RELAXATION AND RELATIONSHIPS: THE ART OF PUTTING RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE TASKS

Have you ever known anyone who just couldn’t sit down?  S/he would be folding the laundry, mowing the lawn, straightening up an already clean house, weeding, gardening, exercising, taking a bike ride, running to the store, washing the car, waxing the car…ugh, I’m tired just writing about it.  In essence this person does anything and everything except relax.  People who struggle with this constantly keep busy…and, as a result, they put tasks before relationships.

 

While I was away on vacation this past week, I noticed how difficult it was for some people to just relax.  They were constantly cleaning up after others, straightening chairs, getting people food, getting people drinks, setting the table, cleaning the table, moving the chairs, organizing a game, playing a game…and on and on.  It was exhausting watching them.  It can also be uncomfortable and distancing. 

 

Constant tasks often serve as a wall that keeps any kind of connection or intimacy at bay.

 

I see this with many of the couples I work with.  One partner is constantly on the go while the other partner is repeatedly asking for a little down time together.  The result…frustration, distance, and…a well-kept house.

 

I realize that life is stressful and there will always be something that needs to get done; however, putting tasks before relationships is a surefire way to hurt your relationships.  If you find yourself repeatedly saying one of the following when your partner asks you to join her or him, then you may need to rethink your priorities:

 

• “Let me just finish this one thing and then I’ll join you.”
• “I’ll be able to relax better if I get this done first.”
• “I can’t sit in this mess. Let me clean up a bit first.”
• “Sure, I’ll just do the laundry while we’re talking.”
• “Why don’t you come in here and you can talk while I’m cleaning out the closets?”
• “I’m sorry, I just have too much to do. Maybe another time.”

 

When you are constantly giving excuses to your family about why it’s so important for you to be busy, the bottom-line message you are giving is: Tasks are more important than relationships.  If you have children, this message gets infused into them. 

 

When you put tasks before relationships, your relationships suffer…no matter how clean your house looks.  Take a step back and make sure your actions are backing up the right priorities.

 

CHALLENGE:  If you struggle with the busy-ness affliction and would like to change it, the first step is get conscious of every time you put tasks in front of relationships.  Just watch.  Next, try one of the following and see what you notice:

• Set aside some free time every day that will be a “task-free zone.”
• Try to say yes to your partner or children’s request for your time at least one out of three times…before you finish the task at hand.
• Practice leaving some things undone for a short period of time and notice the feelings that come up.  Sit with the feelings and don’t run from them.
• Set aside time for your partner and your children and be fully present with them.

 

Comments

[Noelle]

Hey there, this couldnt be anymore close to me. I have OCD and I can never sit, it eats at me if I do and it finally drives me so crazy. My house is never dirty but I clean it every day, all day, if I'm there. It is taking a huge tole on my relationship and I dont know how to change it, but I will try harder. I'm just glad to know it's not just me and I'm not crazy.

[Amy]

Your articles are amazing. This describes me exactly. Yesterday I did so many tasks that I felt exhausted. I did sit down and play a game with my kids at the end of the day, but I was too exhausted to enjoy it and I did 3 things after the game too. You make a good point that this is a conscious priority choice that I am making.