At times I’m taken aback by how many people -- men and women alike -- believe that it’s okay to speak harshly or yell at others in anger. I’ve even had clients call me “one of those frickin’ feminists” when I stated it wasn’t okay to swear at their wives. Sadly, they are not alone in this belief.
Many men and women believe that yelling, swearing and/or speaking severely to their child, co-worker, lover or spouse is a part of relationships. They believe that harsh speaking is warranted at times and often understandable.
While they justify their callousness, the people caught in their cross-fire cringe.
The bottom line is: the only time speaking harshly is warranted, is for safety (such as stopping a child from running into the street) or protection from physical abuse. Otherwise, it is not okay to yell, swear, belittle or speak unkindly to others. Period.
You can be angry, speak with a firm, but not raised voice, tell a person you are angry, set a limit and/or make a request. You are OFF if you yell or are disrespectful in any way. This is true regardless of what the other person has done or is doing. Their behavior does not give you the green light to be harsh or verbally abusive (such as yelling, swearing at, name calling or belittling someone). Stop looking for times when it’s okay to speak harshly and instead be determined to give -- and take -- nothing less than respect.
CHALLENGE: If you continue to snap at others, yell in anger or justify your harshness because of the behaviors of others—STOP IT. There is no justification. Commit to taking disrespect and verbal abuse off the table in your relationships and notice what happens as a result.
My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with me and as I look back at the time we were together, I have come to realize that as he yelled and cussed at me, I felt unworthy of anyone and began to date out of fear of loosing someone I thought I needed. I walked on 'egg shells' for this last year wondering when something I did or said would upset him and he would leave. I can now see how disrespectful he was to me and that I did not deserve to be treated this way. I am rebuilding myself and know that if God has someone out there for me, it will be a man who respects me and all that I am.
DEAR REBECCA: Good for you!
Lisa
Posted by: Rebecca | July 08, 2009 at 12:04 PM
To all those that have commented everyone deserves respect in a relationship. If you are not getting it in your relationship, then demand it. If they are unwilling to give it, then you may want to consider other alternatives rather than being in a relationship with this person. You may have to move on to truly greener pastures, if you can.
Posted by: Alvin | July 01, 2009 at 12:28 PM
I have had anger issues in the past. Today I try to not make anger a matter of habit. I must admit there are times I slip up. How do I stop doing this. I grew up in an abuse home, was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I realize that these experiences are contributors to anger issues but I know that they are not excuses. I want to know if any marriage has none or has never had anger, or yelling or harsh words spoken. I almost feel like a failure in this area. I believe that a relationship that I have had for a year was ended because on an incident of harsh words and anger. Will I ever be able to conduct myself without ever experiencing anger, yelling or harsh words, even as I try my hardest not to. How do I accomplish this. Someone please tell me how.
Posted by: Margaret | June 13, 2009 at 03:03 PM
WOW. This is sad. Mine is like alot of yours out there 2. He's selfish, never listens, NEVER understands or has any empathy. I'm the exact opposite of him and his anger is so hurtful that sometimes I just wanna get away from him altogether.
Posted by: Laurie | June 12, 2009 at 11:42 PM
My husband tends to fly off the handle about things that have little significance. He will say horrible and hurtful things and thinks if he apologizes, it's fixed. It's just another brick in the resentment wall. I have brought this to his attention and he says he's always been like this. I promise you, had he been this tightly wound when we were dating there is no way I'd be married right now.
Posted by: Care | June 12, 2009 at 12:51 AM
I totally relate to you on that one. My husband does the same thing. Yells at everyone and will not listen. I can whisper or speak in a monotone flat voice and he says I am yelling. He dismisses me and says that I have nothing to say that is worth listening to.
Posted by: Kim | June 10, 2009 at 08:37 PM
My husband says I'm yelling when I'm being firm - not raising my voice. And, when I say something he doesn't like, he yells at me.
Posted by: Barbara | June 10, 2009 at 12:18 PM