LIGHTEN UP---ON OTHERS AND YOURSELF: HOW JUDGEMENTS IMPACT RELATIONSHIPS

While on vacation this past week, I took some time out to watch the world.  I watched my own family, my friend’s family, workers, vacationers, children and adults.  One thing that struck me was the amount of judging being done by people across the board -- spoken and unspoken.  I was also struck by how much our judging of others, impacts our judgment of ourselves.

I know that when I’m personally not in a good place, I’m more likely to look down on those around me.  The more I look down on those around me, the more easily I criticize myself.  It’s almost as though one feeds the other. 

Not surprisingly, when I’m more forgiving of others’ mistakes, quirks, etc., I can often carry that same acceptance over to myself.  What was striking this vacation, however, was how obviously this dynamic showed up in others.  The children and adults who were less comfortable with themselves and their surroundings were more likely to make negative comments about others.  When the children and adults felt more comfortable, they were more accepting of others’ idiosyncrasies.

This brings me back, once again, to the core skill of self esteem.  Healthy self esteem is the inherent knowledge that you are equal in worth to every single human being on this planet…and vice versa.  When we are sitting in judgment of ourselves or others, we are off.

As a result of all my hard work on my vacation :-), I have discovered another way to consciously work on self esteem and hence on relationships.  Ready?  Okay, here’s the new brilliant insight:

STOP JUDGING PEOPLE…YOURSELF OR THOSE AROUND YOU.

Although this may sound like a totally obvious piece of advice, it’s something that many of us preach, but don’t put into practice.  Putting it into practice requires that we actively stop ourselves from judging others and instead see their humanity.  This forgiveness of others’ humanity will be very freeing for you (as well as for those around you). 

There are a couple ways I practice this in concrete terms.  The first way is, I catch myself judging others and “fix” the judgment.  For example, I may move from, “Oh my gosh, he’s so stupid” to, “I can totally relate to not knowing everything.”  I put myself in his shoes and feel empathy for his making a non-intellectual comment.  Trust me, I’ve made more than I care to admit and felt totally stupid myself many times.  When I view his lack of knowledge about something as just that—lack of information -- however, it opens the door for me to view my own lack of knowledge in the same light.

The second way I address my judgment to challenge the story I make up about the person.  For example, if I believe someone is a snob, I come up with two other possible explanations for their behavior.  Perhaps s/he just received difficult news or perhaps s/he is shy.  Many times when I’ve assumed someone was a snob, it turned out they were actually very shy.  I can relate to this since if I don’t know someone I get very quiet.  It can seem as if I’m a snob, yet it’s just me being nervous. 

The bottom line is, regardless of what your negative judgment is, work on it.  Being judgmental is not helpful to you or to those around you.  I promise that when you take judgments out of your life, if will be very freeing for you.  It’s an excellent way to practice healthy self esteem and the end result feels great.

CHALLENGE:  Remember: the more forgiving we are of others’ humanity, the more forgiving we will be of our own.  Watch your judgments over the next two weeks. Commit to intervening by either reminding yourself of how you also have done the same thing or by coming up with two alternative, more favorable explanations of the other person’s behaviors.

Comments

[Chris]

Hmm, but should we be withholding judgment in a situation of abusiveness? And how can we differentiate between when we are being oversensitive versus abused?

Great post, thanks as always Lisa :)

HEY CHRIS: Great questions. You need to set a limit when someone is abusive, not judge them. Emotional abuse is: yelling, screaming, name calling, swearing at, shaming a person, ridiculing or lying. Physical abuse is hitting, threatening, pushing, shoving, physically intimidating or actively using your body in anger against another person (pinching, pulling hair, hitting etc.).

If it's not on this list, it may be obnoxious, but it's not abusive. Just because it's not abusive doesn't mean you don't have the right to set a limit on the behavior and/or request the person stop it.

Take care-Lisa

[World Famous *BOB*]

Thank you so much! Your blog is so helpful to me!

[Lisa Spiegel]

Thanks for the post Lisa, all of these skills seem obvious until you try to practice them every day! I will challenge myself today!