Obviously my post on Making Your Relationship An Affair-Free Zone has struck a chord.
L.Knowlan commented:
"This is the most narrow-minded old-paradigm advice I have read in a while. This puts so much pressure on the spouse / partner to be everything that most relationships will be doomed to failure. If you aren't secure enough in your commitment to have other friends of the opposite sex, then perhaps you shouldn't be married."
CHAIR22202 wrote: "...That's plain insecurity speaking! A relationship is either working or not working...”
Perhaps I should have been clearer: Having an occasional lunch, cup of coffee or the like with a person of the opposite sex is fine. However, the key word here is occasional. Occasional does not mean every other week or even once a month. This should be the exception and not the rule.
Is this insecurity speaking? Ask the thousands of people who've had affairs how they started. It is a myth that affairs happen only in couples that are unhappy. Again, ask the people who've had them if all of them were unhappy in their marriages. Although many would say yes, many others would say no. Some affairs happen because the right set of circumstances developed between the right set of people--neither of whom were protecting their relationships from the possibility of an affair; they didn't think they had too!
It is naive to think that you are not susceptible to an affair and that as long as you're relationship at home is fine, nothing can harm that. Going out one-on-one with people who's company you enjoy, thinking you admire and skills you respect is fine on a rare occasion.
It is playing with fire if you do it any more than that.
This is true even in the workplace. I cannot tell you how many people have had office affairs that started as business lunches with colleagues they were not even attracted to.
CHALLENGE: For those of you who have been impacted by affairs (either you had an affair or your partner had one) chime in on this and let us know your experience...it could be eye opening for many.
I have spent the last year year with an unhappy husband...never imaging it could be a by product of an affair. It was - an affair with one of his best high school friends - a woman. She had become a close friend of mine over the last five years until he told me everything.
We are in our 30's - with a large group of friends and we never worried about friends of the opposite sex.
Why did the friendship change in romance after almost 15 years?
The right set of circumstances and too much one on one time. They began relating to each other instead of their spouses (she is married to one of his best friends).
This advice sounds very old fashioned but somethings never change - it's human wiring which causes some behaviors. They got close because they spent too much alone time together. Don't avoid all opposite sex friendships but be aware of the potential when one on one time repeatedly is involved.
Posted by: Grace King | July 26, 2009 at 08:32 PM
Thank you for posting the link to that article, Lisa Spiegel. It was very interesting for an affair-survivor.
Posted by: AB | July 02, 2009 at 06:42 PM
There is an interesting piece in the NY Times today about how many marriages survive affairs. It is relevant to this discussion. Thanks for the post and reporting on the backlash.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/28/fashion/28marriage.html?_r=1&ref=style
Lisa Spiegel, Soho Parenting
Posted by: Lisa Spiegel | June 28, 2009 at 09:59 PM
Life is choice.
People who have affairs CHOOSE to do so. This post with its rule about not having one-on-one time with people of the gender to which you're attracted (awkward construction but avoids heterosexism) implies that people aren't able to choose - that their animal instincts will take over and they'll be completely unable to resist an affair by spending time alone with someone else other than their partner.
To me that's the same argument used for why women should wear a burka - because men are unable to resist seeing a woman's body shape and they'll go sexually wild at the temptation.
Take personal responsibility, people!
I ask one thing of my partner - if he ever feels like having an affair, before he takes that final step and starts something, he stop and talk to me. I ask that because as a human being he's capable of saying "no". I think people come up with rules like this one because they'd rather have a controlling rule than communicate openly about their feelings with their partners.
BTW, if I were to follow this rule, I wouldn't ever be able to have alone time with about 80% of my friends who are also all gay men. And what about bisexual people? They can never be alone with anyone?
Posted by: Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome | June 24, 2009 at 02:00 AM
Personally, I agree and disagree with you. I am the kind of person who has never even dreamed about another man other than my husband. However, my husband is the kind of person who is very susceptible to compliments or those intimate feelings you start having with people and turns these into something bigger. I don't. I know that yes in a different place and different time, me and these guys could possibly under the right conditions be more than friends but that time and place is not here and now. I am married and very much in love with my husband. So pretty much I can have guy friends that I go on walks with at work etc. but it's best if he doesn't because he knows he is susceptible to these feelings. I guess you have to know which kind of person you are. I would NEVER cheat, I have told him a million times, if I want someone else, you will be the first to know.
Posted by: Susie | June 16, 2009 at 08:28 AM
My Wife was accused of attempting an affair sometime back. When I was told about it a couple of years ago I was devastated. The emotional roller coaster ride of the thought alone was enough and is enough to bring down the strongest person. It turned out someone was trying to damage our relationship because they had a crush on my friendly talkative wife and wanted her because he thought she would be more fun to be with than his significant other.
This guy had greener pastures syndrome, all he ever saw was her friendly be nice to the customer side and his imagination went wild.
I agree, very limited exposure to the opposite sex and be careful of what you talk about. As far as a relationship either is working out or it isn't is hog wash. Relationships only work when we put our energy into them, so where you put your energy is where your heart is. Quit playing with fire!
Posted by: Dan | June 16, 2009 at 05:55 AM
I'm not sure how to put the "affair proof" advice in the context of the huge number of people who intentionally live public magnanimous/private polyamory lives. Especially the number of women with children who have no intention of leaving their husband, but have no intention of giving up the excitement of other men. This behavior has probably always been true more than society would admit, but now its common and normal. Of course, men have always behaved this way.
The rules of this behavior seem to be never admit guilt to the spouse. Many spouses will agree that affair proofing is a great idea, it just isn't going to apply to their other life.
A good looking man in a large office environment with a significant number of women has many opportunities for extra marital sex without needing to seduce anyone. Sorry women readers, that's just the way it is.
Let me say too that many women (and men) who are outraged when their spouse is unfaithful participate in the same behavior.
What's my point? I'm not sure. Just that reality needs to be incorporated into any discussion of "affair proofing". And also that there's no use in pretending that there is obvious benefit to the unfaithful. It's hard to give up the thrill of new attraction and sex when married.
I'm liberal, somewhat authority resistant, so I don't automatically respect rules. But I seem to be naturally monogamous. (It seems to me that being with just one of you women is a full time job) I was devastated by my ex wife's other life. So I'm not promoting the benefits of multiple partners.
Anyway, I'm still thrilled by women. But I now understand the importance of being a well rounded and non-dependent individual. I will always love women, and maybe knowing the relationship might be temporary will be a motivation to fully appreciate my partner.
Even if I don't agree Lisa "nailed it" with rules, there are no easy answers and these discussions are important. Thanks for your columns Lisa.
DEAR DON: You're very welcome. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Lisa
Posted by: Don | June 15, 2009 at 04:49 PM
I totally agree with the article. Most of my life my friends and family have known me as being honest to a fault, even I thought of myself as the most honest and faithful person. When I married I "knew" I would never cheat on my husband... Then I started taking personal training lessons and having coffee with my trainer alone - pretty soon the innocent friendship turned into much more. I never planned it, but I was powerless to stop the attraction that I let start because I allowed myself to spend a lot of one-on-one time with another man. People, be smart - if what you are doing would make your partner uncomfortable then stop! No one is super human -
Posted by: Maria | June 15, 2009 at 01:21 PM
Sure, not every one-on-one coffee/meal/drinks with a friend of the opposite sex will turn sexual, but why risk it? My wife made plans to spend a day out of town with some old friends, male and female, and it turns out one of the guys (married) had a crush on her from way back. End of the day comes, the others have left, and he, to her surprise, gives her a lingering goodbye kiss on the lips. She insists she did not give him any "green light" signals, but admits she didn't resist either. it escalated from there and was the start of an affair that went on for 10 years. When I'd ask, she would say "oh, we're just old friends." PIECE OF ADVICE - if hear this phrase - BEWARE! If you don't believe me, read the book - Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass, PhD. I wish I had read it 15 years ago. If we are all so open and understanding, then take your spouse along the next time you want to spend time with friend(s) of the opposite sex. It could save your marriage without you even knowing it
Posted by: Brian O'Connor | June 15, 2009 at 01:03 PM
At one point in time, I was the "other woman" in an affair with a coworker. Yes, I knew he was married. Human beings have the unique problem of making decisions with their heads AND their hearts. Had I made a decision with my head in this case, the affair would never have happened. But it did, and all I can tell you is it wasn't a one-night-stand, there were deep emotions involved, and I was giving him something he didn't have in his marriage---and it wasn't sex. It was a deep emotional bond. It all began because I allowed this man into my personal life. Instead of discussing work, we discussed home, what we want in life, our opinions on everything under the sun. That's when we noticed similarities in our thinking, and our conversations blossomed. Pretty soon, what began as harmless banter at work became going out for coffee on our time off. It almost seemed out of our control and unless you've been one half of an affair, you may not understand that statement. It literally does feel out of your control. The affair is now long over. It did ruin lives (not his marriage, however). I think about it every day, and I really don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for it. It's a terrible decision that I'm forced to live with for the rest of my life.
DEAR K: Thank you for your courage to share this. I'm sure there are many others who can relate to your story. I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson the hard way--and it's good to hear you learned it.
Regards-Lisa
Posted by: K. Senford | June 14, 2009 at 11:24 AM
You're spot on. Everyone is susceptible to an affair. I believe it is naive to think that "it will never happen to me." Allowing excessive amounts of time alone with the opposite sex creates moments of intimacy, not necessarily sexual, but allows a connection to be created. If the moment to be sexual presents itself it is very difficult to pull away. We're not superhuman. The feelings that come about are ones that you may not have experienced in a very long time and quite honestly, over whelming.
Posted by: Laura Moorman | June 12, 2009 at 03:20 PM
I agree with the author's advice. I have male acquaintances and I cannot imagine meeting them alone for coffee. I have had male coworkers who I have gone to lunch with but it is rarely alone, almost always with other co-workers. Why be tempted?
Posted by: Marie Wolfe | June 12, 2009 at 02:24 PM
I agree with the article. I mean, common sense tells a man or a woman that affairs don't start one day when you are walking down the street and you bump into a stranger. (With the exception to those whom prefer one-night-stands at bars) The average affair is NOT a one-nighter. It is with someone with whom you spend time with, laughing with, getting to know, and seeing traits in that person that you wish your partner had. And, then there are internet affairs--don't even get me started on that.
Posted by: A Dixon | June 12, 2009 at 02:12 PM