ACTION VERSUS REACTION IN RELATIONSHIPS: Where is that pause button???

If you struggle with staying calm in times of upset, chances are you have a problem with reactivity.  If you find yourself frequently yelling, complaining, getting triggered about big things, small things, and even things that don’t have to do with you…chances are you struggle with reactivity.  If this continues, it’s likely to harm your health and your relationships.

 

Most people who are highly reactive blame their actions on the behavior of others and seldom think their reactivity is the problem.  They often justify their intensity because of the stupidity, irresponsibility, or thoughtless behavior of those around them.  They react, they believe, because others almost make them react.

 

The reality however, is they’re all highly reactive people.  People who’re highly reactive get annoyed fairly easily and respond to this annoyance or anger with intensity and no thought.  The repetitive thoughtless reaction creates significant problems in their relationships.

 

Four signs that you are RE-acting rather than acting:

• When someone does something you don’t like, you immediately get upset, flustered, or annoyed and respond in a split second to their behavior.  Typically your response involves intensity and some type of anger.
• Loved ones, friends, helpers etc., have tried to discuss or call you on your reactivity in some way (i.e. “Calm down”, “You don’t need to get so upset”)
• You think that when someone screws up, you have the right to yell at them or loudly defend yourself; after-all, it was their screw up right?
• You find yourself reacting in the moment and then regretting it later…or paying for it later.

When you’re re-acting to a situation you’re not taking care of your own best interests.  Reacting is a reflexive move that takes no thought.  You cannot make healthy decisions if you’re not thinking!  The more you slow down your reaction and turn it into an action, the better your life will be…for you and for those around you.

Here are some tips to slow down the intensity and the reaction:

1. First off…PAUSE.  Put a pause button on your reactions by first just noticing what’s going on and doing NOTHING.  Just pause.
2. Next, take a deep breath…slowly.  In fact, take two or three slow deep breaths to help calm you down.
3. Keep your mouth closed.  Do not speak until you have paused, taken a few deep breaths, and can feel yourself calming down.
4. Decide what you need to do:  do you need to make a request, set a limit, share your experience, or take a time out?  Decide which it is and get clear about what you’re asking for before you speak.
5. When you do speak…SOFTEN your voice and speak SLOWLY.  When you force yourself to lower your voice it often settles you down and makes it easier for the other person to listen.  Speaking slowly has the same effect and it keeps you conscious of what you’re doing so you can make better decisions.
6.  Be determined to take contempt out of your voice and your actions.  You have no right to be contemptuous of others since you too can make mistakes.  Be humble and stop freaking out on others because you think you have that right…you don’t.
7. Be proud of yourself every time you are able to act in a respectful, calm way instead of reacting and being hurtful. 

Once you stop giving yourself permission to just be reactive to everyone and everything, you give yourself a chance to calmly take action.  This will lead to huge changes in your relationships if you truly work it.  People don’t like being around others who are constantly triggered and uncontained.  You’ll enjoy being around yourself more as well.

CHALLENGE:  The challenge is very simple:  if you’re reactive then follow the steps above and start working to put that pause button in place!

Comments

[Lisa]

I loved your article. My husband is a very sweet, but reactive Italian. He doesn't realize how reactive he is, even though I have told him many times. He only realized it recently when our little yorkie (Duke)who constantly sits on my husbands lap, jumps down and runs into the bedroom when my husband becomes reactive. He said" what's the matter with Duke?" I told him he was scaring the dog, cause it scares me too. I sometimes walk on eggshells because of his reaction to even the smallest things. This causes me to not want to talk about the smallest of problems, let alone real problems. I worry about his blood pressure when he acts like this. I am going to talk to him about the pause button factor. Thanks for the article.

[Matt]

I can attest to the destructive power of hair-trigger reactivity. I ended a relationship early this year with an otherwise great person. Unfortunately she seemed to take everything personally and her reactions to mistakes I made or even perceived slights were strong and her intensity was usually not consistent with the issue at hand. I found that in her case it was insecurity - she seemed to want to believe me when I expressed how much I cared for her, but ultimately couldn't bring herself to relax and just enjoy us. When talking to each other about our pasts, just in getting to know each other over the months, she would even take things I had done many years ago personally. She overreacted and then gave me the silent treatment for 3 days over one such thing (just dumb juvenile stuff from my college days, boys behaving badly, etc.). I was being punished for something I did 20 years prior when I was a kid.

I wish I had found your blog back then. Even though we had other issues, I think that its possible we might be friends now instead of not having had contact for 7 months.

[Sally]

I think I am a reactive person and I found this article very helpful. I intend to try some of your suggestions out immediately.

I would like to point out one issue with your summary, though. You said, "People don’t like being around others who are constantly triggered and uncontained." I work in an office where the "boys club" likes to get some of the women worked up by triggering these reactive behaviors. I have learned to get myself out of the situation or give them an unexpected reaction and just laugh it off. Some of the women continue to react just as the guys want them to. These women are considered the entertainment by the guys. My point is that the feedback you get from others is not necessarily that the others don't like it, but it's still not good for you.
DEAR SALLY: Excellent point! Thanks for sharing it...and nice job walking away and not playing into the games.
Take care-Lisa