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6 posts from August 2008

August 30, 2008

PART II: THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Quick tips (numbers six through ten) to get you on the right track

Here are the remaining five tips to help you start creating a healthier relationship with yourself.  Best of luck and let us know how it goes!

TIPS 6-10:

6.  Do not excuse abusive behavior for any reason.  Too often people make excuses for their partner’s inexcusable behaviors by saying s/he was stressed, drunk, not feeling well, hurt, upset, depressed, etc.  Stop the excuses.  It doesn’t matter why someone’s mean to you, what matters is that they are mean.  We’re all stressed, struggling, worried, etc., at some point in our lives, that doesn’t give us the right to take it out on other people.  They need to stop that behavior or you need to move on.

7.  Own your worth.  Every single human being in this world has the same inherent worth as the next one.  No one is worth any more than or less than anyone else.  Every person is either someone’s son or someone’s daughter; a life is a life.  We are all equal.  Know this, own this, and live by this.  You have a right to be on this planet and your presence impacts this planet.  If you struggle with this then use affirmations to help strengthen your sense of worth.  State twenty-five times a day, for thirty days, the following:  “I am absolutely worthy to be in this world and I deserve to be treated well, by all people, at all times.”

Continue reading "PART II: THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Quick tips (numbers six through ten) to get you on the right track" »

August 26, 2008

THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Five (of ten) quick tips to get you on the right track

Taking care of your is so vital to a healthy, fulfilling life that professionals, lay people, clergy, and even business organizations sing its praises.  The airlines stress it (put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then the children), therapists give it as homework (focus on positive self talk and affirmations), and life coaches center their businesses on helping clients achieve it (creating work and life balance).

Self care is vital to having healthy relationships yet so few people know how to do it.  Here are the first five quick, easy tips that will get you started on the right step for healthy relationships.  The next post will have the remaining five (in the spirit of keeping posts short but sweetJ).  Start incorporating these into your life today and feel the shift in your self and your relationships tomorrow.

1.  Remove ALL negative self talk from your life permanently.  When you make a mistake, look for the gift in it.  All mistakes have something to teach us so look for the lesson and stop with the put downs.  When you hear that inner voice calling you stupid, ugly, fat, or…(fill in the blank), silence it; don’t give it more than a second’s notice and remind your self that talking negatively is not going to help you or anyone else.

2.  Remove all disrespect from your life.  Know that you deserve to be treated well by all people, at all times…and settle for nothing less than that.  Also know that those around you deserve to be treated well at all times, by all people (including you) so do not be disrespectful to others under any circumstances either.

Continue reading "THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Five (of ten) quick tips to get you on the right track" »

August 19, 2008

WHAT’S YOUR LENS AND IS IT HELPING OR HURTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Often we have a view of our partner that does not serve our relationship well.  For example, if my view of my partner is that he’s selfish then, if I’m not careful, I can easily interpret 90% of his behaviors as selfish.

In essence I could create a “selfish” lens from which I view all his actions.  So if one day he forgets to take out the garbage, and another day he has a migraine and doesn’t take out the garbage, my lens doesn’t allow me to process the difference between those two different, yet seemingly same acts.  My lens leads me to assume the worst from my partner which leads to greater frustration and negative feelings, on my part.

Seldom is this negative lens present in the early stages of relationships.  In fact, when relationships are newer, we tend to see our partners through much rosier lenses; we’re more than happy to give our partner the benefit of the doubt.  We see our partner’s actions as mistakes or perhaps an oversight.  Rarely, at the beginning of a relationship, do we interpret our partner’s actions as out to get us, or selfish, or a sign of his or her lack of character.  We simply deal with the behavior and try not to make it a huge issue.

Continue reading "WHAT’S YOUR LENS AND IS IT HELPING OR HURTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP?" »

August 12, 2008

TRANSFORMING BAD RELATIONSHIPS INTO HEALTHY ONES: THERE'S NO QUICK FIX

People often talk about how unhappy they are in their relationships.  They complain about their poor sex life, lack of connection, mistreatment, their partner’s habits, and so on.  They wish things would change and say they are willing to do anything to make that change happen…until of course I tell them what to do.

In my experience, there are several distinct groups of individuals, two of which include:  those who want change and are willing to work like crazy to make change happen, and those who want…those around them to change.   The second group is looking for the magic pill or the quick fix.  They don’t want to work harder than their partners and they certainly don’t want to go first; so they wait, they complain, and they wish.  They do not however change.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, then before you start complaining about it, decide whether you are unhappy enough to do something about it or just unhappy and in the wishing stage:  wishing it would get better, wishing your partner was home more, wishing…(fill in the blank).

Continue reading "TRANSFORMING BAD RELATIONSHIPS INTO HEALTHY ONES: THERE'S NO QUICK FIX" »

August 08, 2008

STOP IGNORING THE PROBLEM AND START SPEAKING ABOUT IT: Ignoring issues in relationships, does not mean there are no issues

Sally has been away a lot during the past month due to business.  Subsequently her husband has had to take on a great deal of the household responsibilities and raising the kids. They are fortunate because both of their schedules are fairly flexible and allows for one of them to be home at all times.  When Sally returned home from traveling however, she was tired.  She was not prepared to step back into the domestic work mode especially since her husband was doing such a great job.

The problem is her husband was tired too.  He was happy to pick up the slack while she was away, however he would’ve liked to have his partner back sharing the load with him upon her return.  He didn’t want to make a big deal about it yet he could feel himself getting more easily frustrated with everyone at home and he was beginning to feel resentful.

If Sally and her husband don’t speak about what’s going on for them soon, their relationship is going to feel the strain of all the unspoken resentments, upsets, and stresses.  Sally doesn’t speak up because she wants to rest and figures if her husband is unhappy he’ll say something; she doesn’t want to make up a problem if there isn’t one.  Her husband on the other hand is a nice guy and wants to help as much as he can.  He knows Sally’s been working hard and he’s had some time off so he figures things will get better and back to normal soon.  He’ll just continue what he’s doing and hopefully Sally will start helping out more.

Continue reading "STOP IGNORING THE PROBLEM AND START SPEAKING ABOUT IT: Ignoring issues in relationships, does not mean there are no issues" »

August 03, 2008

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: LOVE IS IN THE ACTION NOT THE THOUGHT

How many times have you heard someone say they’re not very affectionate, not much of a “feelings” person, or not one to wear their heart on their sleeve etc…?  I hear these statements all the time and they’re all cop outs. 

 

I’ve heard both men and women use these statements as a way of excusing their lack of warmth toward their partners.  In fact, I myself have used some of these very statements throughout much of my young adult life.  I did not want to be vulnerable and I certainly was not going to be the first one to share my feelings.  It wasn’t until my relationships ended (because my partners didn’t feel I cared about them) that I realized that vulnerability, emotional intimacy, and risk are a necessary part of loving relationships. 

 

Today, I see many people who haven’t learned the lesson I was fortunate enough to learn.  They continue to be invulnerable, self-guarded, and emotionally shut down—all to the detriment of their relationship.  They believe that simply being in the relationship, working hard to financially support the family, and being faithful, should be enough proof of their love.  It’s not.

 

Continue reading "HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: LOVE IS IN THE ACTION NOT THE THOUGHT" »

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