RESPECT AND RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT IS RESPECT ANYWAY???

I often write about the importance of being respectful in relationships and for a long time assumed clients (and readers) knew what I was talking about.  I know this probably was a big assumption to make so now please allow me to back peddle and actually explain what I mean when I say you have to minimally, be respectful to your partner.

The Encarta dictionary defines respect as consideration or thoughtfulness.  For those who did not grow up in the healthiest of families, and there are many of us, the concept of consideration and thoughtfulness is vague at best.  Let me break it down in concrete terms and give every one a cheat sheet on how to be respectful in their relationships:

Rules of respect:

1. Greet your partner.  When you return home from a day at work, a trip, or a jaunt to the grocery store, actually say hello to your partner.  When your partner says hello to you…respond back!  Don’t nod your head, shrug your shoulders, or ignore your partner…that’s rude and disrespectful.  Say hello and ask your partner how his or her day was.

2. Acknowledge your partner when s/he speaks to you.  I cannot tell you how many women come into my office complaining that when they speak to their husbands the men don’t say one word back.  Not one word!  That’s crazy.  If your partner is speaking to you, it’s important that you let him/her know that you heard what they had to say.  If you don’t know how to respond then just say that you’re not sure how to respond.  At least then they know you’re listening.

3. Use a calm tone and non-toxic words.  One client I had could not believe it wasn’t okay to swear.  He was adamant that it meant nothing and was just his way of blowing off steam.  This could not be further from the truth.  If you’re swearing in anger, you’re off.  It’s NOT respectful.  Don’t do it.  It’s also disrespectful to yell, call names, or have a harsh tone.

4. Listen to what your partner wants to share not just what you want to hear.  Your relationship is not all about you so don’t make it only about you.  If your partner wants to share about his/her day--then listen.

5. Be considerate of your partner and don’t be selfish.  Don’t stay out all night, party all weekend, ignore your partner’s worries or act as though you’re single.  If you want to do whatever you want, whenever you want--then be single.  If you're married, spend time with your partner and show him/her.  Respect requires that you take your partner’s feelings into consideration when you make decisions.  Be considerate of your partner’s feelings and do your very best to protect them.

These are just a few basic rules to follow regarding respect.  There are many more however these are a great start.  Being respectful requires that you are considerate and thoughtful of your partner in everyway.  Take disrespect off the table and watch how it impacts both you and your relationship.

CHALLENGE:  Look over the five rules for respect, pick the one you’re weakest in, and commit to work it for the next two to three weeks.  Let us know how you did and what you noticed!

Comments

[Lorraine]

How do you get a man who believes that his anger justifies his actions, ie cursing and yelling, to change? Is it possible? It's been years and I've asked repeatedly for him to learn to control himself and all I ever hear is, "That's what you get when you make me mad".

LISA'S REPLY: You don't "get him to change", you change. Stop asking for him to change and start setting limits on his behavior. Every time he yells or swears ask him to stop. If he doesn't, then end the conversation and leave the room. Be clear to him that you will no longer be taking that behavior adn if he chooses to blame his anger on you then your relationship will be in trouble.
Read some of my previous posts about settling limits for greater details.
Take care-Lisa

[E.L.]

I agree wholeheartedly with U concern'n the aspect of respect within a relationship. I have come to the conclusion that women no longer appreciate "shivery/general curtesy". U gals frown on a man when he pays U a simple compliment,greets U,or offers U a hand in general friendship. And the majority of the time,U gals see sheer kindness for weakness and won't hestitate to throw that non-sense in our face when U gals are mispleased. I guess I'll have to revert back into a "thug",hhuh?! Make up U gals minds.(DANG!/smile)

[Ann Marie]

So that I can print this and show it to my husband can you please add "spend time with your spouse, not just your children. Simply being in the same house is not considered spending time with your spouse. Do not make excuses, or use the children as an excuse to ignore your spouse. If all you want is a room mate, go find one.

[Herb]

Wow,

As "Cliche" as it might sound and I'm sure I'm not alone here....had I truly practiced these fundamentals in my now "disolved" marriage with all due diligence...I'd still be married and reaping great benefits from it. If we all just take a look at just who we are "today" and how we can change our shortcomings, and initiate "respect" in our lives....imagine the possibilities! Forget yesterday and many years ago and think about TODAY and all the possibilities that are just waiting for us! Thank you for this article. It is eye opening and most of all "most beneficial" for my future endeavors. This was great!

-Herb

[Brian]

Thanks Lisa! These days alot of women are disrespting men in the ways you mention. Equality is just that, not one sex dominating another. Make sure your partner knows your definition of respect. I told my ex that I loved her and would do anything for her, as long as she respected me. (consider my feelings) She misinterpreted to mean " do what I say!" Now ex. So, thanks for letting me realize that my definition is legit, and there are people out there that also define respect as thoughtfulness and consideration. Peace, Bri

[Bobbi]

Thank You for going over these 5 basic rules for respect! Looking forward to more. They serve as a reminder to get back to basics as we were taught long ago. This sets the tone for self respect and the foundation for our attitude toward most every aspect in our lives