MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AN AFFAIR-FREE ZONE

I continually get couples into my office following an affair, in the midst of an affair, on the brink of an affair or in the early stages of a potential affair.

These affairs or potential affairs are…killing marriages.

Those of us in committed relationships need to stop playing with fire.  If we play with fire enough, eventually we will get burned.  Here are four ways that people in committed relationships play with potential affair fires:

1. They go out, alone, with a person of the opposite sex (or same sex if you’re gay).  “Going out” does not just refer to a date or to dinner.  It can also include: breakfast, a cup of coffee, a drink, dinner or a snack.  The bottom line is -- when you go out individually with someone of the opposite sex (who is not a blood relative), you are opening yourself up for potential feelings, friendships and attractions.  It’s best to avoid this risk whenever possible.  Bottom Line:  going out one-on-one with a person of the opposite sex is a BAD idea. (NOTE:  The occasional meeting is fine...but I mean occasional.  It should be the exception not the rule).

2. People share their personal trials and tribulations with a person of the opposite sex.  They may start by having surface level conversations about work or food, etc.  As they begin to spend more and more time together, the conversations then progress beyond work or food to problems at home, with finances, with their partner and on and on.  Each person then tries to be a champion to the other person and help them through their struggles.  They then become an emotional support to one another and BAM…begin to have an emotional affair.  Bottom Line:  Sharing your personal life (problems and struggles) is a BAD idea and is often the opening to affairs.

3. They stay late for work with a co-worker and begin to get into fascinating discussions about the next project.  As each discussion becomes more and more intellectually stimulating, they begin to increase their late nights at the office.  The attraction begins as a mutual respect for one another’s intellect and job skills…and blossoms into a general attraction for the person.  This general attraction easily grows into a sexual attraction as well.  Bottom Line:  Late nights at the office, with co-workers, is a BAD idea.  Go home to your family, tuck the kids into bed and give your partner a kiss.

4. Men and women alike, flirt “innocently” with those around them.  When we are flirting, we’re sending out signals that we’re interested, we’re available and we want some attention.  Go home and flirt with your partner and stop bringing the playful side of you to everyone else.  Flirting is too often minimized by the person flirting.  Stop minimizing, justifying or rationalizing your flirting and just STOP IT.  Bottom Line:  Flirting sends the message that there’s a possibility.  If there’s a possibility, you’re not protecting your relationship.

Our culture is constantly sending us messages about sex, relationships, affairs, flirting and the like that are damaging to committed relationships.  It’s difficult enough to create healthy relationships in this culture; we don’t need to make it more difficult by playing with fire.  Focus your attention on the relationship you’re in.  Bring you’re best self to this relationship and get your eyes off of others.

CHALLENGE:  Protect your relationship by avoiding common pitfalls that lead to affairs.  Regarding interactions with those of the opposite sex (or same sex if gay): don’t go out alone with a potential affair partner, don’t stay late at work collaborating one-on-one, avoid conversing about your life struggles with them and stop the flirting...unless it’s with your partner. 

Comments

[L. Knowlan]

This is the most narrow-minded old-paradigm advice I have read in a while. This puts so much pressure on the spouse / partner to be everything that most relationships will be doomed to failure. If you aren't secure enough in your commitment to have other friends of the opposite sex, then perhaps you shouldn't be married.

[Chair22202]

Agree - redirecting that playful energy and mutual admiration to the committed relationship is more appropriate advice, then advising someone to STOP a certain behavior. Demanding that someone STOP a certain behavior is more dangerous than not. It is not taboo to have friendships with the opposite sex based on mutual respect and similar interests. A great many people are able to balance friendships and relationships. Not every association is a threat to the current relationship. That's plain insecurity speaking! A relationship is either working or not working. If working, nothing can breach the fortress surrounding it. If not working, it is advisable to dig deep, one will discover lack of communication, disrespect, and deep emotional chasms at the core. If an honest assessment is made, one learns that the root cause(s) of any break up or affair lies with the two individuals inside that relationship.