MICROMANAGEMENT IN RELATIONSHIPS PART II: LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY

Last post I talked about the impact of micromanagement in relationships and how important it is to NOT do it.  I can only imagine what many people who happen to like things done a certain way must be thinking after reading that post:

• But what if everything falls apart because I let my partner do things his way?
• Great, I’ll get off his back and then I’ll have to suffer the consequences and clean up after him.
• Yeah Lisa, easy for you to say, you don’t know what my husband would do if I weren’t telling him how to do things.  Our house would be a mess, our kids would be eating sugar and candy all day, and (fill in the blank).
• But there is a right way to do things and why should I feel bad ensuring that things get down correctly.
• Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….

 

In my experience many of these worries are imagined and greatly exaggerated.  I’ve never met a parent (father or otherwise) who has fed their child sugar and candy non-stop for days on end.  Have some parents fed their children poorly on occasion? Certainly… myself included.  I’ve heard from mothers that if they left the feeding up to their husbands then the kids would eat pizza every time she wasn’t home.  And???  Are the kids going to die because they have pizza once a week when mom’s gone? NO.  It may not be the best thing for them, and it’s also not the worst. 

 

Most of the time, our worries are extreme.  Frequently, we allow our own neurosis to get in the way of our relationships and then it’s our neurosis that is wreaking havoc…not the pizza.  Instead of telling everyone what they need to do and how they need to do it, let them do things their way…and then let the chips fall where they may without you cleaning up after them.

 

People learn more from the natural consequences of their actions than they do from lectures.  Instead of being Emily Post, sit back and allow others to do things their own way.  If they fail, let them feel the natural consequences of that failure.  Below are several examples of how you can let things go and allow any lessons that need to be taught, be learned on their own.

• Your partner starts playing with the kids close to bed time which you know will make it harder to put them to bed.  Instead of yelling, let him and the kids know that you will be done with bedtimes by 8:00pm (for example) and if they have a hard time going to bed past 8:00, then dad’s the one on duty.  If it’s 8:00 and they’re not in bed, kiss them goodnight and tell your partner he’s up.
• Your partner doesn’t pack the diaper bag correctly and then leaves the house with the baby and only one bottle.  Rather than packing the diaper bag for him…let it go.  He will learn soon enough that when babies get hungry they scream.  It won’t take long before he’s off to the store for a bottle, pacifier, or anything else he can think of to get the screaming to stop ringing in his ears.
• You’ve reminded your partner seven times that he needs to be home on time to go to the dinner party.  You’re worried that he will be late again and then make you late.  Stop reminding him and instead let him know that you will be leaving the house at 6:00pm and would love for him to ride with you.  If he’s not able to make it home by that time however, you will drive by yourself and meet him there.  Do not make excuses for his absence at the party; if he shows up late that’s his mess to clean up not yours.

 

The bottom line is don’t feel like it’s your job to make things okay when someone else doesn’t do things in the best possible way.  Also, don’t assume there’s one way.  How dishes get clean is not as important as them getting clean; don’t lose sight of the goal.  If your husband wants to mow the lawn in the dark, let him.  If he pays the bills one at a time versus sitting down and getting them all done at once, who cares as long as they’re on time? 

 

Let go of the little things, let the natural consequences occur for the medium things, and set limits on the bigger things.  No matter what though…DON’T MICROMANAGE!  It’s annoying and hard to live with. Lighten up and let go of the controls for your sake as well as your family’s.

 

CHALLENGE: Stop telling your loved ones how things should be done and back off.  Allow life’s natural consequences occur when possible and set limits on how things get done ONLY when necessary, not when preferred.

Comments

[AB]

Try this advice even if it seems impossible. I started letting go almost 2 years ago and it is very freeing. My husband will sometimes list for me things that have to get done (implying that I will do it). Then I list for him what is on my list for the day and say 'If you want those other things done today, you will need to do them, otherwise my plan was to do them on such a such date.'
It helps me not feel so stressed and have control over how much work I do versus playing or having fun. Before I was never involved in the fun because I was always working either at work or at home. Now I put limits around how much work I allow myself to do. And yes that sometimes means there are dirty dishes in the sink when I go to bed, but if it bothers anyone then they should wash them and sometimes they do.

[Cassandra Jamet]

I love your article.Please remember it is not all women. Men micromanage relationships, too. Ask my husband....

DEAR CASSANDRA: You're absolutely correct, it can be either men or women. Thanks-Lisa