ARE YOU IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP? FIVE REASONS PEOPLE SETTLE FOR DUMB RELATIONSHIPS

 

In my work over the years I hear several reasons over and over again, regarding why people don’t truly step in and fight for change in their relationships.  When I say people settle I want to be clear that I truly mean settle NOT stay.  I don’t believe leaving relationships is the answer to a miserable relationship.  I believe fighting for a better one is…and then if your partner refuses to change or get help, I believe that leaving is an option. 

 

The most common reasons I’ve found for people settling for dumb relationships include:

 

1. Fear:  Most people who settle have some type of fear attached to their decision: fear of failure, their partner’s rage, their partner leaving, living on their own, and on and on.  Fear often paralyzes people and keeps them stuck.  It’s important to bravely face our fears if we ever hope to move forward in our relationships and in life.  Fear is just a warning sign that you need to proceed with caution.  Too many people think the caution means stop and they forget to proceed.   Allow the fear to be a warning sign that there is an issue that needs to be addressed and then address it don’t run from it.  
2. Children:  Many people worry that if they begin to ask for what they want in their relationship this will lead to disaster.  They worry about the impact of this on their children or worse yet, the impact of divorce should their partner leave or not decide to change.  What they don’t realize is the extent that their settling is impacting the children already.  Children raised by parents who have miserable relationships, often grow up to have similarly miserable relationships.  Children live what they know.  Teach children how to relationally fight for the healthy relationships they deserve by modeling for them how to do that.

Depression:  Sometimes, living in a chronically unhappy relationship can leave someone drained and depressed.  It’s also true that some people who are depressed can create a chronically unhappy relationship.  Either way, if there’s depression, stop complaining about not having energy, or support, or whatever else you use as an excuse, and start doing something about it.  If you’re depressed, talk to your doctor about possible medication.  If you’re against meds, start exercising, see a therapist, try holistic measures…do anything, as long as it’s something.

This is what they learned:  Many of us come from families who were clueless about being relational.  Many of our parents’ marriages were nothing we’d ever want to emulate…yet many of us do emulate them.  When someone continues to stay in an unhealthy relationship, chances are their past is at work and a huge contributing factor keeping him/her stuck.  Just like our children live what they know. We also live what we know.  We know what we were taught for arguably, the eighteen most formidable years of our life.  We need to look at that history to not have it also become our future.  The more aware we are of what weighs us down, the better able we are to unhook it. 

Money:  Many people don’t want to rock the boat because they are too shaky financially.  They feel trapped in the relationship because they do not have the financial resources to be able to sustain a separation should that happen.  If this is the case, it’s important that you take whatever step possible to increase your financial stability.  If you don’t have a job, find one. There are many jobs that can be done at home for extra money, so kids are not an excuse for you not making extra money.  It’s vital for everyone in a relationship to feel as though they could make it on their own if something unfortunate happened such as divorce, or a medical condition, or even the loss of a spouse.  Lack of finances is a problem to be solved not a straight jacket. 

 

If you’re in a miserable relationship perhaps it’s time to start taking steps to change it.  If you feel as though you have taken steps and they have not worked, then take different steps.  Remember:  it’s a privilege to be in your inner circle so make sure those in it are treating you best.

 

CHALLENGE:  Look over the list above and see if any of these are keeping you stuck in any of your relationships.  If so, look at the issue from all sides and come up with three different ways to address it and move forward.  Commit to not allowing this issue to stop you from doing what’s best for you and your family.

Comments

[ELLE]

I'm a 20 year old girl, with a 29 year old man. I've been with him since I was 17 and have found myself living the life he wants me to live, simply because he's found a way to manipulate me over the past few years into thinking that a successful relationship is one where everything is controlled. I do feel the pressure of maturing before my age and living under his spotlight. I have grown accustomed to his way of life and I'm afraid of letting go because I might not be able to find trust in anyone else. I dont want to live an inprisoned life, but I feel trapped. His overall self is perfect, hard working, ambitious, wealthy, smart, good reputation, good family, but very obsessive. Please help me find the reasons why my partner is like this, and to stop feeling like I'm not worthy to find a better man.

DEAR ELLE: You deserve to be treated well...and until you believe that, you will not find a healthy partner. You are creating the prison for yourself as along as you stay tell yourself you're trapped. As long as you allow your partner to control you...he will continue to control you. What you don't realize however, is he does not have the power to control you without you allowing him to do so. Stop selling yourself short and stand up for yourself. Follow your instincts which are screaming that you need to be treated better and as an equal.

If you don't change this now, it will get worse later.
Warm regards,
Lisa

[Jennifer]

I am 39-years old, and I have a 6-year old son. The relationship I'm in meets all 5 of your reasons for settling. Unfortunately - I see it from the point of view that: I am a single parent, without a job, my son has ADHD, so he can be EXTREMELY difficult to deal with at times, and I just don't see a whole lot of men who would be willing to sign on, and begin a relationship with me. I feel as if I bring nothing to the table but problems.

DEAR JENNIFER: You bring yourself to the table and you are not a problem. You are a very valuable human being and it is a priveledge to be in your inner circle. Once you believe that, you will begin to live that and your life will change. Look at my post on self esteem and do the exercise of repeating the a mantra 25 times per day for thirty days...it will help immensely if you do it. Regarding your son, get some help on how to parent a child with ADHD so he won't be so difficult and you will have some respite and a sense of accomplishment. You deserve to have a life that fuels you...don't forget that and don't settle for less than that.
Warm regards-Lisa

[Sheila Husemoller]

I lost my relationship about one year and a few months ago. I loved the man I was with to no end. Unfortunately, he left me anyway. There was chemical use between us and arguments about everything under the sun. I still love the heck out of him today but he refuses to even look in my way.
There was also a lot of "blame game" that went on between us. At one point, during the chemical use, someone outside of our relationship had taken advantage of me. My ex boyfriend talked at first like he understood. Then he broke up with me after that. I feel that he broke up with me for the wrong reason. I would never cheat on any man that I am with for any reason at all. I am a very loving, honest individual and in fact will tell on myself when I realize that I have made a mistake. Even if I don't realize my mistake before the man brings it to me, I will still admit to my mistake and look for ways to make amends. I love deeply and do not play games. Life is too short to purposely mess our loved ones up. If there is any way you could help me out, please let me know.

Sincerely,

Sheila Husemoller
DEAR SHEILA: If there is an ongoing substance abuse issue, you need to seek treatment to address that first and foremost. You cannot work a relationship unless both parties are safe and sober.
Take care-Lisa

[Peaches]

What do you do as a parent of a grown woman, who is in a seriously abusive (physically, verbally, and mentally)relationship, but won't try to get out for many of the reasons you stated? The child is an infant and is suffering through all of this.

DEAR PEACHES: I'm so sorry to hear you're daughter's in such a bad situation. I can't imagine how difficult that must be as a mother to watch. The first thing you can do is let your daughter know that you are there for her and if she ever wants help you will do everything in your power to help her. I would give her numbers to domestic violence shelters and women's protective services so she always has it should she decide to get help. Finally, if the child is in danger and watching the violence you may have to call your local Child Protective Services office to report her husband. These services often offer counseling to families and supply a set of eyes in that home to try to reduce the level of violence. I realize this is very difficult and... domestic violence is a dangerous, life-threatening occurance. Making that call may be the push she needs to get help. If you're hesitant to call, I also suggest you call Women's Protective Services to get more advice on what they suggest and to help you through this.
Women's Protective Services:(800) 593-1125.
Take care and I wish your family well in putting the end to violence.
Lisa