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August 14, 2009

RELATIONSHIPS AND THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES—AND OUR FRIENDS: SOMETIMES THE TRUTH IS THAT HE REALLY ISN’T THAT INTO YOU

I just watched the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” and thought so many of the messages were incredibly accurate.  It was funny to hear all the excuses women give each other to explain men’s behavior.  It was also sad to see and hear what we do and say to one another in an effort to save our friends’ feelings.

Women have a need to not hurt another’s feelings.  We also often have a need to be liked.  These two needs can be deadly in dating relationships.  Our need to be liked keeps us clinging to men who have no interest in a serious relationship.  We ignore all the signs that tell us he’s not interested and then our friends encourage us to ignore them as well (we do the same to our friends by the way).

Common lies we tell each other:

  • Maybe he lost your number.
  • I’m sure he’s just busy; he really works hard and doesn’t go out much.
  • He’s probably just shy.  Why don’t you just call him?

What are we doing?  This is NOT helping women.  We need to stop worrying about hurting each other’s feelings and start being determined to help each other.  Sometimes the best gift we can give our friends is the truth.  We can speak the truth with love AND we have to speak it. 

Below are five signs that he’s not that into you...or not good for you.  Know them, memorize them and be determined not to rationalize these behaviors to yourself or your friends.

  1.  He says he’s going to call, but doesn’t call within the first week:  If he doesn’t call, go on with your life.  Do NOT hunt him down by calling or trying to “bump” into him.  This is acting desperate and desperate is unattractive and hurtful to you.
  2. When he’s out with you, he’s frequently scanning the room rather than being interested in your conversation:  I don’t care if he’s scanning for women, his friends or the Pope.  If he’s often looking for something better, he’s not that into you.  After a while, you’ll begin to feel as if  he’s got something better to do than be with you.  This will chip away at your sense of worth and you’ll end up trying to prove how wonderful you are, rather than realizing how wonderful you are.
  3. His conversation is ninety percent about him and he asks very little about you or your interests/life:  If he doesn’t ask about you, he doesn’t care about you.  If he cared, he’d be interested in your life, thoughts, struggles and insights.  Conversations should be two-way.  If they’re not, continue your dating search.
  4. He flirts with other women right in front of you:  We often laugh at this and say, “Oh, that’s just who he is.”  What?!  Okay let’s go with that one for a moment; if that’s who he is then why do you want him?  If he flirts in front of you, then he flirts behind your back AND he’s just not that into you.
  5. He acts as if you’re lucky to be with him.  Run, don’t walk with this one.  This smells of narcissism.  Get out before you actually start believing this message.

The bottom line for women:  If he acts disinterested…he IS disinterested.  Don’t hang around to try to make him interested.  Move on to the person you were meant to be with and stop pining for the one you weren’t.  We need to stop trying to convince men that we’re a good catch.  Instead, we need to know, to the core of our being, that we are.  Every one of us has inherent worth and as such we deserve to be loved, cherished and treated well.  When we know this, the men will know it as well.  If we don’t know that we’re worthy, then the men certainly won’t know it either.

CHALLENGE:  If you’re out in the dating world, be determined to not settle for less than you deserve.  Watch how he treats you and don’t rationalize his disinterest or poor treatment.  If you find yourself acting desperate, you need to do more internal work in order to be ready to date from a healthy place.  If you don’t believe in yourself, you’re not ready to date.

 

 

Comments

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Hi Lisa

I'm beginning to understand the idea of liking your own company first, before you start dating. Mostly because you understand what matters to YOU, who YOU are and more importantly, you are less needy, assured you'll be okay without anyone should that be the outcome. Wanting to be in a relationship that adds to our already enjoyable life is a good way to assess how you feel around someone. If you feel good around them, that's a positive start. When we can get to that place, I believe we will be more discerning when dating and move quickly through the bad ones. Becoming desperate wastes our time, our energy and leaves us depleted especially if we hang around too long to discover that those signs that we ignored should be heeded next time around.

Oh, sorry. I was responding to what Alvin said. I think the behavior is objectionable no matter who's doing it or what their reasoning is. I'll politely end a date after dinner if I think my date isn't that interested in getting to know me. It's a rare thing, of course :-D but it does happen.

MATT: LOL...Thanks for the explanation:-).
Lisa

With all due respect, I think the spirit of my comment was more along the lines of "it's not gender specific behavior" instead of "please keep my attention or I will act like an ass."

DEAR MATT: You lost me on this one? Not sure what you're referring to.
Lisa

I have to agree with Matt the subject cuts both ways. Taking each category: If I say I will call you tomorrow and I don't then I'm not that interested or my plate is full. If I'm out with you there is a line between being nice and flirting. If I'm scanning the room when my eyes should be focused on you, then you haven't caught my eye, give me more to look at. If I'm talking about me 90% of the time, then you have nothing to say or sadly I don't care anything about you. I've never been narcissistic but I've been with women who were and probably still are. I do not last long with these women. Having said all that, I say it's all about you and how you feel about yourself.

Good one! Thanks!

I have had women do every single one of those things to me on dates. A brilliant post for people in general, not just women.

Also:

"If you find yourself acting desperate, you need to do more internal work in order to be ready to date from a healthy place. If you don’t believe in yourself, you’re not ready to date."

This is the most important advice in dating I've ever heard and given and learned. It's so hard to do, but the payoff is well worth it. Look for validation from within, not from without.

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