WHAT’S YOUR LENS AND IS IT HELPING OR HURTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Often we have a view of our partner that does not serve our relationship well.  For example, if my view of my partner is that he’s selfish then, if I’m not careful, I can easily interpret 90% of his behaviors as selfish.

In essence I could create a “selfish” lens from which I view all his actions.  So if one day he forgets to take out the garbage, and another day he has a migraine and doesn’t take out the garbage, my lens doesn’t allow me to process the difference between those two different, yet seemingly same acts.  My lens leads me to assume the worst from my partner which leads to greater frustration and negative feelings, on my part.

Seldom is this negative lens present in the early stages of relationships.  In fact, when relationships are newer, we tend to see our partners through much rosier lenses; we’re more than happy to give our partner the benefit of the doubt.  We see our partner’s actions as mistakes or perhaps an oversight.  Rarely, at the beginning of a relationship, do we interpret our partner’s actions as out to get us, or selfish, or a sign of his or her lack of character.  We simply deal with the behavior and try not to make it a huge issue.

This understanding however, seems to fade the longer people have been together.  After years of living together, the rose colored glasses come off and are often replaced with a much more clouded lens that is, of course, skewed in the exact opposite direction.  Now our assumption is that our partner does what s/he does because s/he is… (Fill in the blank), or because s/he just wanted to stick it to us.  Seldom do we give our partner of several years the benefit of the doubt…and more often than not, we assume the worst.

Now, many people say they know their partner which is why their lens got the way it did.  They will give me countless examples of how right they are in their view of their partner and will ask me a number of variations of the following questions:  What if my partner really is …………..?  What if s/he really is just trying to stick it to me?  In essence, what if my lens isn’t really skewed…it’s just real?

Here’s my reply… ready?  It’s not real, you don’t know what your partner’s intentions are, and YOU”RE OFF.  Take a moment to let that in.

The reason you’re off is because nobody is ALWAYS anything.  No one is always trying to stick it to their partner, although there are times when this might be true.  Nobody is ALWAYS selfish, ALWAYS irresponsible or ALWAYS ……………. (fill in the blank) either…although they may be any one of these on occasion.  The problem with having a clouded lens is that you see everything through that lens; you no longer see the whole person and you make dangerous assumptions of every imperfect behavior or interaction.

We’re all human therefore we’re all imperfect.  Sometimes our imperfection is spiteful and sometimes our imperfection is just a sign of our humanity.  Giving one another the benefit of the doubt by simply addressing the behavior rather than adding intent or character flaws to it actually helps our partner and our relationship.  Imagine if your partner assumed you were on her/his side…even when you messed up?  If your partner thought the best of you, rather than the worst, that faith is likely to actually bring out the best in you.

I believe that people rise or fall to the level of our expectations; the greater our expectations, the greater their performance.  Stop assuming the worst about your partner and play with giving him/her the benefit of the doubt.  Assume s/he is on your side and is just making mistakes because of circumstances that have nothing to do with you (i.e. childhood issues, stress, fear etc.).  Assume that your partner’s mistakes are simply mistakes that need to be addressed and fixed, not passive aggressive attempts to get back at you or character issues that are permanent.

CHALLENGE:  Play with the color of your lens for the next two weeks.  Be determined to take your partner’s behaviors at face value and to not give meaning to them or attach some type of character flaw on them.  Pay attention to any changes you notice as a result of this shift.  Check back in with this blog if you try it and let us know how it went!   

Comments

[AB]

I really liked this post. My husband is in school and before 'every' semester he is a stressed maniac or at least that's how I feel. I am trying to see him through new lenses but he is very stressed. Do you have any articles on how to handle stress? He doesn't seem to do this well. I just don't let myself get this stressed so I don't understand it.

[Christine]

It's very true that our lense shapes our perceptions and giving the benefit of the doubt is very good advice to remember!