Straight Talk On Relationships

ANNOUNCEMENT: FUN NIGHT OUT FOR WOMEN IN THE EDISON, NEW JERSEY AREA

For those women who live in the Edison New Jersey area, I will be speaking on the topic "Why smart women settle for dumb relationships: Developing the skills you need to get through tough times." The speech is definitely thought provoking and fun.  I encourage you to sign up if you're in the area and bring a friend.    There's only one week left to sign up so for those interested, click on the link below to sign up and read about the speech.  Book online at:   http://estore.realrelational.com/detail.aspx?ID=35

Looking forward to seeing some of you there!

NOTE: I will also be giving this speech in Minneapolis, MN at the Doubletree Suites Hotel, 1500 Park Place Blvd., on February 22, 2009 from 7pm to 9pm. If interested sign up at the same link. 

Take care,

Lisa

MIND READING IN RELATIONSHIPS: ONE MIND IS ENOUGH…NO NEED TO READ YOUR PARNTER’S MIND TOO

• Tom said he didn’t want to go out to eat and would rather eat at home.  Sally was certain he just wanted to get her upset…so she yells at him for not doing anything she wants to do.
• Karen asked Scott to help put the kids to bed.  Scott “knows” she’s just trying to get him to not watch his television show…so he snaps at her and tells her not tonight.
• Sue asks Dan what’s wrong.  He replies that he’s stressed about work.  Sue’s certain he said that because he’s trying to make her feel guilty for staying home with the kids…so she brushes off his concerns and walks away in a huff.

 

We interpret our partner’s behaviors all the time.  We think we know the real reason they do what they do and we further believe that any explanation they give is just an excuse to cover what’s really going on.  We then treat our partners as though our interpretations are correct and they’re lying.    

 

THE INAUGURATION AND RELATIONSHIPS: THE POWER OF HOPE

 

The presidential inauguration of President Obama seems to have breathed life back into our country again.  I do not recall a time, in my lifetime, when our country was filled with so much hope.  With this hope has come a renewed energy and commitment to get our country stronger and healthier than ever before.

 

This dynamic is the same for couples.   When I have couples enter my office on the brink of divorce, I know that unless they get some inkling of hope (and fast), that the odds are not good they’re going to make it.  The catalyst for hope…is CHANGE.  The change however, has to be not only spoken, but also acted upon. 

 

Many partners, when put on the hot seat, will promise to change.  Hope however, doesn’t get sparked until the actions back up the words spoken.  In other words, until the person actually starts to show up in the relationship differently, their words have very little impact…and their partner, has very little hope. 

 

HAVE YOU LOST THAT SPARK? KEEPING RELATIONSHIPS ALIVE

Throughout the years I’ve worked with many couples where one of the partners has come in saying that s/he was no longer “in love”.  In many of these couples, both partners reported that they loved each other very much however the relationship had some how turned into one of platonic friends rather than lovers. 

 

Many of the individuals who had fallen out of love reported that they started to feel the shift years prior.  Very few spoke about it however until now, several years later.

 

The truth is, relationships ebb and flow.  Early in relationships there’s typically a “hot” period where there’s a lot of passion, physical attraction, and the desire to be with one another all the time. This is followed by a more realistic stage where each partner begins to truly know the other person—warts and all.  Gradually couples begin to settle into some type of rhythm that typically includes periods of attraction, connection and intimacy, followed by other periods of more distance, acceptance (vs. attraction), and a possible neutrality.  Some couples may also dip into periods of real struggle. 

SIGNS OF A GREAT RELATIONSHIP: WHAT DO "GREAT" RELATIONSHIPS LOOK LIKE?

A client once told me that she'd been in two great relationships in her life--and didn't realize it until they were over.  She was determined to not repeat that same mistake the next time a great one came around.  My first thought was she'd have to know what one looked like in the first place.  She'd then have to recognize one when she was in it--not after she left it.

Unfortunately, there is little information on what a great relationship actually looks like.  The relationships portrayed in the movies and media are often either horrific or glorified fantasies that have little to no basis in reality. Where would we go for a realistic view of what healthy, great relationships look like?  If we don't have friends, family, or relatives who modeled them, chances are we have no clue about what one looks like.

The media portrays great relationships as ones with gorgeous partners who have no conflict and hot sex.  Give me a break.  How many couples do you know of who are gorgeous, can't keep their hands off each other, and never argue?  If you know of any couples who fit this description, chances are they're under twenty-five and seeing each other less than a year.  This kind of love is simply the honeymoon period and not a sign of a great, lasting relationship.  The media's images of a great relationship, I believe, perpetuates our difficulties in recognizing one when we see it or are living in it. 

Over the years I've come up with several signs of a great relationship...relationships that actually exist. Below are factors inherent in all great relationships most, if not all, of the time: