RELATIONSHIP REALITY: THE MORE YOU TAKE OVER, THE MORE YOUR PARTNER WILL GIVE IT OVER

Recently, my husband and I had a very interesting conversation about something that was going on in our relationship.  Although I’m a bit embarrassed to share it, I realize it is a great learning opportunity for my readers…(as I write this I will continue to remind myself that I’m enough and I matter despite this storyJ).

 

Over the years one of the most common complaints I would hear from women is that their partners don’t help at home (with the kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.).  This is not to say that only women become over responsible however, I definitely hear about it more from the women.  My response to this type of complaint has always been to stop taking it over when he doesn’t do it or he’ll do less and less, she’ll do more and more and resentment will creep in soon after.

 

Well…imagine my surprise when I realized that something very similar was happening in my own relationship; my husband was the over responsible one and I was the under responsible one! Ugg…it’s so much more fun looking at my partner’s stuff then my own (can anyone relate to this thought?).

 

Okay enough prep, let’s get to it… Lately I’ve realized that several times a week I’ve been asking my husband what the schedule is:  which child has soccer, where is the game, what time, are there any school events etc.  Whenever he would send me a copy of the game schedule I would simply delete it or ignore it.  If there were notices about school, soccer, or anything schedule related, I was barely paying attention. If he would ask me about what was happening schedule wise, I would look at him with this shocked stare.  I’d shrug my shoulders, say I didn’t know, and go about my business (FYI: I’m not proud of this).

 

When my husband and I finally talked about this we realized that over the years I stopped holding the schedule with him and instead handed it over to him.  Because it was a subtle process, he took it over.  I realized that I made many assumptions and become utterly irresponsible on my end and consciously stopped holding my share.  We used to both remind each other; gradually I came to rely on him to remind me.  He was starting to get irritated and I was wondering what his problem was when I didn’t know the information (the nerve of him wanting me to also be responsible for our life schedule!).

 

Here’s the take away from this story:  The less I did, the more my husband did and the more my husband did, the less I did.  This happens in couples all the time.  It can happen slowly or in an instant so both partners need to watch their part.  On my side, I agreed that I would write down dates and times when I get them, I will not delete emails assuming he has it, and I will do my best to be equally responsible for our family’s schedule.  On my husband’s side, he agreed he would push back when I ask him what we’re doing (i.e. tell me to check the e-mail), not take over and let me off the hook, and talk to me about it if he’s being bothered by something I’m not doing.  

 

As much as I would love for him to just take over because it was easier on me, I realize that in the long run, it will be bad for both of us.  For those who are allowing your partner to carry the majority of the load in one or more areas, make sure it’s okay with your partner.  If it’s not, start picking up your share…for both your sakes. For those who are picking up the load and resentful for doing it, only do your share and have a conversation with your partner about theirs.

 

CHALLENGE:  Pay attention, over the next week, to how much you’re contributing to the daily operations of your family/relationship.  If either you or your partner is carrying more of the day to day tasks necessary to run a home, then change your part in one way and see what happens.  

Comments

[ashley]

Reading the article, I was saying this is us. In my relationship I'm not the slacker. I get frustrated with my husband not stepping up and helping more around the house. Instead of asking for help I do it all, get mad, and yes we tend to get into an arguement. I didn't feel like I should have to ask for help. I just assumed he knows what needed to be done, and would at least offer to help.....Like it was said in a movie,"We want them to want to help".

[jill]

Ha! I was totally like this too except that I am not married to my sons father. It was just always assumed that I would be in charge of everything to do with our son. Talk about resentments! Now I tell him once (or better yet give him the website link for whatever sport or school stuff he needs). And then that is it! Talk about freeing! Unfortunately, he refuses to keep up on stuff so he knows a lot less about his son but I just couldnt take it anymore..it was like being married with ZERO fringe benefits!

[Chris]

I can totally relate to this. I've been amazed at how gradual it can happen. I was in the same situation (the "slacker"), and I expected that my wife would simply ask for me to step up. She seemed to instead hold silent resentment, and our indirect communication ultimately became an angry dispute.

Thanks for sharing this!