Many people seem to think that when there is a problem in a relationship, getting married will make it disappear. I have no idea where this thought or fantasy came from but let me be clear…it is NOT true.
In fact, not only does marriage not cure what ails an ailing couple, it actually intensifies it. Put another way:
- Partners who are mean prior to marriage…get meaner after marriage.
- Drinking problems that were present before the marriage…often intensify after the marriage.
- A partner who cheats prior to the wedding date…is likely to cheat after the wedding date.
- Someone who stays out all night with his/her friends when dating…will probably stay all night when married.
The same is true for having children. I’ve heard many times, from many women, that her partner will settle down and get more responsible once they have children. Women have in fact had children for the main purpose of fixing their relationship.
Hello…that is crazy thinking. Marriage intensifies both the good and the bad in relationships; having children does the same.
If you want to get married, do so because you love your partner, you enjoy being in his/her presence, s/he treats you well, and you want to spend the rest of your life with this person because this relationship ROCKS!
Do not get married to someone in the hopes of changing him/her. Do not get married to someone because you think it will fix your relationship problems. And do not marry someone for his or her potential; marry the reality not the fantasy. You both will be happier for it…even if that means you decide to not get married to each other.
CHALLENGE: If you are struggling in your current dating relationship and contemplating getting married as a solution to those struggles…STOP. Do not expect marriage to save your relationship. Ask yourself why you are getting married and make sure the following three reasons are on that list…or don’t get married:
- I love my partner and enjoy being with him/her.
- My partner is loving, kind, and respectful to me. S/he has my back.
- I like who my partner is as a human being--in my presence and out of my presence--and want to spend the rest of my life with him/her.
Maybe you hate someone or something now, but in the future Allah (God) puts in many goods. Maybe you love someone or something today but in the future you hate them.
Posted by: Hany Yasin EL Wekeel | August 01, 2008 at 02:20 PM
Great Post.
As a divorcee who is now happily remarried, I'd add that getting married is, in fact, an opportunity to get to know yourself.
All of the things that bug you about your partner are really opportunities to work things out about yourself.
If I only had this perspective when I was younger...
Posted by: blitz | July 13, 2008 at 06:26 PM
True what was in this little article. I loved this women with all my heart. I did not fight clean. I got mad and said bad things that I wish I did not say.
We did not trust each other; both of us were married before and we both were not honest in that relationship . Most of her close female friends CHEAT on their husbands. Most of all of her male friends are GAY. Not don't have a problem with the gay male friends thing , but I do have a problem with all the cheating girl friend thing.
What broke the bank was a late night call from her boy friend who said some real vile stuff about there sexuall activities.
So ladies men do hurt and not all men are PIGS. I've made mistakes in the past but in this case I was a good dude so I guess it's true good guys finish last
LISA'S REPLY: It's unfortunate that what you learned from this relationship is that good guys finish last. Perhaps you were with an unhealthy woman who didn't know how to be relational? It also sounds like you were unhealthy and didn't know how to be relational. Work on getting healthier yourself. Learn to fight clean, watch what you say and how you say it, and be determined to be respectful at all times, to all people; then see what happens in your future relationships.
When people treat one another bad...they usually get treated poorly in response. Start working your side and I'm betting that you will start getting involve with people who treat you better.
Take care-Lisa
Posted by: Austin O Fields Jr | July 13, 2008 at 01:50 PM