5 THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN YOU FIRST ENTER THE HOME IF YOU WANT A LOVING RELATIONSHIP

My last post was about the power of greetings and goodbyes.  Over the years I’ve seen a few particularly poor greetings and thought I’d pass them along since part of doing something well often requires that you know what doing something poorly looks likeJ.  Here’s a look at what NOT to say when you first enter your home and greet your loved ones:

 

1.  This place is a mess!  Don’t you ever do anything?  Even if the place is a mess, have some manners and say hello to your family or partner if you haven’t seen them all day.  You can deal with the mess after you’ve been relational.

 

2.  You look terrible, what happened to you?  The last thing your partner needs to hear is how bad they look after a long day.  I’m sure there are days when you don’t look so hot either.  Keep it to yourself and instead offer support.  This is also a poor line to use if you’re angry at your partner for gaining weight.  Seldom have I seen negative criticism and sarcastic comments lead to amazing weight loss.  Usually they lead to a passive-aggressive response of more eating and increased weight gain. 

 

3.  I’ve had a hard day so don’t start up with me!  My response to this one is the same response I tell my children, “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, however, it’s not okay to make your bad day my bad day.”  If you’ve had a hard day and you want some support, great, ask for support.  Otherwise, realize that your bad day does not give you an excuse to be mean and rude.

 

4.  I need to go chill, call me when dinner’s ready.  Unless your partner is being paid to serve you, stop acting so entitled.  Help make dinner, say hello, ask your partner how their day was and stop acting as though you’re a five-year-old who needs to be taken care of.  It’s okay to ask if your partner would mind if you go relax for a little before dinner (on rare occasions only—and after you’ve already checked in and said hello, etc.), but don’t abuse this.  It would be nice if you offered the same to your partner on some occasions as well.

 

5.  Say nothing.  This is probably the most common entry I hear about.  The silence, combined with a single word response or grunt when asked how your day was, is a losing greeting.  When you don’t even acknowledge your family’s presence, your silence speaks volumes (even if you don’t intend it to).  Open your mouth and say hello.  Respond to their greetings as though you care about them.  Look them in the eye, listen to their words and tell them it’s good to be home.  If it’s not good to be home, change you’re interactions and see what type of ripple effect your kindness creates in your family.  If there’s no change—get help.

 

Challenge:  Remove all five of these entries from your repertoire.  Be loving, gregarious and present when you walk into your home.  Look family members in the eye, say hello, share a part of your day and ask about theirs.  Notice what happens as a result of your new entry.

Comments

[bing]

I act that way, thanks a lot I will try my very best to change..

[carolina]

oh my god so true. thank you.

[Nickey]

After about 15 years of at least 4 of these greetings most days, I have to agree with you that they are toxic greetings. I spent about 7 years at home with my kids and always needed some reconnection not just with my husband, but with an ADULT. Didn't get that. If you haven't spent days at home with little ones, feeding, cleaning them, entertaining them, etc. you have no idea how difficult it is. My kids are now about grown and I have been divorced for almost 7 years. I can attest to the damage that bad goodbyes and greetings can do to erode a relationship.