TRANSFORMING BAD RELATIONSHIPS INTO HEALTHY ONES: THERE'S NO QUICK FIX

People often talk about how unhappy they are in their relationships.  They complain about their poor sex life, lack of connection, mistreatment, their partner’s habits, and so on.  They wish things would change and say they are willing to do anything to make that change happen…until of course I tell them what to do.

In my experience, there are several distinct groups of individuals, two of which include:  those who want change and are willing to work like crazy to make change happen, and those who want…those around them to change.   The second group is looking for the magic pill or the quick fix.  They don’t want to work harder than their partners and they certainly don’t want to go first; so they wait, they complain, and they wish.  They do not however change.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, then before you start complaining about it, decide whether you are unhappy enough to do something about it or just unhappy and in the wishing stage:  wishing it would get better, wishing your partner was home more, wishing…(fill in the blank).

The wishing stage seldom, if ever, produces change and often leads to more frustration.

The working stage, in contrast to the wishing stage, does produce real change.  Working a relationship however, takes…WORK.  Although you can make a decision to change in an instant, and actually succeed at changing in an instant, maintaining that change takes consistent work, energy, and determination.

Many people have developed very poor relationship habits over many years.  Replacing these old habits with new ones is like starting a new exercise program: the more you exercise, the easier it gets, until one day it finally becomes a new habit.  Working your relationship muscles requires that you exercise them daily until your healthy responses become second nature to you.  This takes time and effort.

A key difficulty with change is getting over the idea that there’s a quick fix to your problems.  Regardless of whether you’re struggling with your child, parent, partner, boss, or friend, sustained change begins with you and takes time.  You have to stop waiting for the other person to change, hoping the relationship will change, or looking for the quick fix and start stepping up and creating change yourself.

Change takes action not just thought.  Stop complaining and start doing.  Know that change is a process that takes time and be committed to the process.  Focus all eyes on your part and stop complaining about things you have no control of…your partner for example.

If you don’t like what your partner is doing then make a request or set a limit; don’t beg him/her to stop…take action.  If you know you need to be more cherishing, stop saying you know you need to be more cherishing but then not cherish.  Either do it or don’t, but don’t excuse yourself.  If you truly want a better relationship, then pull up your sleeves and get to work.

Start changing your behaviors and watch how that changes your partner’s.  Don’t settle for anything less than respectful and don’t dish out anything less than respectful.  Next, move to not settling for anything less than cherishing and not dishing out anything less than cherishing.  Whatever your issue, decided whether or not you really want it to change or you just wish it would.  If you’re in the wishing stage, know that you’re not ready yet for change; sit back and observe until you’re ready to move things.

CHALLENGE:  If things in your relationship are not going well, make a decision about whether or not you want to change them.  If so, do it wholeheartedly and commit to the process with courage and determination.  If you know you’re miserable yet you barely have the energy to think about the relationship (let alone change it), perhaps you’re not ready for change right now.  Stop complaining and just quietly observe--until you’re ready to take action.

Comments

[Michelle deL]

Thank you for your insight. It is good to remember who is willing to do the work and who is struggling for the quick fix. The determined one usually has a hard time sitting idol in hopes that the relationship will move one way or another. Taking charge of my own life and becoming self motivated has been my struggle. I have great hope that I am moving in the right direction regardless of what the outcome in my relationship will be.

[AB]

This article very closely touches something I am dealing with right now. My husband likes to look at other women on the Internet. I have told him I do not like this at all under any conditions but especially porn and especially when he is on our computer at home which could cause my daughter to accidentally stumble upon what he looks at. He has followed through at not looking at porn, however he still likes to look at soft porn like Maxim. And he is not so good about not doing it on our computer at home. However, I would like him to stop all together, I have never agreed with women being portrayed this way. Other than a smoking habit which I also detest but we have set limits around so I can accept it better, he is a pretty great father and husband. How much do you let one bad habit bother you in a relationship? How much do you 'put your foot down'? It does really bother me, it makes me feel like I am not adequate so he feels the need to look elsewhere. I have shared these feelings with him. Any advice would be appreciated, I love reading your articles, it has helped me many times.

LISA'S REPLY: You say he's stopped wathcing porn in your house...but he watches soft porn...on your home computer? It sounds like he actually has not stopped.

You have to decide how important this issue is for you and then be clear with him about your decision. You also will need to decide what you're going to do if he doesn't keep his promise. I call this a "what if contract". Contract with him to not look at porn in the home and if he breaks this contract then you will...(fill in the blank). For example, if you find out he's been on it at home, you will discontinue the internet coverage or you will stop being intimate with him until he talks with a sex addiction specialist to see if he's become addicted or...

Whatever you decide, it's important that you follow through. Do not make an empty threat. You have to be clear with both yourself and your husband about how important this is to you. Do not give him a mixed message. State your belief and stand behind it with conviction. If you're not sure what that is, research the topic and decide where you stand; then state it.

I strongly recommend you put a safety lock on your computer for the kids. They do not need to have to deal with the fall out from thier father's habit by inadvertently being exposed themselves.
Take care-Lisa