STOP IGNORING THE PROBLEM AND START SPEAKING ABOUT IT: Ignoring issues in relationships, does not mean there are no issues

Sally has been away a lot during the past month due to business.  Subsequently her husband has had to take on a great deal of the household responsibilities and raising the kids. They are fortunate because both of their schedules are fairly flexible and allows for one of them to be home at all times.  When Sally returned home from traveling however, she was tired.  She was not prepared to step back into the domestic work mode especially since her husband was doing such a great job.

The problem is her husband was tired too.  He was happy to pick up the slack while she was away, however he would’ve liked to have his partner back sharing the load with him upon her return.  He didn’t want to make a big deal about it yet he could feel himself getting more easily frustrated with everyone at home and he was beginning to feel resentful.

If Sally and her husband don’t speak about what’s going on for them soon, their relationship is going to feel the strain of all the unspoken resentments, upsets, and stresses.  Sally doesn’t speak up because she wants to rest and figures if her husband is unhappy he’ll say something; she doesn’t want to make up a problem if there isn’t one.  Her husband on the other hand is a nice guy and wants to help as much as he can.  He knows Sally’s been working hard and he’s had some time off so he figures things will get better and back to normal soon.  He’ll just continue what he’s doing and hopefully Sally will start helping out more.

This scenario, or one like it, happens all the time with couples.  One partner gets annoyed with the other partner about something yet doesn’t say anything.  The annoyed partner ends up getting more and more annoyed, resentful, or frustrated and soon s/he is letting out little zingers, sighs of annoyance, or is snapping at the slightest thing.  Both partners now end up getting annoyed and what could have been solved with a minor discussion now turns into an escalated tension and uncomfortable uneasiness.

Couples avoid issues all the time thinking it’s the healthiest way to handle them.  They think that keeping the upset to themselves will help avoid conflict, keep their partner from feeling bad, and will keep their relationship going without tension.

Seldom do they realize that this approach has the exact opposite effect.

Ignoring issues will not make them go away, it intensifies them.  One partner’s silence leads to a build up or resentment that gets more and more difficult to work through.  One issue, addressed in the moment, is much easier to work through than a lifetime of issues built up, little by little, over ten years.

A life time of issues is like a huge hill that takes a lot of endurance, strength, and fortitude to climb; a single issue in the moment is like a small speed bump that simply takes you slowing down and responsibly moving through to continue on your journey.  

Deal with issues in the moment by slowing down and respectfully working through them.  Dealing with issues in the short run, will save you much pain and heart ache in the long run.

CHALLENGE:  If there is an issue that has been bothering you in your relationship commit to addressing it directly with your partner—in a respectful, relational way.  Whenever possible make a request rather than a complaint.  A request provides your partner with an avenue of repair and allows you a way of getting what you want.

Comments

[Lynn]

I understand the article, but my question "OR" problem is when I voice my feelings, My Feelings are ignored. It is almost like "If he ignores me, the problem will go away." (And I do not ask for much at all. Just for my feelings to matter, whether or not anything can be done.)

DEAR LYN: If your partner continues to not listen to you then you then have to ramp things up a bit and make it more uncomfortable for him to not listen. You can start by being clear with him that his actions are hurting your relationship. Be clear that you may not know what you're going to do about it right now, however you are clear that if it doesn't change the two of you are going to be in trouble. The bottom line is you need to show him with your words and your actions that what he's doing is not okay. When your words are not enough--back them up with your actions.
Regards, Lisa

[lisa]

I learned that the hard way, now that we deal with our problems as they arise life has become a much calmer , happier , healthier place for all of us.