HOW TO DISAGREE WITHOUT HURTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

 

The presidential election has had a huge impact on our country due to it’s historical significance, the sheer number of voters, age of voters, the overall passion so many people felt, and the risk so many took to fight for a change they hope will come.  

 

This election has also been difficult for the couples who want change yet disagree on the best person to bring forth that change.  Partners who have differing political beliefs can find themselves in very hot water if they’re not careful about how they approach their differences.  Below is a list of tips to help couples who struggle with differing beliefs on major topics such as politics, religion, child rearing etc.  If you’re one of these couples then read on and make sure you differ…relationally.

 

The Art of Differing:

• Accept the differences.  Too often couples try to argue their point in an effort to get their partner to come over to their side.  This does little to foster closeness between partners, and seldom, if ever, works.
• Listen to understand why your partner believes the way s/he does.  Debate teams often have students argue whatever side they’re given, not necessarily the side they believe in.  This is because a good debater can argue any side of an issue since both sides have viable points to them.  As partners, we need to stop being so sure our beliefs are the right beliefs and instead have faith that our partners actually have fairly intelligent brains that are capable of making remarkable decisions…such as choosing us for instanceJ.  Listen to why your partner thinks the way s/he does with an open mind; you may learn something.
• Respect your differences with your words, actions, energy, and heart.  Be careful not to make snide comments, put your partner’s beliefs down in front of others or in the privacy of your own home, or tell, imply, or insinuate that your partner is stupid in any way for thinking the way s/he does.  Healthy relationships start minimally with respect…even in times of disagreement.
• Have an agreement that if it gets too heated you both will take a moment to get centered.  If necessary, take a time out until better able to discuss the issue respectfully.  If unable to discuss relationally, agree to have the topic off limits if possible.  If you need to talk about the issue, get help.
• Set ground rules for discussions on issues where you both disagree.  Here are some to start with:
  • One person speaks at a time…without interruption by the other.
  • Neither partner may speak derogatory about the other’s beliefs.
  • There is no yelling, swearing, name calling, or acting out in anger.
  • Explain the goal of the discussion at the beginning (problem solve versus understanding each person’s view etc.).

 

Disagreement in relationships can be a great thing.  Differences provide both partners with an opportunity to see things in a new light.  They also are an opportunity for growth.  Stop trying to convince your partner that your thinking is right and try being open minded.  The intimacy that comes from difficult conversations done relationally is an amazingly powerful intimacy.  Give it a try and see what happens.

CHALLENGE:  Work your side of the line regarding differences. Refuse to put your partner’s thoughts down in any way and instead be curious.  Walk a moment in your partner’s shoes and keep your self righteousness down to zero.  Note what happens.

 

Comments

[PONNY]

I am in a relationship with someone for 17 months and we have a 7month old baby boy. We're not married. This man tells me I'm not supposed to go home for this whole year. He has issues when it comes to supporting me and my child. He disrespects my family. He thinks he's all that and what he says goes. I treat him like a man needs to be treated but I get the bad treatment. This is the most selfish man I have come across and slowly but surely he pushes me away. He used to physically beat me when I was pregnant until one day he tried that then I called the police; only then he stopped. Do I need this man in my life? He depresses me more than he makes me happy. He says I make him feel less of a man cause I never do as he says. If it comes to a push I'll work away from this relationship. I think I'm staying for the sake of my son. All I know is that someone with a brain will not stand for that man. He is arrogant, selfish, self centered, and most of all he is not open minded.

DEAR PONNY: You deserve to be treated well and from your report, your partner is not doing that. Staying with someone who's emotionally abusive is not helpful for you or your son. You know this or you wouldn't be speaking the way you are. Now you have to decide if you're going to do something about it. It sounds like he listened when you called the police. Perhaps you need to be clear with him that if he doesn't change and start treating you better then you won't be able to stay with him. I suggest you both get into therapy to see if your problems are workable. No matter what you do, realize that you deserve to be treated well at all times, by all people...and back this belief up with your actions.

Best of luck-Lisa

[segun williams]

Hello I love the way you put everybody to order in terms of relationship. Ii pray God will continue to help you in Jesus' name. AMEN