Straight Talk On Relationships

SAYING YES TO SEX, OUT OF OBLIGATION OR TO AVOID A REACTION FROM YOUR PARTNER, IS NOT A YES; NOR IS IT GOOD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Over the years I can’t tell you how many women I’ve worked with who’ve talked about their decision to say yes to their husband’s advances simply to avoid his upset, pressure, anger or pouting.  Some believe they are obligated to provide sex to their husband as the wife; they give in because it is their duty (This is also true in non-marital relationships).

The bottom-line: many women are saying yes to sex because of their sense of obligation and/or fear of their partner’s reaction to a “no” 

Terry Real, my long-time mentor, calls this being a “sex slave”.  If you believe you do not have the right to say no, then your “yes” is not a “yes”.  As you can imagine, being a sex slave will erode sexual desire. 

WHEN THE UNIVERSE SPEAKS—LISTEN: STRAIGHT TALK LIVE CALLS

Several months ago I decided to start up free monthly call-in sessions for my readers.  I get many e-mails from readers asking for advice throughout the month.  Unfortunately I cannot reply to everyone, so I thought I’d offer a free call in which readers could ask me their questions live.  Sounds good, right? 

I moved forward on this idea and had a virtual assistant set the entire call up for me. 

On the day of the first call, I realized the information was correct in one of the auto-responders, but had not been corrected in the second auto-responder.  Result: frustrated callers. 

I went back to the virtual assistant to correct all the information—which she assured me had been done—and I tried again a second month.  But apparently it had not been corrected correctly. 

Call number two -- just as frustrating as the first one.

BRING YOUR BEST SELF INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP--EVEN IN TOUGH TIMES

Why is it that so many people bring their best selves into their relationships with anybody and everybody except their partners?  They’re funny with their friends, on top of things at work, loving to their children…and cranky, lazy, distant and serious with their partners.

Busy schedules, long days, small disagreements, snappy comments...and before you know it, you’re both a little annoyed.  If you don’t deal with the annoyance, it grows.  One annoyance then builds upon another and another, until the laughter quiets, the affection diminishes and the playfulness stops.

Soon, either one or both of you stop being the person you were when you met.  Sometimes you’re not aware of this until it’s too late.

BACKLASH TO PROTECTING YOUR MARRAIGE FROM AFFAIRS POST: NO ONE-ON-ONE IS A BIT EXTREME...Isn't it?

Obviously my post on Making Your Relationship An Affair-Free Zone has struck a chord.

L.Knowlan commented:

"This is the most narrow-minded old-paradigm advice I have read in a while.  This puts so much pressure on the spouse / partner to be everything that most relationships will be doomed to failure.  If you aren't secure enough in your commitment to have other friends of the opposite sex, then perhaps you shouldn't be married."

CHAIR22202 wrote: "...That's plain insecurity speaking! A relationship is either working or not working...”

Perhaps I should have been clearer:  Having an occasional lunch, cup of coffee or the like with a person of the opposite sex is fine.  However, the key word here is occasional.  Occasional does not mean every other week or even once a month.  This should be the exception and not the rule.

Is this insecurity speaking?  Ask the thousands of people who've had affairs how they started.  It is a myth that affairs happen only in couples that are unhappy.  Again, ask the people who've had them if all of them were unhappy in their marriages.  Although many would say yes, many others would say no.  Some affairs happen because the right set of circumstances developed between the right set of people--neither of whom were protecting their relationships from the possibility of an affair; they didn't think they had too!

RELATIONSHIPS AND ANGER: WHEN IS IT OKAY TO YELL OR SPEAK HARSHLY?

At times I’m taken aback by how many people -- men and women alike -- believe that it’s okay to speak harshly or yell at others in anger.  I’ve even had clients call me “one of those frickin’ feminists” when I stated it wasn’t okay to swear at their wives.  Sadly, they are not alone in this belief.

Many men and women believe that yelling, swearing and/or speaking severely to their child, co-worker, lover or spouse is a part of relationships.  They believe that harsh speaking is warranted at times and often understandable. 

While they justify their callousness, the people caught in their cross-fire cringe.  

ANOTHER LESSON FROM THE DALAI LAMA: A DIFFERENT VIEW

As I was listening to the Dalai Lama a few weeks ago, I was struck by how much he projected love, joy and a child-like playfulness.  He appeared to be centered, calm and…well, happy.  It struck me because I don’t see that very often, in my work or in life. 

One of his life rules (my words), which is paramount to his happiness is:  When bad things happen or we find ourselves in a difficult or painful situation, remember to look at the situation from a different view.  We often get so caught up in our pain and upset that it becomes the only thing we see.  Consequently, we often miss the gift.

The example the Dalai Lama gave was the loss of Tibet.  He stated that although that was a very painful experience, it also resulted in many rewarding and life-changing opportunities.  The loss of Tibet led to his travel all over the world, his ability to speak to thousands of people on behalf of his people and his beliefs and it led to many, many other opportunities that he would not have been able to otherwise have. 

VOTE FOR BEST COACHING BLOG CONTEST

Hello fellow readers,

I just entered a best coaching blog contest and could use your support. If you enjoy my blog...please go to  http://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/best-coaching-blogs-2009  and vote for my Straight Talk On Relationships Blog.  Be sure to click the UP arrow.

Thanks so much for your support!

Warmly,

Lisa