COP TO YOUR MISTAKES AND BOOST YOUR RELATIONSHIP

• Samantha asked her mother to please pick her up at school on time today since she has practice across town right after school.  Her mother immediately became defensive and started explaining all the reasons she’s late.  She told her daughter if she couldn’t handle her mother being a couple minutes late then perhaps she should find her own ride to practice.
• Tom came into my office utterly frustrated that his wife would not acknowledge anything she did and seldom if ever apologized.  He believed that all his wife did was complained.  He said that when he tries to discuss this with her she frequently turns it on him by saying she wouldn’t have to complain if he would just do what she asked.
• Sue is at her wits end with her husband’s snappy comments and subsequent defensiveness.  Every time she says she doesn’t like his tone, he gets defensive, says he didn’t have a tone, or blames her for not liking anything he does.

 

In all of these scenarios the couples are struggling with an accountability issue…and it’s eroding their relationships.  Many people struggle with taking ownership of their mistakes and instead they try to cover them up, blame them on someone or something else, rationalize them, or defend against them.  It’s as though the person believes that if they rationalize, justify, or defend their actions, it will trick their partner into thinking the action was okay.  WRONG. 

 

What it does do, is utterly frustrate the partner and create distance in the relationship.

 

If you are out of line in some area and your partner calls you on it, then please be adult enough to admit your wrong doing.  Don’t make two mistakes by trying to cover up the first one…that’s nutty.  Just cop to what you did, apologize, and ask if there’s anything you can do to repair it.  I promise you that 90% of the time this will disarm your partner, calm him/her down, and result in warm feelings from your partner; so much so, it will feel like magic.

 

Most of the time your partner just wants to feel heard and know that you get what s/he said.  Nobody’s perfect so stop trying to act as though you are--it’s highly unattractive.  If you’re so busy explaining all the ways you didn’t really do what you both know you did, then the last thing your partner is going to feel is heard.  Instead, s/he is going to feel frustrated, angry, and hopeless. 

 

If you don’t own it, then there’s a high probability that you will repeat it…and that knowledge is what makes your lack of accountability so difficult to take.  It means your partner is looking at a life-time of this same behavior; that’s a bit difficult for anyone to take. 

 

So grow up and own your mistakes.  This one move can create a huge shift in your relationship.  In fact, it’s one of the most cherishing things you can do in a relationship.  It feels amazing to your partner and it can be incredibly freeing to you.  It’s wonderful to not have to pretend we’re perfect all the time.  It’s also eye opening to realize we can admit we were wrong and actually feel closer to our partner as a result. 

 

CHALLENGE:  The next time your partner complains about something you did, close your mouth, take a slow, deep breath, and then acknowledge your piece.  Don’t rationalize, defend, turn it on your partner, or remotely deny your actions.  Simply acknowledge: “You’re right, I did do that.  I’m really sorry.”  Do your best to repair it and then notice what happens.

Comments

[Kathy]

I was in a marriage like this for almost 20 years. Recently we were together for a day and there were two incidents where the ex blew his top over nothing I had done but then proceeded to cut me down, curse and threaten me.
For years I apoligized for every 'supposed" mistake I made and all it got was more berating....
This is why he is my EX. So, take head couples....

[Teri]

I think that we all should try do right by each other. In that I mean ; would you want your mate talking to and going to lunch with a so called ex? Then don't you do it. 360 what goes comes.

[Valerie]

Great topic, Lisa. There is a very good book on this subject that helped me to understand why it is so hard for many people (including me) to admit when they have made a mistake: "Mistakes Were Made (but not by ME) - Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts" by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson. According to the book, it is partly physical (how our brains are wired), partly cultural (our children are taught to fear failure in school). They suggest that we memorize these words: "I made a mistake. I need to understand what went wrong. I don't want to make the same mistake again."

[keshia]

My boyfriend has been saying this to me too many times lately. Now that I see it here I agree and will follow it. Thank you.

[Maria]

I couldn't agree more with this article... What if you live with someone who takes absolutly zero accountability for his actions and words and also doesn't recognize the benefit when you take accountability for your bit? This is an extremely frusterating situation, as my taking accountability provides NO positives from him - other than him thinking he can then put ALL the blame on me. What do you do then? Walk away?

LISA'S REPLY: Then you ramp it up a bit in your relationship and be clear to him the impact his lack of accountability and blame is having on you. Every time he is negative or unaccountable what are you willing to do? Sit and figure that out and then implement it.

If after a couple weeks of doing this you see no change, try a different approach and see what happens. Finally, let him know that if he doesn't change this, you don't know how much longer you can stay in this relationship. Ask him to seek couples help and see if he's willing to work on your relationship.
Take care-Lisa

[Theresa]

I think you are so right on here, cause I live with a person who complains all the time. But if you seem to agree with her (my mother) she shuts right up.

[lisa]

great advice, now i just need to try to live by it and hopefully teach my children to live by the same rule.