Straight Talk On Relationships

THE PRESENT IS PERFECT: LOOKING FOR THE GIFTS IN THE MOST DIFFICULT OF TIMES

I remember first hearing the concept the present is perfect when I started taking coaching courses.  Initially, although I understood the concept in theory, I certainly was not practicing it in real life.  In fact, I remember being really excited about taking a class on it.  When I couldn’t dial into the class call I was very frustrated.  I kept re-dialing the number, sighing, checking and rechecking the number, more sighing, muttering frustrations and on and on.  After ten minutes of this, I finally decided to let it go.  As soon as I calmed myself, I remembered the purpose of the call…the present is perfect.  I realized there must be a reason I wasn’t getting on the call.  I settled into that thought and used the time to get things done that I hadn’t had time to do.  The following week I found out the call didn’t happen due to a problem with the bridge line.

This moment was a great teaching moment for me.  I finally got it.  Things happen for a reason and if we slow ourselves down long enough to tune in, we often will see what that reason is. 

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS START AT THE FIRST HELLO

When Sally first started dating Dan she was enthralled.  He was incredibly handsome, very successful and the life of the party.  She loved his sense of humor and his ability to get along with anyone. 

She also hated that he was the life of the party and his ability to get along with anyone -- especially other women.

Sally couldn’t believe Dan liked her and she was determined to do whatever she needed to do to keep him liking her.  This meant that she would not speak to him about the things that bothered her -- his drinking and flirting.  Although she didn’t like that he flirted with everyone in his vicinity, she knew he was going home with her.  She also figured that he would outgrow his partying ways, so she didn’t mention his drinking either.

THE GIVE AND TAKE OF RELATIONSHIPS; DOING WHAT YOU’RE NOT PSYCHED ABOUT DOING FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR PARTNER

I’ve had many couples come through my office doors struggling because they have no common interests.  They complain that neither of them likes to do what the other likes to do.  It may be that one partner likes to bike ride while the other likes to take walks or one likes sports and the other one likes anything but sports.  Whatever the particulars are, it’s clear that they are not on the same page.

While I’m not surprised by the differences, what I am surprised about is the unwillingness of both partners to just go with the flow once in a while.  So what if you don’t particularly like plays. You like your partner right?  Every once in a while it’s not only okay to do something you’re not psyched about doing, it’s actually vital to a healthy relationship. 

Don’t we make our children do things all the time that they’re not excited about doing?  We drag them to their sibling’s events, their grandparent’s charity event, their cousin’s band recital etc.  Why?  Because that’s what relationships are all about—give and take.  There are times in life when we do things because relationally, it’s the right thing to do.

THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING TO YOUR INNER VOICE IN RELATIONSHIPS: Stop quieting your self and start listening

Have you ever had that nagging feeling that something just wasn’t right?  Perhaps you feel anxious about your partner’s drinking or worried your partner’s pulling away or… (fill in the blank).  All you know is that you’re not happy with this “thing”, yet every time you bring it to your partner’s attention, they deny it. 

After a while, you decide to just let it go.

The only problem is…it comes back. 

That anxiety about your partner’s drinking turns into a nightmare of their drunkenness.  Your partner’s denial of pulling away turns into their hidden affair.  You’re sense of needing more from this relationship turns into you getting your emotional needs met outside the relationship.  Whatever the issue was that you talked yourself into dropping, inevitably comes back to haunt you.  You didn’t trust your instincts and now you end up paying the price.

Lisa Merlo-Booth to Conduct Seminar on Women and Their Relationships!

SMART WOMEN CREATING SMART RELATIONSHIPS
Developing the Skills You Need to Get Through Tough Times

Only 18 days left!!  Register for what is sure to be a most enlightening and consciousness shifting experience!
Don’t miss this opportunity to ask questions and receive the “Straight Talk” from one of America’s most effective Relationship Coaches.
Whether your focus is:

1. Exploring ways to be more successful in your current relationships or
2. Identifying and freeing yourself from negative patterns from previous relationships

You can benefit from attending this seminar!
Bring a friend to share this amazing experience!

When:  Sunday, May 3rd

Where:  Hilton at Dedham Place
   25 Allied Drive
   Dedham, MA.
   781/329-7900

Time:  6:00 – 8:00pm
To Register: E-mail me directly at: l.merlobooth@charter.net or
Send checks for $30.00 to:  Lisa Merlo Booth
        9 East Central Street, Suite 4
        Franklin, MA.  02038

I am looking forward to seeing you there!!

APPRECIATION IN RELATIONSHIPS: DO YOU APPRECIATE YOUR LOVED ONES? CAN THEY TELL?

We’re often so trained at seeing what’s wrong—with people, projects and issues—that we sometimes lose our ability to see what’s right.  Our child gets a B on a test and we focus on the A they missed.  Our partner comes home an hour early and we ask why they don’t come home at that time every day.  Our friends give us a call out of the blue and we ask why they waited so long.  We forget that when it comes to relationships, a critical lens isn’t always the best lens.

Relationships require nourishment, not just critiques.  It’s fine to work on improving them, strengthening them or adjusting them, however, it’s equally important to appreciate them.  If there are things you like about your partner, child, friend, etc., then tell them.  Be thankful for what they do and let them know you’re thankful.  You don’t have to love everything about them, however you do have to love something…and you need to tell them.

CHALLENGE:  For the next week, change your relationship lens.  Focus on what your loved ones are doing well and highlight it.  Tell them “thank you.”  Tell them you love having them in your life.  Tell them (fill in the blank).  I don’t care what positive feedback you give them…as long as you give it.  Notice what happens as a result.

MY PARTNER HAD AN AFFAIR AND NOW I’VE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM/HER. IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET IT BACK?

On my Straight Talk Live call today one person asked, “Is it possible to ever respect your partner again after an affair.”  This was such an interesting question because, as the caller stated, most of the information about healing from an affair is about trust not respect.  The truth is the two often go hand in hand.

It’s very common for the betrayed partner to lose respect for the offending partner following an affair.  Common statements by betrayed partners include:

• “I just didn’t think my wife was that kind of person.”
• “He had everyone fooled, I guess.  I suppose his true colors finally came out.”
• “He’s not the person I thought I married.”
• “We obviously don’t have the same values anymore.  I can’t even bear to look at her.”

RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE: ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY VITAL

This has been an interesting week for me professionally.  Have you ever had one of those weeks in which the same theme keeps coming into your life again and again?  If you haven’t, believe me it’s a weird phenomenon.

The theme this week: verbal and physical abuse that starts between the couple and trickles down to the children.  I keep getting calls and e-mails from women asking me what to do about their toxic partners who have been verbally abusive for years.  Ninety percent of the time, the women also state their children are picking up this abuse and turning their anger on their mother as well. 

These women say they lost themselves somewhere along the way.  They’re fighting depression, confused about what to do in their relationships and are scared for the future of their children.  They know they have to do something, yet have no idea what that something is.  Many of them ask me to please see or speak to their husband or child, hoping I might get through to them.

CHEAT SHEET TO BEING RELATIONAL: FOUR TIPS THAT CAN TURN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AROUND TODAY

Fortunately – or unfortunately – there are several common mistakes people make in their relationships that lead to an increased distance.  For those of you who would like to close the gap between you and your partner, here are four tips for you to begin incorporating today in your relationship so you can feel the changes tomorrow:

o Listen to understand.  When your partner is sharing his or her experience, your goal is to be able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a moment.  You want to be able to get, on a gut level, what your partner is thinking, feeling and experiencing.  This is true whether s/he is sharing something about her/his upset over something you did or sharing about an experience that had nothing to do with you.  Your job is to listen and get the gist of what it’s like from your partner’s perspective. 

It’s important to note that understanding what it’s like for your partner does not mean you agree with her/him.  It simply means you understand.  For example, if my partner tells me he was upset that I wore jeans to church because when he was a kid that was seen as disrespectful, I can understand how he thinks that, given his upbringing.  I personally don’t agree that it’s disrespectful, yet I can understand what it might feel like to him.