Over the years I can’t tell you how many women I’ve worked with who’ve talked about their decision to say yes to their husband’s advances simply to avoid his upset, pressure, anger or pouting. Some believe they are obligated to provide sex to their husband as the wife; they give in because it is their duty (This is also true in non-marital relationships).
The bottom-line: many women are saying yes to sex because of their sense of obligation and/or fear of their partner’s reaction to a “no”
Terry Real, my long-time mentor, calls this being a “sex slave”. If you believe you do not have the right to say no, then your “yes” is not a “yes”. As you can imagine, being a sex slave will erode sexual desire.
Sex can be a wonderful act of intimacy between two people who care about one another. It’s a gift to the relationship. Gifts, however, need to be freely given in order for both the giver and receiver to feel good about the experience. When women have sex because they think they have to, it takes the gift out of the giving. Many men will tell you they notice.
Men and women alike, deserve to have partners who want to be sexual with them, enjoy being sexual and who respect one another’s right to choose not to be sexual at any given time. If you’re making the decision to have sex with someone out of duty, obligation or fear, then it’s time to look at your sex life. It’s okay to say yes when you’re not really in the mood but you know you can get in the mood; it’s not okay to say yes to sex because you don’t believe you can say no. This will kill intimacy and any sexual desire you may have otherwise had.
CHALLENGE: When it comes to sex, make the decision to be true to yourself and say yes when you know you can do so with a good spirit. Do not put yourself in the “sex slave” position. Decide if you’d like to share this with your partner and if so, enjoy the intimacy. Commit to not say yes out of obligation or fear; say yes because you want to.
I notice some talk about the bad news first husband. If you are saying no very often to your husband it is a pretty good indicator that the marriage is bad. And that is my point. If you really do not want to have sex with your husband, you should free him so he can find someone who does. For men, sex is an appetite as well as an emotional thing. For women the emphasis is reversed - the emotion is way ahead of the appetite. If your husband only ate once a day, but was devastated if you ate without him, how would you feel?? You would feel deprived, and maybe resentful, and you would probably be sneaking food on the side or with someone else!
Posted by: Milo | October 10, 2009 at 01:08 PM
In my marriage if I don't say yes, not only will it be a BIG fight, with very loud yelling and bad name calling, my husband will tell me "if you don't do your job someone else will". This coming from a man that sleeps in the living room every night, not in the bed were I sleep. Sex and taking care of our kids seems to be all I am good for to him. I have 7 children with this man. I don't know how I let my life get this way.
DEAR KAY: Regardless of how you let your life get this way, it's not too late to change it--for your sake and the sake of your children. When you don't stand up for yourself you teach your children to not stand up for themselves. This is a dangerous lesson to be teaching. You deserve to be treated well. Stop giving him sex to avoid a fight. If he goes else where, send him packing. If he chooses to treat you cherishingly, great--he can stay. If not, take care of yourself and your family by not taking the emotional abuse.
Warm regards-Lisa
Posted by: Kay Johnson | July 09, 2009 at 01:51 PM
I also agree with this article, but I offer a different perspective. My wife was the one pushing. I had no interest in sex with her, but gave in about every 4 weeks to her nagging. I was loyal, but uninterested in her. This was a symptom of deeper issues in our marriage. Occasional no's are ok, but be watchful for patterns that may indicate deeper issues.
Posted by: richard | July 06, 2009 at 03:10 PM
I agree with this article one hundred percent. This also touches base with the 'affair-free' relationship article. After my boyfriend slept with someone else, I was co-dependant and stayed with him. He talked me into having sex after only a week, and after numerous times that I had said no. If I could go back three years ago, I would have never said yes--I would have left. This killed our relationship.
Posted by: A. Dixon | June 29, 2009 at 12:47 PM
I think this is right on. I was a sex slave in my first marriage, often being ridiculed if I said I didn't want it or wasn't in the mood. I was told it was my obligation as a wife and there were times that even when I said no, I was forced into sex anyway. Thankfully, I am now in a wonderful marriage and I love having sex with my husband and vice versa. I am so glad that my previous experiences didn't affect my current relationship.
Posted by: Natasha | June 26, 2009 at 03:56 PM
Lisa,
Good post.
Another point: you may chose to say yes when you aren't really in the mood as a "gift" to your partner because you know they are. It is a way to say "I love you." But don't do this all the time or you'll resent it; respect yourself and your partner.
I'm tweeting this post!
Kim
Posted by: Kim Leatherdale | June 26, 2009 at 02:31 PM