HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: LOVE IS IN THE ACTION NOT THE THOUGHT

How many times have you heard someone say they’re not very affectionate, not much of a “feelings” person, or not one to wear their heart on their sleeve etc…?  I hear these statements all the time and they’re all cop outs. 

 

I’ve heard both men and women use these statements as a way of excusing their lack of warmth toward their partners.  In fact, I myself have used some of these very statements throughout much of my young adult life.  I did not want to be vulnerable and I certainly was not going to be the first one to share my feelings.  It wasn’t until my relationships ended (because my partners didn’t feel I cared about them) that I realized that vulnerability, emotional intimacy, and risk are a necessary part of loving relationships. 

 

Today, I see many people who haven’t learned the lesson I was fortunate enough to learn.  They continue to be invulnerable, self-guarded, and emotionally shut down—all to the detriment of their relationship.  They believe that simply being in the relationship, working hard to financially support the family, and being faithful, should be enough proof of their love.  It’s not.

 

People get into relationships because they want to share their life with a loving partner.  Gone are the days that marriages are arranged largely for cultural or financial reasons. In America, marriages happen because people want to share their life and love with a loving partner.  Today, more than ever before, people (women in particular) want a soul mate; they want someone to talk to, share their dreams with, work through their struggles with etc.  They want a loving, best friend.   Being emotionally walled off, unaffectionate, and invulnerable does not make for a loving partner.

 

If you are in a romantic relationship then it’s your responsibility to show your love with your words AND actions.  If you struggle with being vulnerable…then work on it, don’t rationalize it. If you struggle with sharing your feelings, then get a feelings journal and start paying attention to what you feel and why.  Share these feelings with your partner.  If you struggle with talking--tough; read the papers, watch the news, listen to your partner…and start being interesting to your partner by actually speaking.

 

Too many people get lazy in their relationships.  They take their relationship for granted and end up giving the best of themselves to their work.  That’s NOT relational. 

 

I’m watching marriages break up everyday.  It’s not enough for you to be in the home and faithful…you actually have to be emotionally present, warm, kind, and interesting.  Not all the time…but more times than not.  Due to higher wages, women now have the ability to leave cold marriages and still support themselves and their children.  Men are meeting women in the workplace who are supportive and kind to them.  The expectations are higher, across the board, for more fulfilling, loving relationships and when one partner doesn’t rise to the occasion, it’s only a matter of time before the other partner leaves.

 

Don’t make the same mistake so many other people have made or one day you’ll wake up alone.  Stop using excuses and instead…step-up and warm up.

 

CHALLENGE:  If you’re partner is frequently upset by your lack of connection, minimal communication, and/or lack of warmth, then instead of justifying it or saying you’re trying…actually do something about it.  Commit to saying two loving things a day to your partner until this becomes a habit and doesn’t feel so hard.  Pay attention to what s/he says and become part of the conversation rather than annoyed by having to listen.  Work your side 100% and see what happens.

Comments

[Herb]

I have gone through a divorce this past year for this "exact" reason. I was all talk and no action for so many years. Things just come to a grinding halt if you don't have the want/will to work at something. Unfortunately, it took me leaving her to realize just what kind of relationship we were both in. It's so ironic that I stumble on this and read it after what I've been through. I commend you for this article because those out there that are in relationships, it is most critical that you SHOW love and speak it too. I truly believe that "risking" your vulnrability, letting your guard down, more importantly your ego, that all whom are willing to do this and put that effort forth will have a relationship that will sustain anything that comes its' way. Divorce lawyers would be very slow right now should we "all" practice this and live it most of all.

[Frank]

I just went through this in my last relationship. The challenge when you're dating someone whom acts in this fashion is do you leave if you feel that your loved one will come around. I was asked, please give me some time. I was willing to do this, however, I have learned that when there is an imbalance in how you feel for each other conflicts arise. The person who cares more risks getting tormented for their feelings. You will break up not because the person was cold or emotionally unavailable, you end because the person became cruel or they could not understand why you feel the way you do. I must admit, I have done this and it has occured to me. Yes, I believe in what goes around comes around, however, the point is that I've learned from this. The bottom line is that your lack of feelings for someone does not justify mistreatment, you should be good to those who are good to you. This is a blessing.