WITHDRAWAL...A DEATH SENTENCE TO MANY RELATIONSHIPS

One of the best predictors of divorce is…withdrawal.  Being that I, myself, am a recovered withdrawer, imagine my surprise when I first found this out. Yikes!  I remember years ago when my husband and I would get mad about something and I would clam up and shut down.  Inevitably my husband would try talking to me about it and I would just stay in lock down mode for sometimes 2-3 hours.  I didn’t just get quiet and take some time to myself, I would instead refuse to speak and passive aggressively make him pay for whatever imperfection he showed.  I can’t imagine how utterly frustrating that was for him…

Fortunately, somewhere along the line, I learned the error of my ways and actually became relational--which is good for my husband of course, and for you readers. 

Over the past decade I have come across numerous withdrawers who have utterly frustrated their partners to no end and truly wreaked havoc on their relationships. From one fellow withdrawer to another, I’m here to tell you that although many of us are great people, the withdrawal is horrible to be around and is truly toxic.  

• Jim is so passive aggressive and avoidant that he goes stone silent when his girlfriend tries to speak about the slightest possible conflict.  He has been known to blankly stare at her for two hours while she is franticly begging him to talk to her.  (I have no idea why the heck his girlfriend is sitting there taking his outrageous behavior but…that’s another post).

• Sandy is constantly telling her husband she doesn’t want to talk about it, whenever “it” has the potential for conflict.  When he tries to bring something up she stops the conversation and will literally walk out of the room if he asks her to please just talk; she does this no matter how calm and relational her husband is.

• Tom has become the master at making his wife pay for “making him angry” (which by the way she can’t do since no one “makes” you feel anything…you are responsible for your own joy, anger, frustration etc).  Tom stares out her, says he’s done talking and then goes into a cold freeze for THREE TO FIVE DAYS!!! What???? He literally does not acknowledge she’s alive for days; doesn’t say hello, goodbye, or anything in between. 

These are just some of the examples I’ve come across in my work with couples and I cannot underestimate the damage of this type of response in relationships.  When one partner shuts down, s/he has basically put the relationship in a straight jacket; no changes can be made, no solutions can be found, and no repair happens.  They render their partner helpless and create unbelievable anger and resentment that never gets dealt with. 

If you happen to be the one who shuts down…STOP IT!  There’s no other way for me to say it.  You need to grow up and act like the adult you are and learn to negotiate differences and manage problems rather than avoid them.  If you constantly avoid difficult topics or close down the conversation when it gets remotely uncomfortable, then each issue will piggy back on the one before; soon you will have unresolved issue the size of Mount Everest.  Very few relationships can ever climb that mountain and survive.

The way out of this destructive pattern is to first recognize how destructive it is.  Stop blaming your withdrawal on your partner’s behavior.  You withdraw because…you CHOOSE to withdraw.  Next, commit to not withdrawing no matter how hard it seems. You can take a time out…and come back to revisit the conversation but do not withdraw.  Force yourself to speak, if not in the moment, then ten minutes after the moment.  Use breath work to settle down and remind yourself that it’s not healthy to ignore people; the silent treatment is cold and abusive…and it destroys relationships.  Also remind your self that you are teaching your children an incredibly unhealthy model for handling disagreements.

If I can do it, I have total faith you can do it also.  Start speaking up with those who are the safest to do so with.  Begin with smaller issues and issues with less intensity AND BEGIN!  Be determined to stop acting like a baby and start stepping into being an adult—it feels soooo much better I promise.

CHALLENGE:  If you withdraw or shut down with your partner, commit to stopping it.  Begin to stay in the conversation a little longer each time.  Ask for a time out when you need it and then come back ten-twenty minutes later and try again.  Use breath work throughout the conversation to help ground you.  Let me and the readers know how you do…   

Comments

[Giving Up]

I read your article and realize that I do shut down when my partner upsets me. But I don't shut down to get back at him, I shut down because time and time again I have tried to talk to him about the things that he's doing that are making me lose love, trust, and respect for him, but all he says is "What are you talking about"? Or he justs there watching TV, he stays quiet, doesn't say a word. I tell him that I am fighting to save our relationship, but I can't do it alone, but I get no response. So when he does the same thing over and over again, with no remorse or regard to what I had openly honestly expressed to him, I just shut down.I figure what's the use, I'm so tired of trying to talk to him to only be lied to or ignored.I love him but I'm giving up.

DEAR GIVING UP: Before you give up, fight for your relationship more effectively. Let him know clearly what you're thinking and feeling. Tell him you are thinking of giving up and leaving this relationship if he doesn't change. Ask him to go with you to a professional to help you both work on the relationship. If he refuses, you need to decide if this is something to leave the relationship over. If it is, be clear that if he refuses to change or get help, you will leave.

Often people don't realize how serious their partners are until they are about to walk out the door. Make your position explicit and be prepared to follow through.
Best of luck-Lisa

[AB]

I completely understand how you feel 'lonelywife'. My husband used to do this and I would allow myself to feel very bad about myself every time he looked at porn. Then he had an affair and we started to go to counseling and I learned that instead of withdrawing and feeling bad about myself, I need to tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and stick by it. He tried making so many excuses from, 'It has nothing to do with you.' to 'Every guy looks at porn and if they tell you they don't then they are lying.'
I made it about me. I said 'You looking at porn hurts my feelings and causes me to feel bad. I will not accept you doing this. Every time you do this, I will be upset and angry and I will tell you that I am upset and angry. I'm not going to make it easy for you.'
He has now pretty much stopped. Once in awhile he will look at what I call 'soft porn' like Maxim and that still upsets me, but I do let this go most of the time because I don't expect him to be perfect either and it is 100 times better than what he would look at before and a lot less frequent. The most important thing is that we talk about our feelings and I don't tell him anymore that it is okay if it is not okay to me. I stand my ground, always. I am with him now because I truly want to be, not because I'm scared to leave, and that scares him, he has seen me become a healthier person. He knows this new healthy me is not going to put up with his bologna, so if he wants to stay, he better be a good husband. Good luck, it was an uphill battle - but one that I am glad he and I have been able to overcome.
Oh yeah, and this blog has helped so significantly just remind myself once a week of the basics of being relational. So thanks, Lisa.

[LonelyWife]

How do I make myself not feel horrible when he is the one doing things to make me feel inadequate? For example, on my husband's day off, he may choose to spend it looking at naked women on the internet; then he deletes the history and pretends he wasn't doing anything wrong. How are his actions okay, but I am to blame for making myself feel unwanted by his actions? I'm confused on how I am the one responsible for feeling this way.

LISA'S REPLY: First, it's important to realize that no one "makes" us feel anything; we make ourselves feel. You say you feel inadequate because your husband is looking at porn whereas another woman might get angry at her husband and realize that his porn use is about him, not her inadequacy. Your husband's choice to look at porn and then lie says a lot about him and very little about you. Even if he says he does it because you're inadequate doesn't mean you are inadequate--it means he's using you as an excuse to blame his behavior on. You need to know that and stop taking the blame for something you shouldn't.
Regarding your last statement: his actions are not okay and you need to figure out what you want to do about that. Do not go into a victim position and blame yourself or feel like there's nothing you can do. You have many choices. If you feel unwanted, tell him and make a request of him. If he refuses to listen, then set a limit and make it more uncomfortable for him to keep doing what he's doing. Do not just hang your head and do nothing...you deserve more than that.
Any other suggestions from other readers???
Take care-Lisa

[Jo ann]

Thanks alot for this article. I have become a withdrawer about a year ago. This helped me and I am going to apply this to my relationship.