Straight Talk On Relationships

VENTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: IF YOU SAY IT, YOU MEAN IT...and it hurts

I'm shocked by how many people believe thier words are inconsequential when said in anger.  Throughout the years I've heard a myriad of excuses for people's hurtful words.  Here are some of the more common ones:

• It was no big deal, she know's I say things when I get mad.

• Give me break, I can't swear when I get mad?  Everyone swears.

• It wasn't that bad, she's just sensitive.

• He deserved it.  If he didn't do what he did then I wouldn't have been so angry.

• I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry.

Regardless of what your reason, saying hurtful things in anger is...hurtful.  It's hurtful to the person your speaking to, it's hurtful to your relationship, and it's hurtful to those in the vicinity who have to listen to it. 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING: MAY YOU HAVE A RELAXED, PEACEFUL THANKSGIVING FILLED WITH FUN, LOVE, AND GOOD EATS

Here’s to a very Happy Thanksgiving to all. Enjoy your day!!!

 

Tips to creating a positive holiday experience:

1. Lighten up.  Stop trying to have everything be perfect and instead have fun and enjoy the cooking process.  Allow the children to help, get messy, and experiment.  If there’s pressure to have things look good, be clean, and taste perfect, then you’ve missed the point of Thanksgiving.

 

2. Remember it’s about relationships not tasks.  If you focus on connection you’ll enjoy the experience so much more.  Rather than jumping up to start cleaning off the table, relax and enjoy the conversation for a bit longer.  Have an agreement with your partner beforehand about who’s going to do what and then sit back and take your time to enjoy. 

 

ACTION VERSUS REACTION IN RELATIONSHIPS: Where is that pause button???

If you struggle with staying calm in times of upset, chances are you have a problem with reactivity.  If you find yourself frequently yelling, complaining, getting triggered about big things, small things, and even things that don’t have to do with you…chances are you struggle with reactivity.  If this continues, it’s likely to harm your health and your relationships.

 

Most people who are highly reactive blame their actions on the behavior of others and seldom think their reactivity is the problem.  They often justify their intensity because of the stupidity, irresponsibility, or thoughtless behavior of those around them.  They react, they believe, because others almost make them react.

 

The reality however, is they’re all highly reactive people.  People who’re highly reactive get annoyed fairly easily and respond to this annoyance or anger with intensity and no thought.  The repetitive thoughtless reaction creates significant problems in their relationships.

 

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? GETTING OUT OF LIMBO IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Unfortunately many people struggle to land in their relationships.  What I mean by land, is they stay ambivalent about being in it and subsequently they neither work the relationship to get it better nor leave it to move on:  in essence they stay in limbo.  By neither committing nor leaving, they end up wasting precious years of their lives. 

 

I found a great book about making the decision to end your relationship or work it titled:  Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.  If you’re trapped in the endless cycle of weighing the pros and cons of staying versus going then stop that ineffective dance and get this book.

 

This book is a great tool to help those who truly want to…land.  The author systematically asks the reader to address one question at a time (which she calls guidelines).  With each answer the author tells the reader what the statistics show regarding the happiness of people who stayed in the relationship with that issue versus those who left the relationship with that issue.  For example, one of her questions has to do with whether or not you genuinely like your partner (and vice versa).  If the answer is no, she tells you whether you’re likely to be happier staying or going…based on other people who left/stayed with that same answer.  There are thirty six guidelines that, if answered honestly, should help you out of the quagmire of should I stay or should I go?  

HOW TO DISAGREE WITHOUT HURTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

 

The presidential election has had a huge impact on our country due to it’s historical significance, the sheer number of voters, age of voters, the overall passion so many people felt, and the risk so many took to fight for a change they hope will come.  

 

This election has also been difficult for the couples who want change yet disagree on the best person to bring forth that change.  Partners who have differing political beliefs can find themselves in very hot water if they’re not careful about how they approach their differences.  Below is a list of tips to help couples who struggle with differing beliefs on major topics such as politics, religion, child rearing etc.  If you’re one of these couples then read on and make sure you differ…relationally.

 

ARE YOU IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP? FIVE REASONS PEOPLE SETTLE FOR DUMB RELATIONSHIPS

 

In my work over the years I hear several reasons over and over again, regarding why people don’t truly step in and fight for change in their relationships.  When I say people settle I want to be clear that I truly mean settle NOT stay.  I don’t believe leaving relationships is the answer to a miserable relationship.  I believe fighting for a better one is…and then if your partner refuses to change or get help, I believe that leaving is an option. 

 

The most common reasons I’ve found for people settling for dumb relationships include:

 

1. Fear:  Most people who settle have some type of fear attached to their decision: fear of failure, their partner’s rage, their partner leaving, living on their own, and on and on.  Fear often paralyzes people and keeps them stuck.  It’s important to bravely face our fears if we ever hope to move forward in our relationships and in life.  Fear is just a warning sign that you need to proceed with caution.  Too many people think the caution means stop and they forget to proceed.   Allow the fear to be a warning sign that there is an issue that needs to be addressed and then address it don’t run from it.  
2. Children:  Many people worry that if they begin to ask for what they want in their relationship this will lead to disaster.  They worry about the impact of this on their children or worse yet, the impact of divorce should their partner leave or not decide to change.  What they don’t realize is the extent that their settling is impacting the children already.  Children raised by parents who have miserable relationships, often grow up to have similarly miserable relationships.  Children live what they know.  Teach children how to relationally fight for the healthy relationships they deserve by modeling for them how to do that.