, only with more gusto, it will help.

Unfortunately, doing the same thing repeatedly seldom helps.  In fact, it often leads to more frustration.  So, many years ago I figured out that if I wanted something to be different, I had to act differently.  I actually had to stop shutting down and stewing and instead try a new approach.    My new move inevitably forced a new move from my husband which was awesome and actually fun to experiment with.  When my new move resulted in a negative move on his part, I changed the move until I got a result I was happy with. 

 

This same approach can work with you--if you’re open to experimenting and thinking outside the box.  It’s about becoming skilled at changing your move.

For example:

• If you want your husband to be more affectionate, and every time you think about this, you complain that he’s not affectionate…change your move.  Try for two weeks to do the opposite and actually go out of your way to be more affectionate with him.  Any time he is affectionate, tell him how much you like that instead of saying you wish he would do that more often. 
• If you shut down every time your wife complains…change your move.  The next time she complains about something, tell her she’s right and you’re so sorry.  If that doesn’t work…try a different move.  When she complains, tell her you’re really glad she shared that with you because you don’t want her to be upset and it’s helpful for you to know how to help her.  Try each approach for one to two weeks before you shift tactics, and see what happens. 
• If you want your wife to be warmer and more loving yet being overly affectionate isn’t working…change your move.  Sit back a little and give her space.  Hold her hand rather than putting your hands all over her.  Snuggle without being sexual in any way, and tell her you enjoy just snuggling.  Change your move.

Although there are times when I still revert back to my old move, I do this much less frequently.  When I realize I'm doing it--and often getting poor results--I pause, step back, regroup, and...try a  new move.

 

Whenever there is more than one person involved, the interactions become intertwined.  What I do, will impact what you do, and vice versa.  The important thing is that you’re not tied to one move.  You need to be willing to try several different approaches and then take in the data.   Your change in step forces a change in step from your partner which creates a new dance.  Continue to tweak your steps until you begin to get a dance you both like.

CHALLENGE:  Choose a problem/issue you want to change in your relationship. and write down what the typical scenario is: what is your move and your partner’s subsequent move?  Next make a list of three possible different moves you can make to change this dynamic.  Choose one change from the list and implement it for one to two weeks.  If it doesn’t shift the dance to your liking, try a new move.

Comments

[Tina]

What about when my husband shuts down and doesn't want to talk when he's angry? Usually when he's mad he doesn't talk or makes snide comments to make me upset. He has told me that his mother was never really around growing up and no one has ever shown that they really appreciate him until me. But I do not know how to break this communication barrier when things are wrong.

[deb]

I have tried to change my responses to certain events in our marriage. But it feels as though I am loosing myself in the meantime. I used to be a very strong resourceful woman. Now I feel as though I have handed over everything. I try not to be opionionated because that causes conflict. His new thing is bashing my SUPERIORITY complex, as he says.

[Yu Ming Lui]

I agree with your article — doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result is a very common relationship mistake even the best of us make.

If one "move" doesn't work, we should try another. This applies to solving life's other problems, too.

[Rey]

Generally, the article is correct about changing behavior to get a change in other's behavior. However, not everyone can or is willing to always be the peacemaker who has to figure out the other person. It allows the other spouse to be lazy and not work on the relationship. The article's methods only work if both want to change and are working on it but must overcome programmed responses. It will not work in all instances.

LISA'S REPLY: I do not want people to be the peacemaker but rather be proactive in creating change. If one partner is being relationally "lazy" then the other partner needs to hold him/her accountable and not accept the laziness. It's a shift from playing the victim and feeling you have no control to taking responsibility for what you want. Once you know what you want, you're responsible for taking the steps you can take to make it happen.

[christopher lyde']

There is one thing that every one must stay true to, and that is being there when your mate is down cause if you can't do that then you need not to be in any relationship. Now, if you do have a mate that is at least trying to do the best they can then you need not push that person too hard cause that might be all they can do for that present moment and time. Don't put them down so much and don't compair to your last relationship; that will surly cause a problem.

[laura]

I was wondering about a different angle to this same problem. How do you learn to change verbal behaviors that aren't working? I find myself in a relationship where when things are worded the wrong way cause a very negative reaction from my partner. Is there a way to change the habit of blurting out the thought that pops into your mind before thinking through how it might be heard on the other end?

LISA'S REPLY: The only way to do this is to slow yourself down before you speak. Pay attention to what your message is and then be committed to staying calm and delivering the message is a way that your partner can hear it. If you're angry then wait until you're calm to speak. There's a post on speaking and listening...read the one on the feedback wheel to use as a template for difficult conversations.
Good luck!
Lisa

[Lisa]

I have been seeing someone now for about a year and for the last 3 months the communications lines have been very bad. My friend will talk to me one day and then he will not commute for about 3 days. He never says anything. He will talk only in spells. Is he hiding somthing because he was in a bad past long relationship before we started talking. My thing is if I am not wanted and I don't fit in why keep my in suspense. I mean is it hard for a man to tell you he doesn't want to see you if he knows you are a strong woman?

LISA'S REPLY: My question to youis why are you waiting to see if he wants you? Perhaps you could be asking yourself if you want a relationship with someone who doesn't talk to you or act as though he wants to be with.

Remember the decision to stay in this relationship is as much your decision as it is his.
Take care-Lisa

[jim]

I really liked this article but would have liked more depth. You see I just went thru a breakup and I am still not over it. I should have known better for it was a whirlwind of events but it felt so right and the lady is a good woman. There were just extenuating circumstances that I shouldn't have looked over. But I did and let myself go well in the process it cost me every thing from my truck house to the whole relationship. She has the house now and moved her new beau into a house that is in my name. Kinda of a hard pill to swallow but I did. I read all your articles now that I have found them. Don't stop maam they are a great help.

LISA'S REPLY: Thank you! I will keep then coming:-).