Straight Talk On Relationships

THE IMPACT OF FRIENDSHIPS ON ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: IS IT TRUE THAT YOU ARE WHO YOU HANG OUT WITH?

The quick answer to this question is yes…or at least you are soon likely to be.  Parents have known for a long time that the power of the almighty peer group is jaw dropping.  What we adults often fail to realize however, is that this is also true for us.

Research has shown that affairs are more likely to occur in work environments that condone them.  There’s something to be said for the power of the phrase “everyone’s doing it.”  Apparently, the knowledge that everyone is doing it makes it more acceptable for you to do it as well.  Even if you have always been vehemently against affairs, the more you’re around those who condone them, partake in them or encourage them, the weaker your views against them will become. 

This is true in a work setting or in a one-on-one friendship.  Women who are thinking about an affair are at greater risk of having one if their friend is having one.  This is also true for men.  I suppose it helps to reduce our guilt if we know our friends are doing the same thing.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t make it any less damaging or wrong. 

Check out my new video about relationships: It's a privilege to be in your inner circle

In my seminar 'Smart Women Creating Smart Relationships', I've been talking to women around the country about how to develop cherishing relationships with friends and loved ones. One of my mantras is that it is a privilege to be in your inner circle, and only those that treat you well get to enter that circle and remain in it. Here's a clip from the speech that I just posted on YouTube that will tell you why this is important. Please pass it along to friends and family. If you know of any organizations, colleges or weekend retreats that would be interested in having me speak, please let me know. Thanks and enjoy the clip. Lisa

AFFAIRS—STOP EXCUSING THEM AND GET BACK IN INTEGRITY

I’m shocked by all the single people who get involved with married men and women.  What are you thinking?  Actually, why are you NOT thinking?  Unless the married person lied about his/her marital status…they are OFF LIMITS.  This is not only for their family’s sake but for your sake as well.  Getting involved with a married person keeps you out of any potentially healthy relationship, keeps you in a one down position and serves as a buffer for any true commitment.  Look at your commitment issues and not married men/women.

If they lied and you later discovered their lie…they are OFF LIMITS.  If the person is willing to have an affair on his/her spouse, he/she is likely to do the same to you.  Stop thinking you are different.  Many married people claim their marriage is miserable yet act to their partner as if it’s fine.  Affairs are destroying families and if you’re having one, you are as well—regardless of what story your affair partner is telling you. 

I’m equally taken aback at the number of married people having an affair.  Stop justifying your actions and step in and deal with your marriage.  Regardless of the situation in your marriage, having an affair is not the answer.  Affairs set up countless issues for everyone involved, particularly for the innocent children rocked by the after damage.

CHANGING ME, CHANGES WE: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS REACTIVE AND/OR INTENSE

I often talk about women setting limits on men, however in this post I want to discuss men setting limits on women.  In particular, I am referring to conflict-avoidant men with high intensity, reactive women.

A common couple combination I see in my office is quiet, conflict-avoidant men, with angry, controlling and reactive women.  The women are often furious at the men for not talking, being passive-aggressive and making agreements that they seldom keep.  Upon closer inspection, it’s clear that the men are, indeed, all those things. 

What’s often missing, however, from this picture is the other side of the equation—the women. 

Many of the women in these types of couples become intense, critical and furious when they don’t like something the man did or didn’t do.  They yell, scream, make threats and become demeaning.  In response, the men cower, turn passive-aggressive and go underground. 

LIGHTEN UP---ON OTHERS AND YOURSELF: HOW JUDGEMENTS IMPACT RELATIONSHIPS

While on vacation this past week, I took some time out to watch the world.  I watched my own family, my friend’s family, workers, vacationers, children and adults.  One thing that struck me was the amount of judging being done by people across the board -- spoken and unspoken.  I was also struck by how much our judging of others, impacts our judgment of ourselves.

I know that when I’m personally not in a good place, I’m more likely to look down on those around me.  The more I look down on those around me, the more easily I criticize myself.  It’s almost as though one feeds the other. 

Not surprisingly, when I’m more forgiving of others’ mistakes, quirks, etc., I can often carry that same acceptance over to myself.  What was striking this vacation, however, was how obviously this dynamic showed up in others.  The children and adults who were less comfortable with themselves and their surroundings were more likely to make negative comments about others.  When the children and adults felt more comfortable, they were more accepting of others’ idiosyncrasies.

VACATIONS AND "UNPLUGGING": BEING PRESENT FOR YOUR FAMILY

Because I am on vacation this week, I've decided to re-post this blog post as a reminder to myself and others who struggle with the necessity of unplugging from technology and plugging into family.  Enjoy...

As I was packing for vacation with my family I turned to my husband and said, "I think I have to take my computer with me...I don't have enough posts for the week!"  My husband gently reminded me that my blog was all about the art of being relational and that unplugging while on vacation with family is a key componant of that.  He then coyly asked, "Don't you think your readers want to know that you're walking the walk yourself?"

So I have seen the light:-).  I will be going on vacation and yes, I will indeed be unplugging.  No e-mails, no work calls, no posting...NADA!  I've committed to being on vacation and fully present with my family both physically and emotionally.  I figure this is one of the most relational gifts I can give them--and me this vacation.

Now I'd like to say this will be easy and I have no concerns, however, that wouldn't be completely honest.  I'm quite aware that whenever I give my attention to one area, I take away from another area.  Taking my attention away from work will impact my re-entry into work when I return.  It's likely that I will have countless e-mails to answer upon my return, numerous phone messages to return, and at least a day or two of catch up.  I'm also aware however, that my children and husband deserve to truly have me present.  I  also deserve to be truly present and enjoy a week of fun, sun (yes sun!!!!), and silly laughter with the greates gift I have been given--an amazing family.

ENABLING IS OFTEN TOXIC TO RELATIONSHIPS

Enabling:  to provide somebody with the resources, authority, or opportunity to do something.
-Encarta Dictionary

Enabling is a term used to describe behaviors that allow other behaviors to continue.  It’s often used in the addiction world to describe the endless ways a non-addict partner enables or assists the addict’s addiction.  Enabling behaviors can include: putting the addict to bed after s/he passes out on the floor, calling in sick for the addict because s/he is too hung-over to go to work or paying the court costs for an alcoholic’s DUI. 

In essence, enabling softens the blow of the natural consequences of behaviors.  Subsequently, the person behaving badly doesn’t feel the sting of his/her mistakes.  Without the sting, the behavior continues undaunted and often escalates.

Enabling occurs everywhere, not just in the world of addictions.  Parents, teachers, politicians, churches, bosses and friends have all been known to enable unhealthy behaviors.  Some examples include: