Straight Talk On Relationships

MEN…AFRAID OF WOMEN? WHY MANY MEN ARE AFRAID OF THEIR PARTNERS AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

Throughout the years, I’ve worked with many couples in which the man was highly reactive and prone to rage, control, and verbal abuse; not surprisingly, the woman was often scared of his anger.  After living with the reactivity for several years however, the women in these types of relationships often get fed up and bring the men in as a last ditch effort:  he either stops raging or she’s leaving.  If he truly wants the marriage, he stops the rage and the marriage transforms.  If he doesn’t, the marriage is often over.

 

This is not the case however, in my experience, when the tables are turned and the woman is the highly reactive one.  In this situation the man is often so fearful of the woman that he does not call her on her behavior at all.  He’s afraid she will get angrier, retaliate, make threats, or get hysterical, so he tries to placate her and wait until she calms down. 

 

Unfortunately, this seldom works in the long run.  If her reactivity doesn’t subside and he’s too scared to deal with it directly, many men begin to escape via work, affairs, porn or depression.  

 

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Talk about mistakes...yikes here I have a relationship blog and I almost forget to post on Valentine's Day!  I suppose I was so caught up with my own relationships with my husband and children that I forgot to post.  Hopefully you all are doing the same and just enjoying some special time with your loved ones too.

This Valentine's remember to treat those closest to you best, and take the time to let them know you care.  Get a card, write a note, sprinkle some tenderness, and be thankful for all that you have.  Also remember that the most precious gift--your presence, love and attention--is free.  Make sure you're fully present this Valentine's Day sharing the very best part of yourself with the person you care about.

If you're not in a romantic relationship, don't focus on who you don't have and instead be thankful for who you do.  Enjoy the night with some friends or family and be thankful you have others to share it with.  Do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself or on any single friends you have.  Just enjoy the sweets and relax.

CHALLENGE: Be kind, loving, and warm-hearted for this entire weekend and extend Valentine's Day to beyond a box of candy or bouquet of flowers.  Your partner will love your relational gift and you'll feel better for it.  

THE ECONOMIC SHAKE UP AND RELATIONSHIPS: 5 TIPS TO STAYING CENTERED IN THE STRESS

It’s hard to imagine anyone who isn’t impacted by our economy today on some level.  People are getting laid off left and right, stocks are all over the place, retirements are dropping, credit cards are hiking their rates to egregious and ridiculous percentages, foreclosures are skyrocketing and on and on.

 

Given all the turmoil, what can you do to try to stay calm and not get caught up in the drama and stress of it all?  Here are five tips couples can do to support one another and not emotionally get caught up in the storm:

1. Discuss your concerns with your partner calmly and early on:  Talk about your fears, stress etc., early on rather than waiting until you’re overwhelmed and freaking out.  If you and your partner approach this as a team from the start, it will be more manageable and neither one of you will have to carry the weight alone.

  

MARRIAGE IS A MAGNIFYING GLASS NOT A SOLUTION

Over the years I’ve seen many people get married for the wrong reasons.  Some women get married thinking that will stop their boyfriend from cheating. Others may marry to calm their partner’s jealousies. Many people marry believing it will solve the problems in their relationship.

 

Unfortunately, none of these ever work.

 

You see there’s a funny thing about marriage…rather than changing things or people, it just intensifies what’s already there.  If you’re partner has a drinking problem prior to marriage, chances are s/he will have an even bigger drinking problem after marriage.  If you’re partner’s a flirt and untrustworthy before the big day, do NOT expect that to stop after the big day.  Marriage intensifies the good and the bad.  If the bad is intolerable now…fix it before you get married or move on.

 

THE POWER OF STAYING IN THE PRESENT IN RELATIONSHIPS

Too often we are guilty of living in the past or forever focusing on the future. In relationships, this can be a true detriment.  Sometimes we even look to the past to predict the future. For example: 

 

• Sue won’t ask her partner to help clean since the last time she asked him he refused and started a fight.  She’s sure he’ll do the same now too.
• Dan won’t ask his wife to go bike riding since she often comes up with an excuse and he’s tired of hearing excuses.
• Mary decided to buy herself an expensive item for her birthday, behind her husband’s back, because she knew he would throw a fit if she discussed it with him.

We often think we know how our partners will respond in any given moment; we then base our actions (or lack of actions) on that assumption.  Unfortunately, our assumptions are not always right.  If we continue to think we KNOW what our partner is going to do and we then act accordingly, we run the risk of getting ourselves in a ridiculous rut.  We base our actions on things that happened in the past and in so doing, we do not leave room for a new future.